We had a good Christmas. The two boys came over early in the morning, around 8am and stayed till 7pm. We did all our usual Christmas things including a tree with TONS of presents (Yay for the thrift store, getting me many cheap filler presents, mostly books and barbies)
The ex told them he wouldn't celebrate Christmas with them 'because he doesn't have have any money.' Baby Bear's response 'That is just silly! He could just give us a $1 item!' Amen ^^ Ysa's response 'He could just get rid of all his World of Warcraft accounts and would have way more money.'
Not to mention that celebrating Christmas is not only about presents and money, it is about spending time together as a family and doing enjoyable things. I can come up with many many things we could do without spending any or just a little money, but I guess the ex is not there yet and will very likely never be there. Last year he promised Christmas but never did it, I guess at least he is not giving expectations this year and then not following through, so that is progress, right?
No Christmas decorations either, but then he doesn't have a couch or bed, so it would be unrealistic to think about Christmas if he can't even furnish an apartment or unpack his boxes.
The good thing is that I had a wonderful Christmas with all the kids and everyone was happy with their presents and we ate tons of not particularly healthy but very satisfying food.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Bryan School Meeting
I know it sounds silly, but in a way I am happy that Bryan now has an 'official learning disability.' Even if 'disability in written language' is what it says and his picture is sooooo much bigger and more complicated. Having an IEP will enable him to get the help he needs, even if it's not related to written language.
Again a pretty high iq (not surprising given siblings iq's) but can't write or spell and that's why he is eligible for an IEP. The principal of the school correctly identified that every single person around the table was talking about social / emotional / anxiety issues and that that seemed to be a bigger issue, but no one (psychologist in particular) was willing to commit to a 'social emotional disturbance'.
He is withdrawn at school, so they don't see all the behaviors I see at home I guess. The father filled out only part of the questionaires, since 'he didn't know the answers to all these questions.'
Anyway, it took us from September till December to officially qualify him and his case manager will start working on his IEP in January. Three kids on IEPs and counting.
One thing writing-wise is that he seems to like cursive and it is easier for him than printing. He also is pretty able with a keyboard, so there can be modifications in his work by replacing some of his writing with keyboarding.
Again a pretty high iq (not surprising given siblings iq's) but can't write or spell and that's why he is eligible for an IEP. The principal of the school correctly identified that every single person around the table was talking about social / emotional / anxiety issues and that that seemed to be a bigger issue, but no one (psychologist in particular) was willing to commit to a 'social emotional disturbance'.
He is withdrawn at school, so they don't see all the behaviors I see at home I guess. The father filled out only part of the questionaires, since 'he didn't know the answers to all these questions.'
Anyway, it took us from September till December to officially qualify him and his case manager will start working on his IEP in January. Three kids on IEPs and counting.
One thing writing-wise is that he seems to like cursive and it is easier for him than printing. He also is pretty able with a keyboard, so there can be modifications in his work by replacing some of his writing with keyboarding.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
So many posts in my head, so little time. Quick update before running off to get Baby Bear to school and pup walked.
The good: Today Bryan will have therapy again, tomorrow Penny will have therapy again after about 6 months of no therapy at all (Insurance claims: 26 sessions of therapy should solve anyone's problems, very generous we are). Bryan will see his old therapist, Penny will see a new one since her old therapist has left the practice. This new one comes highly recommended by Violet's case manager, looking forward to getting to know her.
The bad: On Saturday Bryan had suicidal statements. On Sunday Ysa stated 'I just will kill myself.' Both were not extremely likely threats, but still means I increase my vigilance and make sure Emergency Services phone number is very accessible.
The ugly: Over the last few weeks, Ysa has started hitting and kicking me, although it hasn't happened in the last week (I suspect her therapist has talked to her about it). She still destroys property though. Yesterday morning we got a new hole in hallway wall (sheetrock). It is very discouraging to try to get a house ready for sale while she keeps destroying things. I haven't found anything that works for her yet. She keeps slamming doors, kicking doors, kicking walls, behaving passive agressively and downright aggressively to her siblings, using swears and curses, refusing to do anything around the house.
