Got letter in mail from last hospital stay.
Discharge Diagnosis
Axis I: Pervasive developmental disorder NOS
Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Axis II: None
Axis III: Poor vision
Poor hearing
Abnormal thyroid functioning
Axis IV: Moderate
Axis V: 42 to 45
PDD-NOS is just a different way of describing his Aspergers I guess. ODD is a new diagnosis, he hasn't been diagnosed with that before. The thyroid is borderline normal, but I will follow up with our family doctor, as I will with the hearing. He will see an eye doctor late in July, it only took six weeks to get that set up... He wants to get contact lenses instead of glasses, which is fine with me.
I have no idea what axis 4 and 5 mean, I guess that's yet another thing to research. I am unfamiliar with this axis system of diagnosing. So much to surf, so little time.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Just One of the Bills
Arrived yesterday: ambulance ride first time he got hospitalized: $740
"As a courtesy we have submitted this claim to your health insurance, but have not gotten any reimbursement yet"
I hope health insurance will eventually cover it, but I wonder whether I'll have to call andyell at talk to some people at the insurance company.
I have been surprised on how hard it is to get mental health services covered. In this case, Zack is allowed to have 26 therapy sessions a year, according to our health insurance rules.
"As a courtesy we have submitted this claim to your health insurance, but have not gotten any reimbursement yet"
I hope health insurance will eventually cover it, but I wonder whether I'll have to call and
I have been surprised on how hard it is to get mental health services covered. In this case, Zack is allowed to have 26 therapy sessions a year, according to our health insurance rules.
Friday, June 29, 2007
OCD with a Side of Psychosis
Today, we had a good visit with Zack, and I saw the doctor afterwards. We talked for quite a long time. She said they were still doing more testing, but the current thought was OCD with some psychosis mixed in. Long road, mixture of therapy and meds.
She really pushed putting him in school, to provide structure, and for the rest of the family, to get a break from him. She also stressed that the school by law is require to give him everything he needs, like an aide or whatever. I guess I will talk to our local school district at least and see what kind of programs they do offer. I still dont' feel very good about that choice, but I will check it out.
She asked a lot of questions, and was very nice. She recommended a book from Lee Fitzgibbons - Families with an OCD child. I will have to find it and get it.
She also talked about enabling behavior and how that often is easier in short run, but damaging to patient in long run. She mentioned family therapy , which I think might be a good idea.
The low white blood count could be side effect of the meds and they are adjusting and monitoring. She didn't sound very concerned about it. The plan is to tentatively have him come home by Tuesday. This Sunday will be the 2 week mark of his current hospital stay.
I will talk to his social worker tomorrow.
She really pushed putting him in school, to provide structure, and for the rest of the family, to get a break from him. She also stressed that the school by law is require to give him everything he needs, like an aide or whatever. I guess I will talk to our local school district at least and see what kind of programs they do offer. I still dont' feel very good about that choice, but I will check it out.
She asked a lot of questions, and was very nice. She recommended a book from Lee Fitzgibbons - Families with an OCD child. I will have to find it and get it.
She also talked about enabling behavior and how that often is easier in short run, but damaging to patient in long run. She mentioned family therapy , which I think might be a good idea.
The low white blood count could be side effect of the meds and they are adjusting and monitoring. She didn't sound very concerned about it. The plan is to tentatively have him come home by Tuesday. This Sunday will be the 2 week mark of his current hospital stay.
I will talk to his social worker tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
New Issues
Last night, I had a good visit with Zack. He told me they had gone wall climbing, which sounded fun. He also told me he had hurt his shoulder when he had thrown himself off his bed to hurt himself, which sounded less fun. He said he might come home this week, although I haven't heard anything from the drs yet.
Today, I got a phone call from a nurse. She said Zack had blood work done and his white blood count was low and they wanted to follow up by checking it again today or tomorrow. They also told me his prolactin level is elevated which can be a side effect of the meds. They are 'fixing' that by giving him extra calcium, in this case Tums.
Contemplating to do obsessive web surfing on all this, but I had to admit I am just soooooooo tired and feel like things are sliding away from me. Sigh.
Today, I got a phone call from a nurse. She said Zack had blood work done and his white blood count was low and they wanted to follow up by checking it again today or tomorrow. They also told me his prolactin level is elevated which can be a side effect of the meds. They are 'fixing' that by giving him extra calcium, in this case Tums.
Contemplating to do obsessive web surfing on all this, but I had to admit I am just soooooooo tired and feel like things are sliding away from me. Sigh.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Good Visits
On Saturday, my hubby had good visit. Sunday, I had a good visit. He is talking more, even if very fidgety. He has discovered that they can play electrical guitar and has really gotten interested in it. He really enjoys it. He wants one for his birthday, so that is good.
He told me that they made him eat closer to the other kids, but he told them he couldn't do it, it would make him angry. I guess we'll have to see how that develops. Sounds like they are trying to help him realize he is ok, even if someone makes sound / spills something close to him.
I went hiking after visit, which was great. But came home to utter chaos, and too much fighting. But that's not really relevant for the Zack issues, just added to my stress.
He told me that they made him eat closer to the other kids, but he told them he couldn't do it, it would make him angry. I guess we'll have to see how that develops. Sounds like they are trying to help him realize he is ok, even if someone makes sound / spills something close to him.
I went hiking after visit, which was great. But came home to utter chaos, and too much fighting. But that's not really relevant for the Zack issues, just added to my stress.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Deep Question
Last night, the 8yo looked at me pensively, and then asked "Mama, when I grow up, and I have kids, will my kids have the same problems that Zack is having now?' I wasn't sure what to answer her, she was thinking 'Hmmm, you are my mother, what would Zack be to my kids?' 'An uncle' You could see the wheels turn in her head.
I guess she is learning the lesson that having kids isn't always the romantic thing we envision, on a deeper level than I had expected her to learn at 8yo.
I guess she is learning the lesson that having kids isn't always the romantic thing we envision, on a deeper level than I had expected her to learn at 8yo.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Phone Call
Last night, around 10pm, Zack called and told us we had to check the space heater and oven. This is checking behavior I have seen at home, but didn't really realize was checking behavior till hind sight a few days ago. At night, he needs to check the space heater in basement, the stove, and needs to make sure all the doors are locked. This was the first time, he called us about the space heater/ stove.
Good Visit
I had been anxious about today's visit. After Tuesday, I was not sure what to expect. I felt very stressed today.
But luckily , the visit was much better than I anticipated. I had brought Vincent with me, and they talked quite a lot and he didn't complain about any abuse this time. The only things he complained about seemed truthful things like 'They make me shower every other day!' They found a way to help him with his fear of germs by letting him shower on different floor though, in a bathroom that is almost never used. Seems to work better for him 'But I still have to put a towel on the floor.'
He also complained they don't let him go in his room during the day. They told him he has to go to school in the morning, and to group in the afternoon, for two days. Then he can earn the priviledge of going in his room during day again. But he has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning (he claims it's the meds) and doesn't get up till 11am, which is too late for school (starts at 9am). It is interesting to see how they do all this. I have no idea what they do in school or group, but they clearly want him to start interacting and doing things. If the meds do make him sleep so late, they can adjust that, at least they can see his reactions in this setting. At home it's harder to see what is caused by the meds.
He told me that they could get passes to do things out of the hospital and asked whether I would take him hiking. I told him that I sure could do that if he could get a pass for Sunday or another weekend.
He was happy with the books we brought, and things just felt much better than last time.
I had written down all the things he said last visit and also talked about the phone call from last night, so that they can add that to his file and maybe have it help in his treatment. I gave it to one of the nurses.
But luckily , the visit was much better than I anticipated. I had brought Vincent with me, and they talked quite a lot and he didn't complain about any abuse this time. The only things he complained about seemed truthful things like 'They make me shower every other day!' They found a way to help him with his fear of germs by letting him shower on different floor though, in a bathroom that is almost never used. Seems to work better for him 'But I still have to put a towel on the floor.'