The good: Today Bryan will have therapy again, tomorrow Penny will have therapy again after about 6 months of no therapy at all (Insurance claims: 26 sessions of therapy should solve anyone's problems, very generous we are). Bryan will see his old therapist, Penny will see a new one since her old therapist has left the practice. This new one comes highly recommended by Violet's case manager, looking forward to getting to know her.
The bad: On Saturday Bryan had suicidal statements. On Sunday Ysa stated 'I just will kill myself.' Both were not extremely likely threats, but still means I increase my vigilance and make sure Emergency Services phone number is very accessible.
The ugly: Over the last few weeks, Ysa has started hitting and kicking me, although it hasn't happened in the last week (I suspect her therapist has talked to her about it). She still destroys property though. Yesterday morning we got a new hole in hallway wall (sheetrock). It is very discouraging to try to get a house ready for sale while she keeps destroying things. I haven't found anything that works for her yet. She keeps slamming doors, kicking doors, kicking walls, behaving passive agressively and downright aggressively to her siblings, using swears and curses, refusing to do anything around the house.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Good Thing about That Meeting
One of the good things about that big meeting last Wednesday is that Bryan's case manager was there and got a MUCH better insight in the size of the problem. Bryan's school has had a lot of 'It was the divorce. It was the homeschooling. He is just shy. He makes eye contact so he can't have Aspergers.' Sitting in the meeting and hearing all the HUGE issues the kids have and how Dr Plato talked about them hopefully made her WAY more away of the size of the problem.
For now Bryan is not doing badly in school (apart from spelling / writing) but he has huge anxiety and his clumsiness regularly lands him in the nurses office. We have another meeting about him on Monday, and I really hope that the input of dr Plato will change the dynamics of the meeting from 'This overprotective mom wants to see problems which are not there.' to 'How can we give Bryan support to overcome his genetic dispositions and all the trauma he has experienced.'
For now Bryan is not doing badly in school (apart from spelling / writing) but he has huge anxiety and his clumsiness regularly lands him in the nurses office. We have another meeting about him on Monday, and I really hope that the input of dr Plato will change the dynamics of the meeting from 'This overprotective mom wants to see problems which are not there.' to 'How can we give Bryan support to overcome his genetic dispositions and all the trauma he has experienced.'
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Zac
Last week, Dr Plato met with Zac. The good news is that he did not at all play the mom card anymore. The bad news is that since he can't blame anyone, he now feels he is going nowhere, and it is all him, it is all his responsibility, it is all his guilt. There is so much anxiety about not being good enough. Which dr Plato feels is present in all my kids. Even Baby Bear, who is worried about failing kindergarten en failing swimming lessons.
Back to Zac, dr Plato feels he is a fact collector. A fact collector who thinks he is MUCH smarter than anyone around him. Dr Plato has pointed out to him that he is in fact not more able or has more information than anyone with a library card and an internet connection.
Zac cannot handle whole brain learning and perspective taking, or inferential thinking. All the logic in the world does not get past the stimuli in his brain stem area (anxieties and such)
He does not have any internal reinforcement, only external ones. When dr Plato asked him what he wanted in life, his answer was 'money, more money, most money.'
Zac is addicted to videogames, very much so. He uses it to handle his stress and then he gets more stressed because in a way he realizes he is hurting himself. And needs more video games. Classical addiction pattern. If he is not playing videogames, he is thinking about video games. I know this is not a huge surprise, given the fact that his father is just as addicted, but it still adds to my guilt / frustration of having Zac move in with his father. Yes, even if I know that is silly and there are many good things about that move, I still have to acknowledge to myself that I feel guilty about things I cannot control.
Zac's therapist told the group that she is really struggling with Zac, she cannot at all reach him. He cannot handle anything that he would need to help him move on in life.
Dr Plato considers Zac to be stuck at a 5yo level. But we expect goals and behaviors of him which are not consistent with a 5yo level. It is not easy to accept that my 16yo is stuck at 5yo, sadly enough, but it does fit his behaviors and maturity. Although in a way I have done a lot of this accepting over time, it still is an ongoing process for me.