He also complained they don't let him go in his room during the day. They told him he has to go to school in the morning, and to group in the afternoon, for two days. Then he can earn the priviledge of going in his room during day again. But he has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning (he claims it's the meds) and doesn't get up till 11am, which is too late for school (starts at 9am). It is interesting to see how they do all this. I have no idea what they do in school or group, but they clearly want him to start interacting and doing things. If the meds do make him sleep so late, they can adjust that, at least they can see his reactions in this setting. At home it's harder to see what is caused by the meds.
He told me that they could get passes to do things out of the hospital and asked whether I would take him hiking. I told him that I sure could do that if he could get a pass for Sunday or another weekend.
He was happy with the books we brought, and things just felt much better than last time.
I had written down all the things he said last visit and also talked about the phone call from last night, so that they can add that to his file and maybe have it help in his treatment. I gave it to one of the nurses.
Stress Level
Last week, before all this happened, I remember posting that I felt that I constantly were living with a low level of stress, never knowing when Zack would erupt. Today, I was talking to a friend and she vehemently disagreed. She claimed that this wasn't low stress at all, that this was a constant level of high stress for me and the rest of the family.
Hmmm.
Yet again, I am questioning the 'normal' we had slipped into over time, the status quo of always worrying about eruptions, about always walking on egg shells. And yes, maybe she is right , and it wasn't low level stress, but high level and that might explain why I felt that I had a hard time coping.
Even with him away, I still feel totally overwhelmed and do not get the things done I should be getting done.
Today, we'll visit him again. I will write down the things that happened last visit, and give it to the nurses for his file. I will also tell that he called up last night, to have us check the space heater and stove, which is part of his checking behavior when he is at home. I realized, I hadn't mentioned that to the doctors yet. Not that OCD isn't totally clear from other things anyway. But the calling us late at night to check was a new thing. It was around 10pm, a little later.
Hmmm.
Yet again, I am questioning the 'normal' we had slipped into over time, the status quo of always worrying about eruptions, about always walking on egg shells. And yes, maybe she is right , and it wasn't low level stress, but high level and that might explain why I felt that I had a hard time coping.
Even with him away, I still feel totally overwhelmed and do not get the things done I should be getting done.
Today, we'll visit him again. I will write down the things that happened last visit, and give it to the nurses for his file. I will also tell that he called up last night, to have us check the space heater and stove, which is part of his checking behavior when he is at home. I realized, I hadn't mentioned that to the doctors yet. Not that OCD isn't totally clear from other things anyway. But the calling us late at night to check was a new thing. It was around 10pm, a little later.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Phone Call
Thanks for all the feedback on my previous post, I appreciate it. It helps me to think through things when I hear the opinion of others, both pro and against.
Today, he called, and he was very negative. When i asked what I could bring tomorrow 'A ride home!' When I said that that wouldn't work yet, I got a 'I HATE YOU' yelled at me. I got a quick 'I love you' in before the phone was thrown down.
Today, we had to put down one of our pets, which was hard on all. Zack doesn't know about it yet, not sure when I should tell.
I wish there were easy answers.
Today, he called, and he was very negative. When i asked what I could bring tomorrow 'A ride home!' When I said that that wouldn't work yet, I got a 'I HATE YOU' yelled at me. I got a quick 'I love you' in before the phone was thrown down.
Today, we had to put down one of our pets, which was hard on all. Zack doesn't know about it yet, not sure when I should tell.
I wish there were easy answers.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Not so Good Visit
Today's visit was less than wonderful. Zack was screaming and telling me that he wanted to go home, over and over. 'You have to take me home, this is not a good place. The nurses abuse me. They hit me, they kick me, they scratch me, they bite me, they pull my hair. They try to kill me. The other patients try to kill me. I cannot ask for help from the nurses, because they are racist. They won't help me. You have to tell people about this, you have to rescue me!'
I told him I could tell the doctors about this, but then he decided 'The doctors are abusing me too, you need outside people. You need to tell the governor. The media! This place needs to be shut down. Being in an abusive place is not good for me. They strap me to the bed for a whole day. If the media find out about this, they will shut down the place.'
After listening to this for about 25 minutes, I asked him whether he could show me a bite mark? 'It has faded already.' I guess at least they didn't bite too hard then...
Eventually he did calm down enough to look at the books we brought. He desperately wants to go home. I think I should write down all the things he was saying and send them to the center tomorrow, to give them that information to help in his care. I don't know.
Earlier in the day, I saw his social worker and his doctor. It was a good talk, they told me they used my summary in their team meeting in the morning, the doctor read from it. So I guess that was useful. The things that I didn't like is that they implied that he must get the violent ideas from books and video games. Which might be true on a certain level, on another level, many people play video games and dungeon and dragons and do NOT go around threatening to kill people. I guess in a certain way I felt judged by their criticism, even if they weren't really judging. Mommy guilt again.
They felt strongly that he would benefit from going to school. The structure in school would help him, and it would give the family a break during the day. I am not sure what to think of this. I will have to ponder. I know Zack absolutely does not want to go to school, and I am strongly attached to the idea of homeschooling. I really don't know. So many hard decisions. I do not need to make it now, but it's yet another thing in the mix of things to decide on.
When I told Vincent, he said 'You shouldn't do that, that will never work for Zack. He has been home so many years, can you see him deal with school and homework every day? That will not work at all.'
Medication wise, he is going to go back on risperidone, and they will add prozac. The prozac is supposed to help with the OCD.
Many things to ponder today, this is so incredibly hard.
I told him I could tell the doctors about this, but then he decided 'The doctors are abusing me too, you need outside people. You need to tell the governor. The media! This place needs to be shut down. Being in an abusive place is not good for me. They strap me to the bed for a whole day. If the media find out about this, they will shut down the place.'
After listening to this for about 25 minutes, I asked him whether he could show me a bite mark? 'It has faded already.' I guess at least they didn't bite too hard then...
Eventually he did calm down enough to look at the books we brought. He desperately wants to go home. I think I should write down all the things he was saying and send them to the center tomorrow, to give them that information to help in his care. I don't know.
Earlier in the day, I saw his social worker and his doctor. It was a good talk, they told me they used my summary in their team meeting in the morning, the doctor read from it. So I guess that was useful. The things that I didn't like is that they implied that he must get the violent ideas from books and video games. Which might be true on a certain level, on another level, many people play video games and dungeon and dragons and do NOT go around threatening to kill people. I guess in a certain way I felt judged by their criticism, even if they weren't really judging. Mommy guilt again.
They felt strongly that he would benefit from going to school. The structure in school would help him, and it would give the family a break during the day. I am not sure what to think of this. I will have to ponder. I know Zack absolutely does not want to go to school, and I am strongly attached to the idea of homeschooling. I really don't know. So many hard decisions. I do not need to make it now, but it's yet another thing in the mix of things to decide on.
When I told Vincent, he said 'You shouldn't do that, that will never work for Zack. He has been home so many years, can you see him deal with school and homework every day? That will not work at all.'
Medication wise, he is going to go back on risperidone, and they will add prozac. The prozac is supposed to help with the OCD.
Many things to ponder today, this is so incredibly hard.
Going to Visit Today
I spoke to his social worker in the morning, and we will see her, his doctor, and Zack later today. She wanted to catch up on what is going on, she hadn't seen the summary I sent yet, so I made her aware of it, so she could locate it. Just in case, I will bring another copy today. Gotta love how organized they are.
I found out that this time the doctor was the petitioner for getting him committed, so I don't have to go into court. That is one relief.
I found out that this time the doctor was the petitioner for getting him committed, so I don't have to go into court. That is one relief.
Monday, June 18, 2007
One More Thing
My oldest told me that Zack sometimes tells the 6yo and the 8yo 'Do you know that I could kick your spine and break it in one kick?' 'You know that I could just break your neck?' This happens when he is in bad mood. I haven't heard it myself, but Wenceclaus told me today. This is not in reaction to anything they are doing, this is just when he is in a bad mood and they happen to be around.
:(
He told me it happened once or twice before he went to the hospital for the first time. After he came home, it happened more frequently, maybe every 2 or 3 days, he is not sure. But regularly.
:(
He told me it happened once or twice before he went to the hospital for the first time. After he came home, it happened more frequently, maybe every 2 or 3 days, he is not sure. But regularly.
Spoke to Doctor
He was surprised to see Zack back again and asked what happened. Based on the stories, he is going to add Prozac to Zack's meds and increase the Seroquel. He seemed annoyed that our psych had switched meds. I couldn't really explain satisfactorily to him why the switch.
The prozac is supposed to help with the OCD issues.
I made a summary for doctor of all the things that had happened after he was in the hospital. I hope that helps them to figure out best way to help Zack. The doctor was talking about homebased services, that woudl be awesome. Have someone come into our home to help with the Zack issues. I mean, to help everything run smoothly, teach new strategies.
The prozac is supposed to help with the OCD issues.
I made a summary for doctor of all the things that had happened after he was in the hospital. I hope that helps them to figure out best way to help Zack. The doctor was talking about homebased services, that woudl be awesome. Have someone come into our home to help with the Zack issues. I mean, to help everything run smoothly, teach new strategies.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Back to the Hospital
Today was not good. Zack had the whole 'I cannot eat' thing going on, because people were poisoning his food. He got upset enough about this to tear up the color comics 'so that no one can read them anymore' Which wasn't a nice thing to do, but didn't worry me yet.
Later he came out to the yard, where I was gardening with two friends, and he picked up a shovel (a nice , heavy, black metal, digging one) and was swinging it over his head, threatening to kill my friends. It was scary. I called the emergency line, who told me to give him extra seroquel. By that time he was still too much out of control, he didn't want to take meds, and he was yelling at two of his siblings that he was going to kill them. I decided enough was enough and took him to ER.
He did not want to go, so I offered him choice of going with me or me calling the police on him. This made me feel horrible to even contemplate or suggest, but I was ready to do it if needed. He first refused to close the door of the car, kept opening it. Threatening with the police again made him finally close it.
He refused to get buckled. At this point I just wanted to get him to the hospital, so I ignored it and drove. When we were getting on the highway, he told me he would open the door and jump out so he would get killed. By now I was sorry I hadn't called an ambulance, but it seemed overkill earlier. I wasn't ready to stop the car and wait for a while for an ambulance either. I turned on my blinkers and drove 25 mph on the highway. He said I was going too slow for him to jump out. This suited me just fine.
In the hospital, it was yet again wait, wait, wait, and talk occasionally. We got a room pretty fast, and saw the psychiatrist on call. We decided that this was not working at home at the moment and talked to Zack about going to the hospital again. Zack totally refused. So yet again, I will be petioning the court to have my son involuntarily committed. Sigh.
Zack tried to choke himself with tape that was left in our room, he was taping it around his neck till i prevented it and took it away from him. A few minutes later, he ran out of the room screaming 'Where is the exit, where is the exit, I have to leave!!!' He was very out of it. The psychiatrist prescribed him on tablet of 1 mg of Ativan to help him calm down.
Finally the ambulance showed up and transported him to the same hospital he was before, about an hour away from our home. Zack was afraid he would get killed there and he told me he was going to kill himself when he was there.
And this all on father's day, sigh.
Later he came out to the yard, where I was gardening with two friends, and he picked up a shovel (a nice , heavy, black metal, digging one) and was swinging it over his head, threatening to kill my friends. It was scary. I called the emergency line, who told me to give him extra seroquel. By that time he was still too much out of control, he didn't want to take meds, and he was yelling at two of his siblings that he was going to kill them. I decided enough was enough and took him to ER.
He did not want to go, so I offered him choice of going with me or me calling the police on him. This made me feel horrible to even contemplate or suggest, but I was ready to do it if needed. He first refused to close the door of the car, kept opening it. Threatening with the police again made him finally close it.
He refused to get buckled. At this point I just wanted to get him to the hospital, so I ignored it and drove. When we were getting on the highway, he told me he would open the door and jump out so he would get killed. By now I was sorry I hadn't called an ambulance, but it seemed overkill earlier. I wasn't ready to stop the car and wait for a while for an ambulance either. I turned on my blinkers and drove 25 mph on the highway. He said I was going too slow for him to jump out. This suited me just fine.
In the hospital, it was yet again wait, wait, wait, and talk occasionally. We got a room pretty fast, and saw the psychiatrist on call. We decided that this was not working at home at the moment and talked to Zack about going to the hospital again. Zack totally refused. So yet again, I will be petioning the court to have my son involuntarily committed. Sigh.
Zack tried to choke himself with tape that was left in our room, he was taping it around his neck till i prevented it and took it away from him. A few minutes later, he ran out of the room screaming 'Where is the exit, where is the exit, I have to leave!!!' He was very out of it. The psychiatrist prescribed him on tablet of 1 mg of Ativan to help him calm down.
Finally the ambulance showed up and transported him to the same hospital he was before, about an hour away from our home. Zack was afraid he would get killed there and he told me he was going to kill himself when he was there.
And this all on father's day, sigh.
ok day
he got up after 1pm, and had a reasonable day. He still isn't asleep at 1:30am though , so not sure how much this will help sleeping wise.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Still Awake
It is 3:30 am and Zack is still awake. So much for the meds calming him down enough at night to help him sleep. I wonder whether he will sleep at all during this night.
I have realized why I feel so stressed. The problem is that it feels like I am living on an active vulcano. One which has no good predictors. Some days, things go really well, but other days, they really suck. And when things go well, I am kind of fearing eruptions all the time. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Keeping me in a constant state of low level anxiety. I was going to do one of Zack's meditation cd's myself, but somehow haven't yet. The girls did the alpha waves one, and enjoyed it.
When I told my friend about Zack being scared of the alpha waves cd, he said that was very interesting. Alpha waves is the state your brain is in when you are very calm and relaxed. We wondered whether maybe it's a state he doesn't know how to enter easily, and that's why the cd scared him? No idea, but pondering.
We got letter from hospital today, saying that not only his eyes need checked (which he told us, but wasn't surprising, given family history) , but there also are hearing issues and his thyroid is enlarged with slightly abnormal thyroid serum numbers. More things to look into. It surprises me that they didnt' tell me sooner, he has been out for more than two weeks now. Maybe they don't want to mix up emergency and longer term issues? But still , it surprises me.
I have realized why I feel so stressed. The problem is that it feels like I am living on an active vulcano. One which has no good predictors. Some days, things go really well, but other days, they really suck. And when things go well, I am kind of fearing eruptions all the time. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Keeping me in a constant state of low level anxiety. I was going to do one of Zack's meditation cd's myself, but somehow haven't yet. The girls did the alpha waves one, and enjoyed it.
When I told my friend about Zack being scared of the alpha waves cd, he said that was very interesting. Alpha waves is the state your brain is in when you are very calm and relaxed. We wondered whether maybe it's a state he doesn't know how to enter easily, and that's why the cd scared him? No idea, but pondering.
We got letter from hospital today, saying that not only his eyes need checked (which he told us, but wasn't surprising, given family history) , but there also are hearing issues and his thyroid is enlarged with slightly abnormal thyroid serum numbers. More things to look into. It surprises me that they didnt' tell me sooner, he has been out for more than two weeks now. Maybe they don't want to mix up emergency and longer term issues? But still , it surprises me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Stress stress stress
Zack slept till 11:30am this morning. Then we had the customary 'I cannot eat, I cannot find anything I like, the pan isn't clean enough, the sink has things that keep falling down, this utensil isn't clean' It is tiresome. It seems impossible to please him.
I talked to the dr, and she said to keep doing the two times 50 mg at night, and take half a tablet during the day when he has outburst. Of course, I don't have a pill cutter at the moment, AND it is extremely hard to convince him to take meds when he is like that. I feel overwhelmed today, it is like NOTHING is going right and I just don't know what are the right things to do.
Blech.
I talked to the dr, and she said to keep doing the two times 50 mg at night, and take half a tablet during the day when he has outburst. Of course, I don't have a pill cutter at the moment, AND it is extremely hard to convince him to take meds when he is like that. I feel overwhelmed today, it is like NOTHING is going right and I just don't know what are the right things to do.