Zac does know a lot , but there is a HUGE difference between knowing and performing what you know. This is where his lack of executive skills comes in and his anxiety of 'I am not good enough.' He does not appreciate what he has done, and only focuses on what he is not doing.
The main theme of the meeting seemed to be 'We cannot fix Zac, but we can attempt to keep the others from becoming Zac. There is a time bomb ticking in all of them.'
Easy to listen to this in a very egotistic way and say 'I screwed them up! It is all my fault!' but of course that is not what they were saying. Not to mention that Vincent is relatively unharmed and more social adept, even if he has videogame addiction issues too. Somehow Vincent was only mentioned in passing at the beginning of the meeting, and after that everything was focused on problems, problems, problems, problems. It was very intense.
Back to Zac, dr Plato feels he is a fact collector. A fact collector who thinks he is MUCH smarter than anyone around him. Dr Plato has pointed out to him that he is in fact not more able or has more information than anyone with a library card and an internet connection.
Zac cannot handle whole brain learning and perspective taking, or inferential thinking. All the logic in the world does not get past the stimuli in his brain stem area (anxieties and such)
He does not have any internal reinforcement, only external ones. When dr Plato asked him what he wanted in life, his answer was 'money, more money, most money.'
Zac is addicted to videogames, very much so. He uses it to handle his stress and then he gets more stressed because in a way he realizes he is hurting himself. And needs more video games. Classical addiction pattern. If he is not playing videogames, he is thinking about video games. I know this is not a huge surprise, given the fact that his father is just as addicted, but it still adds to my guilt / frustration of having Zac move in with his father. Yes, even if I know that is silly and there are many good things about that move, I still have to acknowledge to myself that I feel guilty about things I cannot control.
Zac's therapist told the group that she is really struggling with Zac, she cannot at all reach him. He cannot handle anything that he would need to help him move on in life.
Dr Plato considers Zac to be stuck at a 5yo level. But we expect goals and behaviors of him which are not consistent with a 5yo level. It is not easy to accept that my 16yo is stuck at 5yo, sadly enough, but it does fit his behaviors and maturity. Although in a way I have done a lot of this accepting over time, it still is an ongoing process for me.
Zac does know a lot , but there is a HUGE difference between knowing and performing what you know. This is where his lack of executive skills comes in and his anxiety of 'I am not good enough.' He does not appreciate what he has done, and only focuses on what he is not doing.
The main theme of the meeting seemed to be 'We cannot fix Zac, but we can attempt to keep the others from becoming Zac. There is a time bomb ticking in all of them.'
Easy to listen to this in a very egotistic way and say 'I screwed them up! It is all my fault!' but of course that is not what they were saying. Not to mention that Vincent is relatively unharmed and more social adept, even if he has videogame addiction issues too. Somehow Vincent was only mentioned in passing at the beginning of the meeting, and after that everything was focused on problems, problems, problems, problems. It was very intense.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
PTSD or More Alphabet Soup
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It came up more often than I would like to admit in today's meeting. It came up in Baby Bear's therapy last week. Bryan's therapist talked about it as a given for Bryan. Penny's therapist has talked about it in the past.
I know it is just a label, but it also makes me feel like a 'failure' for not having protected my kids better. Which is totally nonsense. But the feeling is there and I want to acknowledge it before I can let go of it.
Of course I did partly protect them by getting out of the abusive marriage.
But how can one protect them from their own siblings in their own house????
Such a joy to add more letters to all the diagnoses, even if I know that the kids aren't defined by their labels, and it's appropriate to look at them from a developmental perspective instead of from a label perspective, it still SUCKS to see these labels associated with my children.
It came up more often than I would like to admit in today's meeting. It came up in Baby Bear's therapy last week. Bryan's therapist talked about it as a given for Bryan. Penny's therapist has talked about it in the past.
I know it is just a label, but it also makes me feel like a 'failure' for not having protected my kids better. Which is totally nonsense. But the feeling is there and I want to acknowledge it before I can let go of it.
Of course I did partly protect them by getting out of the abusive marriage.
But how can one protect them from their own siblings in their own house????