Blech.
I Can Not Sleep
Around 2am, Zack came to tell me that he couldn't sleep. He didn't want to listen to the meditation cd, he didn't have any ideas about how he could fall asleep. He looked very tired though. Eventually he must have fallen asleep, since he was asleep at 3am.
He slept during the day from about noon to 5pm, took meds around 8:30pm and 11:30pm, and now finally is asleep again. Curious to see what time he wakes up tomorrow.
He slept during the day from about noon to 5pm, took meds around 8:30pm and 11:30pm, and now finally is asleep again. Curious to see what time he wakes up tomorrow.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Sigh
The print I got from pharmacy to go with the meds:
the cautions include in first paragraph (caps are theirs)
"THIS MEDICINE MAY INCREASE THE RISK OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS IN CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS. ADULTS MAY ALSO BE AFFECTED. The risk maybe be greater in patients with a history of suicidal thoughts or actions, bipolar illness, or in patients with a family member with bipolar disorder"
"THIS MEDICINE MAY INCREASE THE RISK OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS IN CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS. ADULTS MAY ALSO BE AFFECTED. The risk maybe be greater in patients with a history of suicidal thoughts or actions, bipolar illness, or in patients with a family member with bipolar disorder"
looks like diabetes is long term concern again, might be the weight gain thing like on the risperidol
I guess that's another reason close monitoring is needed. I wish there were easy answers.
I guess that's another reason close monitoring is needed. I wish there were easy answers.
Psychiatrist
Today we saw psychiatrist. It was not easy to wake him up in the morning.
Last night, I went to bed at 1:30am , and he still was wide awake. He had tried listening to the meditation cd, but it was 'too scary'. I haven't listened to it yet, but the description sure didn't sound very scary. He must have fallen asleep anytime after that, no idea when.
I kept trying to wake him up (every 5 or 10 mins), he kept rolling over and trying to sleep more. Just before we had to leave, he finally got up, whined about food and meds, but did take his meds. No food though. He didn't want to go to the dr, because 'She will kill me' He was spitting on floor everywhere. He was saying 'Fuck you mama' and hitting wall. Screaming. It was 9:45am now. I started trying to wake him up at 8:30am.
When I got him in the car, he kept kicking the dashboard. On the way to the dr, he said 'I am going to jump out and get killed!' He started making the movements, but I slowed down. 'NO!!! I am not going to kill myself, you slowed down!'.
In waiting room, the music was driving him crazy 'Make the music stop, make the music stop!'
In drs office, he was mostly not engaging, just saying things like 'I don't want to try new meds'. The dr really would like him to be able to sleep, and the risperidone doesn't seem to be doing much / enough. After listening to all recent developments, she decided to switch him to different medication. We will keep in close contact to monitor how he does on this. She also mentioned that she wasn't sure whether that would be best at home or in residential setting. This got immediate reaction from Zack 'I don't want to go back to the hospital!!'
She said we would try it at home at first and see how things went. For now, she wants me to give him Seroquel 50mg , one at 8pm, one at 10:30pm. and see whether that makes him sleep. Tomorrow morning at 9am, I will call her and update her, she will tell me what to do for that day.
Now everything is messed up already, because when we came home , he went off to bed. That must have been a bit before noon. I didn't want to tell him not to sleep either, he was very very tired. We'll figure out what to do when it is later.
After the visit with dr , he was very calm again, we stopped somewhere to eat some ice cream. When we came home, he still was calm.
I guess now I need to read a lot on Seroquel, haven't read anything yet.
Last night, I went to bed at 1:30am , and he still was wide awake. He had tried listening to the meditation cd, but it was 'too scary'. I haven't listened to it yet, but the description sure didn't sound very scary. He must have fallen asleep anytime after that, no idea when.
I kept trying to wake him up (every 5 or 10 mins), he kept rolling over and trying to sleep more. Just before we had to leave, he finally got up, whined about food and meds, but did take his meds. No food though. He didn't want to go to the dr, because 'She will kill me' He was spitting on floor everywhere. He was saying 'Fuck you mama' and hitting wall. Screaming. It was 9:45am now. I started trying to wake him up at 8:30am.
When I got him in the car, he kept kicking the dashboard. On the way to the dr, he said 'I am going to jump out and get killed!' He started making the movements, but I slowed down. 'NO!!! I am not going to kill myself, you slowed down!'.
In waiting room, the music was driving him crazy 'Make the music stop, make the music stop!'
In drs office, he was mostly not engaging, just saying things like 'I don't want to try new meds'. The dr really would like him to be able to sleep, and the risperidone doesn't seem to be doing much / enough. After listening to all recent developments, she decided to switch him to different medication. We will keep in close contact to monitor how he does on this. She also mentioned that she wasn't sure whether that would be best at home or in residential setting. This got immediate reaction from Zack 'I don't want to go back to the hospital!!'
She said we would try it at home at first and see how things went. For now, she wants me to give him Seroquel 50mg , one at 8pm, one at 10:30pm. and see whether that makes him sleep. Tomorrow morning at 9am, I will call her and update her, she will tell me what to do for that day.
Now everything is messed up already, because when we came home , he went off to bed. That must have been a bit before noon. I didn't want to tell him not to sleep either, he was very very tired. We'll figure out what to do when it is later.
After the visit with dr , he was very calm again, we stopped somewhere to eat some ice cream. When we came home, he still was calm.
I guess now I need to read a lot on Seroquel, haven't read anything yet.
Not Good Day
This morning was pretty bad. He got up and we had visitors, friends whom he has known for a very long time. They were not interfering with him, not in the kitchen where he wanted to eat, doing their own stuff. But he went totally ballistic.
'They are here, I cannot eat! They poisoned the food. It will only get unpoisoned when they leave. I cannot take my medicine! They poisoned that too!' Kicking over chairs, many times. Yelling at his little sister 'I HATE YOU!!!' Telling Y he was going to kill him in his sleep. Telling me he was going to kill the visitors. Ripping papers off the walls. Spitting on the floor. Trying to choke himself. Not good.
I offered to let him go eat somewhere else, but he couldn't get out of the house, because the neighborhood dogs would kill him. Yeah, it's amazing how many wild packs of dogs we have roaming our neighborhood, hungry for juicy kids...
Eventually he made grilled cheese sandwiches for himself. The first one fell on the floor when he took it out of the pan, so that was drama too. He did not eat it, naturally.
He did calm down, but boy is this hard to deal with. I talked to counselor on phone, because I felt things were not working well at all. She told me this was not enough to get him committed, even although that wasn't what I was thinking about anyway. I should use my gut feelings to know when I thought there was danger to him or others, and then try to get him into their office, or ER, if needed with help of the police.
Oh joy.
She also told me he should still be able to earn his time after he calmed down. I was soooooooo ready to ground him from computers for the rest of his life, even although I knew that wasn't going to help much anyway.
I got a meditation cd for him, I hope it will help him to fall asleep more easily. We have psychiatrist tomorrow morning, I am soooooooooooo not looking forward to getting him out of bed and into her office in time. I would not be surprised if anti anxiety meds will be added, his anxiety just is sky high.
He didn't want me to go to sports at night, but I told him that was not his decision to make. And I went anyway and helped myself deal with things better. I visited a friend which was very nice visit. Thank insert your favorite deity for supportive friends.
'They are here, I cannot eat! They poisoned the food. It will only get unpoisoned when they leave. I cannot take my medicine! They poisoned that too!' Kicking over chairs, many times. Yelling at his little sister 'I HATE YOU!!!' Telling Y he was going to kill him in his sleep. Telling me he was going to kill the visitors. Ripping papers off the walls. Spitting on the floor. Trying to choke himself. Not good.
I offered to let him go eat somewhere else, but he couldn't get out of the house, because the neighborhood dogs would kill him. Yeah, it's amazing how many wild packs of dogs we have roaming our neighborhood, hungry for juicy kids...