Such a joy to add more letters to all the diagnoses, even if I know that the kids aren't defined by their labels, and it's appropriate to look at them from a developmental perspective instead of from a label perspective, it still SUCKS to see these labels associated with my children.
Parents' Pride
Today we had a big meeting, with all the kids' therapists, and some of the school people and dr Plato. It was very useful, interesting, and gave me more ideas for concrete things to do. I will write about it soon, I promise but for now just sharing Dr Plato's 'I am constantly amazed by the complexity and severity of some of your kids symptoms.' Ha! That is really how one wants to stand out and be known 'The woman with all the Really Weird, no seriously, Very Screwed Up kids'
I am glad I have a sense of humor about it all ^^
I am glad I have a sense of humor about it all ^^
Monday, December 14, 2009
Enjoying the Differences
Monday morning chatty post before I jump into current challenges.
Last week I was out with the four youngest and almost ready to leave the cafetaria where we had been hanging out for a while. Just before we left, one of the kids' art teachers from our local art gallery came in. My kids were happy to see him, and he was happy to see us.
Of course, this means that suddenly we were not going to leave yet, because we had to talk for a bit and then he wanted to show us his stunning pictures from his trip out West. Followed by pictures of the girls' art class. One thing led to another, and it was at least an hour later before we finally left.
What was interesting to me was to observe the TOTALLY different way Penny and Violet spent most of that hour. Penny glued herself to the art teacher, talking about a variety of issues and subjects, carrying on a long and involved and interesting conversation. Violet borrowed the teacher's camera and spent all the time arranging her 'sculpture' she had made out of jackets and other items and making pictures, which had to be just right, she made maybe 5 pictures in half an hour, spending the rest of the time arranging her subject and finding the right angle to take the picture from.
It was like the poster children for 'See the difference between Aspie and more neurotypical sibling'. Not like I don't see it all the time, but this particular instant it struck me more than usual for some reason, because it was so 'perfect'.
Meanwhile Bryan started breaking down, so while I was observing, I dealt with dramatic breakdown since he had had it. Wasn't easy to get either Penny or Violet to give up on their activities though. Violet had to make one more perfect picture, and Penny had to tell the teacher just a bit more about whatever.
Last week I was out with the four youngest and almost ready to leave the cafetaria where we had been hanging out for a while. Just before we left, one of the kids' art teachers from our local art gallery came in. My kids were happy to see him, and he was happy to see us.
Of course, this means that suddenly we were not going to leave yet, because we had to talk for a bit and then he wanted to show us his stunning pictures from his trip out West. Followed by pictures of the girls' art class. One thing led to another, and it was at least an hour later before we finally left.
What was interesting to me was to observe the TOTALLY different way Penny and Violet spent most of that hour. Penny glued herself to the art teacher, talking about a variety of issues and subjects, carrying on a long and involved and interesting conversation. Violet borrowed the teacher's camera and spent all the time arranging her 'sculpture' she had made out of jackets and other items and making pictures, which had to be just right, she made maybe 5 pictures in half an hour, spending the rest of the time arranging her subject and finding the right angle to take the picture from.
It was like the poster children for 'See the difference between Aspie and more neurotypical sibling'. Not like I don't see it all the time, but this particular instant it struck me more than usual for some reason, because it was so 'perfect'.
Meanwhile Bryan started breaking down, so while I was observing, I dealt with dramatic breakdown since he had had it. Wasn't easy to get either Penny or Violet to give up on their activities though. Violet had to make one more perfect picture, and Penny had to tell the teacher just a bit more about whatever.
Monday, December 7, 2009
And Yet Another Zac Truancy Day
Today Zac isn't in school yet again.
X sounded depressed when I called him at work.
X explained 'I couldn't get him out of bed, he said he was scared.'
Me 'Hmmm, that is too bad.'
X barked at me 'YES IT IS!'
He added 'Things are pretty hopeless.'
I think the reality of Zac's issues is sinking in and he doesn't like it. My sister said 'He doesn't even know how to be a NORMAL parent, let alone how to deal with the very special type of parenting that Zac requires.' Yeah, that is a good description.
I was tempted to say 'See that this placement is NOT working for Zac???' but I kept my mouth shut because I know from experience that X is not ready to listen and might never be ready to listen. If Zac goes to school again tomorrow, the X's universe will be 'Zac is doing so well!' without seeing the bigger picture. Not a huge surprise, but it still is hard to watch it happening.
X sounded depressed when I called him at work.
X explained 'I couldn't get him out of bed, he said he was scared.'
Me 'Hmmm, that is too bad.'
X barked at me 'YES IT IS!'
He added 'Things are pretty hopeless.'
I think the reality of Zac's issues is sinking in and he doesn't like it. My sister said 'He doesn't even know how to be a NORMAL parent, let alone how to deal with the very special type of parenting that Zac requires.' Yeah, that is a good description.
I was tempted to say 'See that this placement is NOT working for Zac???' but I kept my mouth shut because I know from experience that X is not ready to listen and might never be ready to listen. If Zac goes to school again tomorrow, the X's universe will be 'Zac is doing so well!' without seeing the bigger picture. Not a huge surprise, but it still is hard to watch it happening.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Ysa Therapy
Today, Ysa had her first therapy session.
Last night 'I am NOT going! I HATE my therapist! I'll just move to papa! He won't make me go to therapy! And you can't get me back anyway because you couldn't get Vincent or Zac back either. I will just tell her I am anorexic, so I have something to talk about! I will tall her I want to kill Penny so I will have something to talk about! I am not going to say ANYTHING! I will run away from school so I don't have to go!'
A few minutes later she hit Penny when Penny ran past her. 'Oh, I was just brushing my hair out of my face and Penny ran into my arm...' Um... I saw her hit very deliberately AND Penny cried from how hard she hit.
Today, she did go though. Although her input when I was still there was mostly 'hrm' and shoulder shrugging till I brought up the Penny incident. 'It was all Penny's fault, I was just standing there.'
No idea how much she talked when I was out of the room. She agreed with therapist to go next week. I hope it will help her to have someone to pat her on the back and help her find strategies to deal with her stupidhead mom.
Last night 'I am NOT going! I HATE my therapist! I'll just move to papa! He won't make me go to therapy! And you can't get me back anyway because you couldn't get Vincent or Zac back either. I will just tell her I am anorexic, so I have something to talk about! I will tall her I want to kill Penny so I will have something to talk about! I am not going to say ANYTHING! I will run away from school so I don't have to go!'
A few minutes later she hit Penny when Penny ran past her. 'Oh, I was just brushing my hair out of my face and Penny ran into my arm...' Um... I saw her hit very deliberately AND Penny cried from how hard she hit.
Today, she did go though. Although her input when I was still there was mostly 'hrm' and shoulder shrugging till I brought up the Penny incident. 'It was all Penny's fault, I was just standing there.'
No idea how much she talked when I was out of the room. She agreed with therapist to go next week. I hope it will help her to have someone to pat her on the back and help her find strategies to deal with her stupidhead mom.
Interesting 'Insight'
Remember how X let Zac and Bryan be alone all the time anyway, even while it was not safe 'because he didn't want Zac to feel broken'?
Today I suddenly realized that when he asked me to not leave Ysa with the little ones, he didn't worry at all about her feeling broken. Hmmmmmmm. I guess he identifies with Zac a LOT more than with Ysa, but still a bit weird how Zac has to be protected against 'feeling broken' but Ysa doesn't. (in his universe that is)
It saddens me both for Zac and Ysa.
Today I suddenly realized that when he asked me to not leave Ysa with the little ones, he didn't worry at all about her feeling broken. Hmmmmmmm. I guess he identifies with Zac a LOT more than with Ysa, but still a bit weird how Zac has to be protected against 'feeling broken' but Ysa doesn't. (in his universe that is)
It saddens me both for Zac and Ysa.
Zac Absence Today
Today I checked the school website 'Excused Absence' for Zac.
I called X to find out what's up.
Me 'How did Zac do today?'
X 'I don't know, I had a doctor's appointment so I don't know whether he made it to school.'
I see. So Zac is home, X didn't even know about that, and the school logged it as an excused absence. Maybe Zac called to tell the school he was sick? Who knows. Or he missed the school bus. I could call school and find out but it seems irrelevant and since I am not pushing for the CHINS or residential anymore, it doesn't really matter whether it says excused or unexcused absence.