Eventually he made grilled cheese sandwiches for himself. The first one fell on the floor when he took it out of the pan, so that was drama too. He did not eat it, naturally.
He did calm down, but boy is this hard to deal with. I talked to counselor on phone, because I felt things were not working well at all. She told me this was not enough to get him committed, even although that wasn't what I was thinking about anyway. I should use my gut feelings to know when I thought there was danger to him or others, and then try to get him into their office, or ER, if needed with help of the police.
Oh joy.
She also told me he should still be able to earn his time after he calmed down. I was soooooooo ready to ground him from computers for the rest of his life, even although I knew that wasn't going to help much anyway.
I got a meditation cd for him, I hope it will help him to fall asleep more easily. We have psychiatrist tomorrow morning, I am soooooooooooo not looking forward to getting him out of bed and into her office in time. I would not be surprised if anti anxiety meds will be added, his anxiety just is sky high.
He didn't want me to go to sports at night, but I told him that was not his decision to make. And I went anyway and helped myself deal with things better. I visited a friend which was very nice visit. Thank insert your favorite deity for supportive friends.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
OK
We saw the counselor and as expected, she said what really hit her in the face about today and last Friday was OCD. I agreed with her. She told me that this is a long process to work on, and the psychiatrist might want to tweak some meds to help take the edge off for him. Yes, meds again, blech.
We will see psychiatrist on Thur, and Zack will start counseling for long term on Friday next week (the 22nd) .
We also talked about behavorial consequences for the things like yelling at his sister. He asked what he really cared about and the only thing that really works at the moment is computer. I always have been hesitant to take away computer for a long time though, since in a way it also seems to help him ground. So we are going to do it the other way. Every hour of good behavior earns him 15 mins of computer time. He can either use it right away, or save it to use later.
This is one of the things that I always have been hesitant to start. Since I feel that good behavior is to be expected, and shouldn't be rewarded with extra stuff, at least not like this. Not to mention the sinky marshes of the other kids 'but we behaved well too and WE do not get computer time'
But in this case, it might be the best, or at least worth a try. It might just be the thing to help him focus on better behavior. Or it might not be, and in that case, we'll come up with something else. I'd much rather play around with this, than with medication obviously.
And I sooooooo do not want to get into the 'ok, you lose 1 hour computer time here, and 4 hours there, and you wont' play computer for the next 22 years of your life'. I like the idea of restarting timer, so that he has better chance of succeeding, even when something goes wrong. The thing about losing a day of computer time, it is hard to find motivation to behave the rest of that day if he lost time already. And that's when the 'ok, will be 2 days, 4 day, 78 days' slope comes in.
Sounds workable.
About going to ER, she says to use my gut. If I am really worried about him hurting himself or others, take him in. If I think it's just talk, don't. There aren't good and clear guidelines. Apart from when he would make a plan, with a means and location to suicide, that is very clear to take him in. But apart from that, grey grey grey.
We will see psychiatrist on Thur, and Zack will start counseling for long term on Friday next week (the 22nd) .
We also talked about behavorial consequences for the things like yelling at his sister. He asked what he really cared about and the only thing that really works at the moment is computer. I always have been hesitant to take away computer for a long time though, since in a way it also seems to help him ground. So we are going to do it the other way. Every hour of good behavior earns him 15 mins of computer time. He can either use it right away, or save it to use later.
This is one of the things that I always have been hesitant to start. Since I feel that good behavior is to be expected, and shouldn't be rewarded with extra stuff, at least not like this. Not to mention the sinky marshes of the other kids 'but we behaved well too and WE do not get computer time'
But in this case, it might be the best, or at least worth a try. It might just be the thing to help him focus on better behavior. Or it might not be, and in that case, we'll come up with something else. I'd much rather play around with this, than with medication obviously.
And I sooooooo do not want to get into the 'ok, you lose 1 hour computer time here, and 4 hours there, and you wont' play computer for the next 22 years of your life'. I like the idea of restarting timer, so that he has better chance of succeeding, even when something goes wrong. The thing about losing a day of computer time, it is hard to find motivation to behave the rest of that day if he lost time already. And that's when the 'ok, will be 2 days, 4 day, 78 days' slope comes in.
Sounds workable.
About going to ER, she says to use my gut. If I am really worried about him hurting himself or others, take him in. If I think it's just talk, don't. There aren't good and clear guidelines. Apart from when he would make a plan, with a means and location to suicide, that is very clear to take him in. But apart from that, grey grey grey.
We Need Good Thoughts
Going to go to emergency counseling in about 15 mins.
Zack got up around 10:30am and things were wrong from the start. He didn't want to take his meds. He saw a friend clean a knife in the sink and clean it with towel, so he screamed about that. I replaced towel with clean towel. But he still couldn't take meds because the sink was dirty now. Inside, where the water comes out of. He cannot clean it. He threw a bunch of towels on floor before he found acceptable one. He needs to wash hands before taking medicine and cant' do that now. AFter a while, turns on tap ,lets it run for a few minutes and starts screaming. 'It is dirty! It will give me cancer!'
He kicked over some chairs. He yelled at three years old sister that he HATES her. He will kill my friend when she comes back later today.
Around noon he took his meds with much dramatics. Hadn't eaten yet. 'I have cancer!!! The medicines are giving me cancer! I can feel it in my chest!'
First 'There is no food I like in the house' Then 'Your friend is in the house, so I cannot eat' (She was in basement with 11yo sister, helping her sew) Having her in the house made it impossible for him to eat. Zack: 'I am going to kill her' Later (12:18pm) He is sitting on the floor crying ' I cannot eat' 'I will kill x so I can eat'
12:20pm Drank some water by accident. Started SCREAMING 'I accidentally drank some of the water!!!' (he had taken his meds with soda, paper cup. No glasses in the house clean enoug)
12:30pm First food: ate piece of birthday cake. First let me cut a piece of cake. Decided it wasn't good, he needed piece from the other side.
i gave that one to Vincent, and cut him other piece. Still not good. But he eventually took it with much whining
He has been spitting on floor a number of times today too, which is a way to show that he is upset
Therapy was set up, his reaction. 'You can get me there, but I am NOT going to talk'
I am NOT going there
Yells at sister that he hates her. Conservation from other kids: :"X: I told Y not to eat because Zack is making food"
This is impacting the family very much. We need good thoughts.
Zack got up around 10:30am and things were wrong from the start. He didn't want to take his meds. He saw a friend clean a knife in the sink and clean it with towel, so he screamed about that. I replaced towel with clean towel. But he still couldn't take meds because the sink was dirty now. Inside, where the water comes out of. He cannot clean it. He threw a bunch of towels on floor before he found acceptable one. He needs to wash hands before taking medicine and cant' do that now. AFter a while, turns on tap ,lets it run for a few minutes and starts screaming. 'It is dirty! It will give me cancer!'
He kicked over some chairs. He yelled at three years old sister that he HATES her. He will kill my friend when she comes back later today.
Around noon he took his meds with much dramatics. Hadn't eaten yet. 'I have cancer!!! The medicines are giving me cancer! I can feel it in my chest!'
First 'There is no food I like in the house' Then 'Your friend is in the house, so I cannot eat' (She was in basement with 11yo sister, helping her sew) Having her in the house made it impossible for him to eat. Zack: 'I am going to kill her' Later (12:18pm) He is sitting on the floor crying ' I cannot eat' 'I will kill x so I can eat'
12:20pm Drank some water by accident. Started SCREAMING 'I accidentally drank some of the water!!!' (he had taken his meds with soda, paper cup. No glasses in the house clean enoug)
12:30pm First food: ate piece of birthday cake. First let me cut a piece of cake. Decided it wasn't good, he needed piece from the other side.
i gave that one to Vincent, and cut him other piece. Still not good. But he eventually took it with much whining
He has been spitting on floor a number of times today too, which is a way to show that he is upset
Therapy was set up, his reaction. 'You can get me there, but I am NOT going to talk'
I am NOT going there
Yells at sister that he hates her. Conservation from other kids: :"X: I told Y not to eat because Zack is making food"
This is impacting the family very much. We need good thoughts.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Mostly OK Weekend
Some issues, but livable. Hopefully will be able to get him into therapy this week by squeaking a lot, I am not looking forward to the 5,000 phone calls to make that happen in addition to other ongoing things. It would be simpler if the rest of my life would stop so that I could focus on just this.