It just feels soooooooo frustrating, seeing the level of care X is giving to Zac, and knowing that this is not in Zac's best interest at all. But X doesn't care and Zac is just happy to be able to stay home all day and play computer. Zac got onto gtalk around 1pm but the moment I said hi to him he disappeared. How surprising ^^
I called X to find out what's up.
Me 'How did Zac do today?'
X 'I don't know, I had a doctor's appointment so I don't know whether he made it to school.'
I see. So Zac is home, X didn't even know about that, and the school logged it as an excused absence. Maybe Zac called to tell the school he was sick? Who knows. Or he missed the school bus. I could call school and find out but it seems irrelevant and since I am not pushing for the CHINS or residential anymore, it doesn't really matter whether it says excused or unexcused absence.
It just feels soooooooo frustrating, seeing the level of care X is giving to Zac, and knowing that this is not in Zac's best interest at all. But X doesn't care and Zac is just happy to be able to stay home all day and play computer. Zac got onto gtalk around 1pm but the moment I said hi to him he disappeared. How surprising ^^
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Ha, Not Playing the Mom Card Anymore
We had very interesting school meeting with Dr Plato a few weeks ago. Dr Plato met with Zac before the meeting and figured out what he is interested in. Not surprisingly, for Zac everything is about money. Together dr Plato and Zac came up with a plan where he would make a business proposal (Zac is planning on selling tshirts) which he could present to the 'find financing for small businesses association' here in town to see whether he could get financing.
Of course, to create his business proposal, he would need to do some research in other businesses and talk to people and write up what he talked about and come to school to get help with the creation of this business proposal.
This is a big change from 'I want to go to college' and frankly I don't expect too much success right now, but it gives him a direction and a motivation for coming to school, and I can only hope it works out. Dr Plato talked about hopelessness and helplessness due to his depression and that this is a small flame of hope, although it could get extinguished quite soon again, but for now it's there.
The good news is that Zac kept blaming me in the meeting 'Well, I have not been coming to school because my mom abused me so much and I am so stressed out by her.' Uh huh. Dr Plato calmly stated 'How long will you let your anger to your mom stand in the way of making money?' and that since I am not fighting for custody anymore that there is no real reason to be stressed out about me anymore. Maybe he could let go of this particularly issue? Zac didn't agree. 'I WOULD, but I am still so traumatized!!!' Dr Plato asked 'How much time do you need to help you deal with the trauma? ' Zac 'Oh, till next Monday.' Dr Plato said 'OK, so from Monday on you won't use your mom as an excuse anymore.'
Ha! I thought that was a pretty clever way to get the mom card out of the way, even if I don't know yet whether it will work.
It is an interesting experience to be considered so powerful that all one's problems can be blamed to me.
Later my sis asked me 'Do you think Zac will ever realize what a powerful ally he lost when he moved to X's house?' I replied 'No, I don't think so, and I don't think it matters either. I doubt he will ever have the social recognition and self insight and bigger picture thinking to see what happened and read all the undercurrents and even the big story.' For Zac the big story will most likely always be 'My mom is a bitch but my dad saved me from her.'
Interesting side tidbit. The ex now pays him for going to school, $1 a day. He has been doing that for a bunch of weeks and there were many absences, so it doesn't seem to be super effective, but who knows.
Of course, to create his business proposal, he would need to do some research in other businesses and talk to people and write up what he talked about and come to school to get help with the creation of this business proposal.
This is a big change from 'I want to go to college' and frankly I don't expect too much success right now, but it gives him a direction and a motivation for coming to school, and I can only hope it works out. Dr Plato talked about hopelessness and helplessness due to his depression and that this is a small flame of hope, although it could get extinguished quite soon again, but for now it's there.