Friday, June 8, 2007
I Want To Die
Daytime was good, evening was horrible.
Of course, that rubbed in that I hadn't been able to make phone calls because of needing to help out a friend all day. Nothing like realizing how much you suck at this parenting thing.
During the evening, things fell apart. Trigger this time was Ysa giving some new food and water to our pet mouse. He suddenly focused on the fact that he was terrified of the mouse and all the germs that the mouse was carrying. Ysa had to wash her hands immediately after, because Zack was freaking out. He was sure he would die a horrible death by the germs the mouse was carrying and he also knew that his whole happiness was dependant on that mouse. If only we got rid of that mouse, he would be happy. We had to get rid of the mouse RIGHT now. He was not going to take his medicine unless we got rid of the mouse. Heck, he was not going to take his meds anyway.
Suddenly, it was all about the mouse. He told us he was afraid of the mouse. He was not going to be in the living room anymore , because the mouse was too close to it.
Eventually, he did take his meds, after throwing them on the floor first and then saying he couldn't eat it because it now had germs on it. He did eventually take that pill, but it took me at least half an hour to talk him into it, with all the dramatics.
I soooooooooooo feel that we cannot wait till July for counseling, he needs it now. I am so frustrated with the system.
After all this we got mathematics drama, and 'I want to die'. He did not want me to call the emergency phone number, and I didn't feel like he was in immediate need of killing himself, so I didn't, but boy this is hard. I have no idea what the right way of dealing with this is. I don't even know whether there IS a right way of dealing with it.
Later, we got the 'I can't walk around the neighborhood because dogs will kill me' angst. By now, I had kind of had it with the dramatics and told him 'Well, that would solve your problems, wouldn't it?' Yes, I know that was kind of snarky, but I am not perfect either. Then he decided that he did not want to get killed by dogs, he was just going to kill all the dogs instead. If only we could give him a gun, he would walk around the neighborhood. Not in your dreams, kid!
I have a headache and I want to cry cry cry. I was supposed to go out by myself tonight to do sports, but that didn't happen either. I just made myself some tea, and I have asked Zack whether I could trust him to keep himself safe. He said I could, but how would I know. Actually I feel that he will be ok, just miserable. If I felt he was in immediate danger of suiciding, I would drive him to the ER now.
But this is just not a good way to live for him or for us. We need help and it seems impossible to get it. July is so far away. Blech.
Oh, I found out today that he stopped eating bagels, which I had bought with the idea that that is one of the few foods he will eat. Maybe he was just hungry at night, but no foods looked good. He said he tried one bite of bagel, but he didn't like it anymore. Eating seems to be becoming a battle yet again. This sooooooooooooooo sucks.
Of course, that rubbed in that I hadn't been able to make phone calls because of needing to help out a friend all day. Nothing like realizing how much you suck at this parenting thing.
During the evening, things fell apart. Trigger this time was Ysa giving some new food and water to our pet mouse. He suddenly focused on the fact that he was terrified of the mouse and all the germs that the mouse was carrying. Ysa had to wash her hands immediately after, because Zack was freaking out. He was sure he would die a horrible death by the germs the mouse was carrying and he also knew that his whole happiness was dependant on that mouse. If only we got rid of that mouse, he would be happy. We had to get rid of the mouse RIGHT now. He was not going to take his medicine unless we got rid of the mouse. Heck, he was not going to take his meds anyway.
Suddenly, it was all about the mouse. He told us he was afraid of the mouse. He was not going to be in the living room anymore , because the mouse was too close to it.
Eventually, he did take his meds, after throwing them on the floor first and then saying he couldn't eat it because it now had germs on it. He did eventually take that pill, but it took me at least half an hour to talk him into it, with all the dramatics.
I soooooooooooo feel that we cannot wait till July for counseling, he needs it now. I am so frustrated with the system.
After all this we got mathematics drama, and 'I want to die'. He did not want me to call the emergency phone number, and I didn't feel like he was in immediate need of killing himself, so I didn't, but boy this is hard. I have no idea what the right way of dealing with this is. I don't even know whether there IS a right way of dealing with it.
Later, we got the 'I can't walk around the neighborhood because dogs will kill me' angst. By now, I had kind of had it with the dramatics and told him 'Well, that would solve your problems, wouldn't it?' Yes, I know that was kind of snarky, but I am not perfect either. Then he decided that he did not want to get killed by dogs, he was just going to kill all the dogs instead. If only we could give him a gun, he would walk around the neighborhood. Not in your dreams, kid!
I have a headache and I want to cry cry cry. I was supposed to go out by myself tonight to do sports, but that didn't happen either. I just made myself some tea, and I have asked Zack whether I could trust him to keep himself safe. He said I could, but how would I know. Actually I feel that he will be ok, just miserable. If I felt he was in immediate danger of suiciding, I would drive him to the ER now.
But this is just not a good way to live for him or for us. We need help and it seems impossible to get it. July is so far away. Blech.
Oh, I found out today that he stopped eating bagels, which I had bought with the idea that that is one of the few foods he will eat. Maybe he was just hungry at night, but no foods looked good. He said he tried one bite of bagel, but he didn't like it anymore. Eating seems to be becoming a battle yet again. This sooooooooooooooo sucks.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Ups and Downs
Great, just typed a long post, only to have blogger eat it. Fits with the rest of my life :p The short story , I want to get him into therapy, but I suck, because life goes on, many other stressors today, and I never made the 5,000 phone calls needed. He desperately needs new strategies to deal with frustration. Some states have emergency , weekly homebased services for cases like Zack's till the therapy finally starts. Not sure whether our state is one of them though.
Last night, Zack was very anxious when the little ones were playing computer 'When daddy comes home, he will be irritated by it and starts yelling' This was at least an hour before daddy was even expected to come home. So I asked the little ones to stop playing sooner than they were supposed to, which made me feel bad for them.
Zack slept from 10pm till 8am, which was less than I expected, but at least it was at night.
Most of the day was ok, but we had a few infractions. One was when Ysa accidentily had used Zack's towel, and he grumbled about it. He did not fall apart though, which i guess is improvement. Or at least not much. He told me that he was not going to go with me to buy sandals anymore (which was on our program for the day). I said 'sure' and later he changed his mind. Still feels like a rumbling vulcano though.
The shopping went ok. But later at night, Zack was sorting through some mail and Vincent must have upset him, so he fell apart again. He threw mail through the room, and told me 'Vincent is an asshole and now I can't go to sleep because Vincent stressed me. I will get a night terror if I try to sleep now'. He continued with 'I am surrounded by assholes, I just want to live all by myself'. Sigh. He also told me he is NOT going to take his meds anymore.
He did eventually fall asleep around 11pm.
Tomorrow will be another day filled with stressors, I am not looking forward to it.
Last night, Zack was very anxious when the little ones were playing computer 'When daddy comes home, he will be irritated by it and starts yelling' This was at least an hour before daddy was even expected to come home. So I asked the little ones to stop playing sooner than they were supposed to, which made me feel bad for them.
Zack slept from 10pm till 8am, which was less than I expected, but at least it was at night.
Most of the day was ok, but we had a few infractions. One was when Ysa accidentily had used Zack's towel, and he grumbled about it. He did not fall apart though, which i guess is improvement. Or at least not much. He told me that he was not going to go with me to buy sandals anymore (which was on our program for the day). I said 'sure' and later he changed his mind. Still feels like a rumbling vulcano though.
The shopping went ok. But later at night, Zack was sorting through some mail and Vincent must have upset him, so he fell apart again. He threw mail through the room, and told me 'Vincent is an asshole and now I can't go to sleep because Vincent stressed me. I will get a night terror if I try to sleep now'. He continued with 'I am surrounded by assholes, I just want to live all by myself'. Sigh. He also told me he is NOT going to take his meds anymore.
He did eventually fall asleep around 11pm.
Tomorrow will be another day filled with stressors, I am not looking forward to it.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Psychiatrist
Today, we saw the psychiatrist. She first spent some time with Zack, then spent quite a lot of time with me. It was mostly asking question, trying to figure out what was going on. She increased his risperidone to twice a day, so up to 1 mg a day now. Still very low dose. Zack had told her that the meds are helping him. I told her about Sundays bad episode, and she said he should not have those on the meds. That's one reason to increase. She also said we could give him one when he has an episode like that.
She briefly mentioned anti depressants and gave me literature to explain why he would not be more likely to commit suicide while on them... She was not ready to prescribe any though, neither was I or Zack.
Overall , it was good visit, she wants to see us back in two weeks. Setting up an appointment for therapy was yet another exercise in frustration. 'We might have an opening in July' I wanted to ask a snarky 'Which year?' but thought better of it. So we got the emergency phone nr and the 'non emergency phone nr of the emergency person' and I guess I'll have to spend way more time on the phone than I want, trying to get him seen before July. He is semi open for therapy now, I want it to happen while he still is.
Tonight, he went to bed around 10pm, so he has been up for more than 24 hours. Hopefully this will reset his sleeping rhytm.
I am so tired of it all , and just want to sleep. Waking up when this all is over. Yes, I know that's not going to work :p
She briefly mentioned anti depressants and gave me literature to explain why he would not be more likely to commit suicide while on them... She was not ready to prescribe any though, neither was I or Zack.
Overall , it was good visit, she wants to see us back in two weeks. Setting up an appointment for therapy was yet another exercise in frustration. 'We might have an opening in July' I wanted to ask a snarky 'Which year?' but thought better of it. So we got the emergency phone nr and the 'non emergency phone nr of the emergency person' and I guess I'll have to spend way more time on the phone than I want, trying to get him seen before July. He is semi open for therapy now, I want it to happen while he still is.
Tonight, he went to bed around 10pm, so he has been up for more than 24 hours. Hopefully this will reset his sleeping rhytm.
I am so tired of it all , and just want to sleep. Waking up when this all is over. Yes, I know that's not going to work :p
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Good Day
Thanks L, and D for your comments on last post, I was going to email you guys , but I just feel too overwhelmed still. At least I walked again today, which I hadn't done for too long.
I got phone call to tell me 'We had a cancellation for the psychiatrist, tomorrow morning, would you like to take it?' I said 'yes'. We will see him for 1.5 hours tomorrow morning.
Zack had a good day, no big issues. He went to sleep around noon and still is asleep at 8:30pm.
I have no idea what to expect tomorrow morning, sounded like there was an evaluation involved too. I guess we'll find out.
I got phone call to tell me 'We had a cancellation for the psychiatrist, tomorrow morning, would you like to take it?' I said 'yes'. We will see him for 1.5 hours tomorrow morning.
Zack had a good day, no big issues. He went to sleep around noon and still is asleep at 8:30pm.
I have no idea what to expect tomorrow morning, sounded like there was an evaluation involved too. I guess we'll find out.
Monday, June 4, 2007
A Bit Better
Today, Zack slept from about 10am to 6pm. He was doing reasonably well at night, he obviously was a bit overwhelmed, but solved it by stepping away from the situation. Obviously much better than screaming and aggression. It still feels like watching a vulcano ready to erupt though, always rumbling.
Soon after he got up, he read a book to his little sister. She was sitting on his lap and tremendously enjoying it, basking in his love and caring. It is heartwarming to see him do this, it allows me to see the wonderful person inside of him, instead of just focusing on the current problematic issues.
I spoke to the crisis counselor on the phone. Zack will see a psychiatrist on Thursday, talking about his medication and other issues. I talked to a naturopath friend of me, giving me some ideas, and helping me see other sides of the medication issue. I still feel I have too little information on them though. She told me I could ask to first try the older meds, if we decide to go the meds route. At least there would be more research on them. The one he is on now, has only been approved for this purpose late last year. I am not happy about Zack being a guinea pig for it.
It has been a long day, just busy unrelated to Zack, but life goes on. Now I am ready for tea, but too lazy to get off my butt to actually make it :p I need a butler. 'Ring, ring' Sexy butler appears. 'Yes, madam.' 'James, could you please serve me some tea and light refreshments? I'll take it in the conservatory.' 'Yes, madam.'
Soon after he got up, he read a book to his little sister. She was sitting on his lap and tremendously enjoying it, basking in his love and caring. It is heartwarming to see him do this, it allows me to see the wonderful person inside of him, instead of just focusing on the current problematic issues.
I spoke to the crisis counselor on the phone. Zack will see a psychiatrist on Thursday, talking about his medication and other issues. I talked to a naturopath friend of me, giving me some ideas, and helping me see other sides of the medication issue. I still feel I have too little information on them though. She told me I could ask to first try the older meds, if we decide to go the meds route. At least there would be more research on them. The one he is on now, has only been approved for this purpose late last year. I am not happy about Zack being a guinea pig for it.
It has been a long day, just busy unrelated to Zack, but life goes on. Now I am ready for tea, but too lazy to get off my butt to actually make it :p I need a butler. 'Ring, ring' Sexy butler appears. 'Yes, madam.' 'James, could you please serve me some tea and light refreshments? I'll take it in the conservatory.' 'Yes, madam.'
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Sigh
Zack slept from 11am to about 6:30pm. We were in the living room and he didn't like something his brother Vincent said, so he kicked Vincent in the back. Not sure how hard, but I'll ask Vincent later to document. I made very clear that it is ok to be in a bad mood, but it is NOT ok to hurt people. And that I would be ready to do whatever was needed to protect other people from him if he thought he couldn't restrain himself.
Later he threatened to break his sister's neck. Not good.
When things calmed down, and only two siblings were left, he told me he felt so unloved. I told him we all love him very much. He replied 'If you really love me, you would just let me kill myself.'
I offered him the choice to go to the hospital if he felt that he was in danger of killing himself, but he (not surprisingly) declined. I wanted to give it as an option though.
Sigh.
I talked to a friend last night which helped me. He verbalized to me something I do know, but needed to hear. He told me that my kids are their own persons, and they ultimately decide how they will turn out in this life. If turn out to be angels, doesn't mean I was an angel. If they turn out to be villains, doesn't make me a villain. It is my job to be the best parent possible for them, but it is their decision how to end up. Good to hear that confirmed, even although I know it, I have found a regrettable amount of 'if only's and 'what if I had done X?' in my thought processes.
I still want to go to bed and sleep till this is over, but somehow, that's not an option. I'll be strong instead. Being strong really sucks. Being weak is much easier :p
Later he threatened to break his sister's neck. Not good.
When things calmed down, and only two siblings were left, he told me he felt so unloved. I told him we all love him very much. He replied 'If you really love me, you would just let me kill myself.'
I offered him the choice to go to the hospital if he felt that he was in danger of killing himself, but he (not surprisingly) declined. I wanted to give it as an option though.
Sigh.
I talked to a friend last night which helped me. He verbalized to me something I do know, but needed to hear. He told me that my kids are their own persons, and they ultimately decide how they will turn out in this life. If turn out to be angels, doesn't mean I was an angel. If they turn out to be villains, doesn't make me a villain. It is my job to be the best parent possible for them, but it is their decision how to end up. Good to hear that confirmed, even although I know it, I have found a regrettable amount of 'if only's and 'what if I had done X?' in my thought processes.
I still want to go to bed and sleep till this is over, but somehow, that's not an option. I'll be strong instead. Being strong really sucks. Being weak is much easier :p
Sleeping Times
This post is mostly to document his sleeping times since the night terror, so I can share that with counselor later
After night terror, slept from 10am - 4pm Friday.
Saturday, fell asleep around 3 or 4am, I woke him up about 30-60 mins after he had fallen asleep because we had read that could help prevent night terrors. Not sure till when he slept, since I was grocery shopping with other kids and he woke up while I was gone. Maybe around 3pm.
Sunday: It is almost 5am now , and he is still wide awake, says he doesn't want to sleep because he is afraid of night terrors.
The birds are singing and the sun is rising, so I will get some sleep myself now I guess. Please send anti-night terror vibes to Zack.
After night terror, slept from 10am - 4pm Friday.
Saturday, fell asleep around 3 or 4am, I woke him up about 30-60 mins after he had fallen asleep because we had read that could help prevent night terrors. Not sure till when he slept, since I was grocery shopping with other kids and he woke up while I was gone. Maybe around 3pm.
Sunday: It is almost 5am now , and he is still wide awake, says he doesn't want to sleep because he is afraid of night terrors.
The birds are singing and the sun is rising, so I will get some sleep myself now I guess. Please send anti-night terror vibes to Zack.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Terrified
Zack is totally resistant to going to sleep now, fearing to have another night terror. This does not make things easier, AND the chance for night terrors is higher when someone is overtired.
Last night , I woke him up about 45 mins after he fell asleep, which is supposed to help prevent them. He didn't have one, but of course, he most likely wouldn't have had one anyway.
I am having a hard time with all the stress myself, I can hold up appearances mostly, but I just feel very stressed. I told more than I really wanted to a friend yesterday, and now feel bad about saddling her with my problems. I sooooooo am going to be a hermit in my next life!
The thing is that normal things go on too, on top of all the extra and stressful things. The lawn has to be mowed, the laundry has to be done, the kids have to be fed, the groceries have to be done, the bills have to be paid. I don't even want to know how many medical bills we'll get from Zack. Most of them hopefully are covered, but what if some aren't. The joys of stress.
I feel more and more like just pulling the blankets over my head and wake up when this all is over, but maybe not the best option :p
Oh well, I will be fine somehow, it just might be some ups and downs for the whole family.
Last night , I woke him up about 45 mins after he fell asleep, which is supposed to help prevent them. He didn't have one, but of course, he most likely wouldn't have had one anyway.
I am having a hard time with all the stress myself, I can hold up appearances mostly, but I just feel very stressed. I told more than I really wanted to a friend yesterday, and now feel bad about saddling her with my problems. I sooooooo am going to be a hermit in my next life!
The thing is that normal things go on too, on top of all the extra and stressful things. The lawn has to be mowed, the laundry has to be done, the kids have to be fed, the groceries have to be done, the bills have to be paid. I don't even want to know how many medical bills we'll get from Zack. Most of them hopefully are covered, but what if some aren't. The joys of stress.
I feel more and more like just pulling the blankets over my head and wake up when this all is over, but maybe not the best option :p
Oh well, I will be fine somehow, it just might be some ups and downs for the whole family.
Afraid of Sleeping
Zack is afraid of falling asleep now, very worried about having another night terror. Which is bothersome, since overtiredness seems to be one of the common triggers. He does understand that, but still seems unable to fall asleep. I wish things were easier for him.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Wow
This worked out very well.
After spending most of the day on the phone, we finally managed to get an appointment at the end of the day, at a farther away center, but I was just happy we got to talk to someone. They were very sure the night terror wasn't a side effect of the medication, but I am still keeping it in mind as a possibility. None of my other kids ever had night terrors.
I got more of the story while he told it to the counselor. He was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and he heard noises in the attic, maybe like mice running around. He got scared enough to turn on the light. He got out of bed, and when he was halfway his room, he saw a flash and felt very out of control, started screaming HELP! and felt fear. He felt better once he was in our room.
The counselor asked him questions like was the flash inside his head or outside his head, he said outside, like a camera flash. He was not afraid of something specific, he just felt a lot of fear in general. He thought maybe it was a ghost telling him that someone had died, he said he had read stories about that.
Zack was amazingly cooperative, and talked to the counselor. I felt it was a very productive meeting. The counselor gave him all kinds of strategies for when it would happen again, and he told him that Zack did a great job running to a trusted adult when he felt out of control.
He talked to us together, then talked to me, followed by talking just to Zack.
After it was over, I asked Zack whether it was like he had expected, or better, or worse. He said it was better than expected. I hope this will help him to be less anxious about seeing a counselor again.
The counselor was a very nice guy, very calm, very trustworthy feeling to him. He radiated good energy, I think that's important in a counselor. It seemed to help Zack.
After spending most of the day on the phone, we finally managed to get an appointment at the end of the day, at a farther away center, but I was just happy we got to talk to someone. They were very sure the night terror wasn't a side effect of the medication, but I am still keeping it in mind as a possibility. None of my other kids ever had night terrors.
I got more of the story while he told it to the counselor. He was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, and he heard noises in the attic, maybe like mice running around. He got scared enough to turn on the light. He got out of bed, and when he was halfway his room, he saw a flash and felt very out of control, started screaming HELP! and felt fear. He felt better once he was in our room.
The counselor asked him questions like was the flash inside his head or outside his head, he said outside, like a camera flash. He was not afraid of something specific, he just felt a lot of fear in general. He thought maybe it was a ghost telling him that someone had died, he said he had read stories about that.
Zack was amazingly cooperative, and talked to the counselor. I felt it was a very productive meeting. The counselor gave him all kinds of strategies for when it would happen again, and he told him that Zack did a great job running to a trusted adult when he felt out of control.
He talked to us together, then talked to me, followed by talking just to Zack.
After it was over, I asked Zack whether it was like he had expected, or better, or worse. He said it was better than expected. I hope this will help him to be less anxious about seeing a counselor again.
The counselor was a very nice guy, very calm, very trustworthy feeling to him. He radiated good energy, I think that's important in a counselor. It seemed to help Zack.
So Much for Seeing the Counselor
At 11am, the counseling center called 'We can't see him today, what about we see him Monday instead?' Um... no. 'OK, we'll call you back'
Around 2p, I called the hospital instead, they told me to get him seen today. So I called the center again, and talked about running out of meds and wanting to be seen. Waiting for their call back now, we might be able to see them end of the day, about 40 mins away from here.
Sigh.
BTW, I think it wasn't a nightmare, but it was night terrors instead. No idea, I need someone who actually KNOWS what is going on :p
Around 2p, I called the hospital instead, they told me to get him seen today. So I called the center again, and talked about running out of meds and wanting to be seen. Waiting for their call back now, we might be able to see them end of the day, about 40 mins away from here.
Sigh.
BTW, I think it wasn't a nightmare, but it was night terrors instead. No idea, I need someone who actually KNOWS what is going on :p
Nightmare
Last night, around 3am, Zack came running and screaming into our room. 'Help! Help! Help! Help!' He woke us up, and some of the other kids. He looked really scared.
When he calmed down, he told us he was trying to fall asleep, and then he heard something and saw a flash of light and he got very scared. He thought maybe it was a demon. He wanted to go to the hospital NOW.
I talked him out of going right now, but he still was upset. He wanted us to check whether his room was ok. He wanted us to check whether all the pets and all the family members were still alive. He did not fall back asleep.He tried for a while to sleep in our room, because that felt safer, but it didn't work for him. Around 4am, he got up for the day. Although now he decided he will take a nap before going to the counselor, and is trying to sleep.
When he was trying to sleep during the night, he said he kept thinking things were moving in the shadows of his room.
Seeing the counselor at 1pm. I will make a list of all the things that has happened since Zack came home.
When he calmed down, he told us he was trying to fall asleep, and then he heard something and saw a flash of light and he got very scared. He thought maybe it was a demon. He wanted to go to the hospital NOW.
I talked him out of going right now, but he still was upset. He wanted us to check whether his room was ok. He wanted us to check whether all the pets and all the family members were still alive. He did not fall back asleep.He tried for a while to sleep in our room, because that felt safer, but it didn't work for him. Around 4am, he got up for the day. Although now he decided he will take a nap before going to the counselor, and is trying to sleep.
When he was trying to sleep during the night, he said he kept thinking things were moving in the shadows of his room.
Seeing the counselor at 1pm. I will make a list of all the things that has happened since Zack came home.
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