The good news is that Zac kept blaming me in the meeting 'Well, I have not been coming to school because my mom abused me so much and I am so stressed out by her.' Uh huh. Dr Plato calmly stated 'How long will you let your anger to your mom stand in the way of making money?' and that since I am not fighting for custody anymore that there is no real reason to be stressed out about me anymore. Maybe he could let go of this particularly issue? Zac didn't agree. 'I WOULD, but I am still so traumatized!!!' Dr Plato asked 'How much time do you need to help you deal with the trauma? ' Zac 'Oh, till next Monday.' Dr Plato said 'OK, so from Monday on you won't use your mom as an excuse anymore.'
Ha! I thought that was a pretty clever way to get the mom card out of the way, even if I don't know yet whether it will work.
It is an interesting experience to be considered so powerful that all one's problems can be blamed to me.
Later my sis asked me 'Do you think Zac will ever realize what a powerful ally he lost when he moved to X's house?' I replied 'No, I don't think so, and I don't think it matters either. I doubt he will ever have the social recognition and self insight and bigger picture thinking to see what happened and read all the undercurrents and even the big story.' For Zac the big story will most likely always be 'My mom is a bitch but my dad saved me from her.'
Interesting side tidbit. The ex now pays him for going to school, $1 a day. He has been doing that for a bunch of weeks and there were many absences, so it doesn't seem to be super effective, but who knows.
Um... (slightly amusing)
'Amusing' Things They Say.
Lots of noise and commotion.
Bryan crying 'She hurt me!!!'
Penny, indignantly 'I didn't even TOUCH him! I just shoved him out of the way!'
Shoving someone out of the way without touching him? Impressive... Especially since it looks like Bryan was climbing on the couch around the location where Penny was sitting and he ended up on the floor. No one got really hurt, but there was a lot of angry voices. They did calm down pretty easily though, and I have to admit that I was amused by the 'Didn't touch him, just shoved him!'
Still have lots to post, and no time, so I might just do a highlights post some time soon.
Lots of noise and commotion.
Bryan crying 'She hurt me!!!'
Penny, indignantly 'I didn't even TOUCH him! I just shoved him out of the way!'
Shoving someone out of the way without touching him? Impressive... Especially since it looks like Bryan was climbing on the couch around the location where Penny was sitting and he ended up on the floor. No one got really hurt, but there was a lot of angry voices. They did calm down pretty easily though, and I have to admit that I was amused by the 'Didn't touch him, just shoved him!'
Still have lots to post, and no time, so I might just do a highlights post some time soon.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Penny Phone Call (funny)
Today I first talked to my lawyer about all kind of ex crap and custody stuff, then I got the Zac phone call, and I ran a bunch of errands. When the phone ran AGAIN, and I saw yet another call from one of the schools. I was like 'Great, I wonder what it is now.'
Penny's teacher 'Penny's pants got muddy at the playground and since you guys are having a long day today (we have all kind of activities after school) she would love it if you could drop off a clean pair of pants.' She put on Penny and we chatted and I committed to bringing pants when I pick her up.
Nice to have a more down-to-earth, easy-to-solve issue after the Zac issue.
Penny's teacher 'Penny's pants got muddy at the playground and since you guys are having a long day today (we have all kind of activities after school) she would love it if you could drop off a clean pair of pants.' She put on Penny and we chatted and I committed to bringing pants when I pick her up.
Nice to have a more down-to-earth, easy-to-solve issue after the Zac issue.
Zac Phone Call
This morning, Zac's school psychologist called and told me 'Zac was having a hard time today. Vincent overslept his alarm and there was yelling (I assume his father yelling at Vincent?') and then when his father drove Vincent to school, Zac cried for twenty minutes. The psychologist asked him what he was thinking during that time and Zac answered 'I was thinking I could just call all my medication all at once and then call 911.'
Well, at least he was going to call 911 :p
On the other hand, this seems a bit more likely ideation than the 'jump out of a window or hang myself from the balcony'. The psychologist talked to him about calling the therapy center's emergency number when he feels like this and made sure he knows where the card with the number is.
He also talked about who he could contact at school on days that the psychologist isn't there for issues like this.
The good news is that he will see his therapist today.
Well, at least he was going to call 911 :p
On the other hand, this seems a bit more likely ideation than the 'jump out of a window or hang myself from the balcony'. The psychologist talked to him about calling the therapy center's emergency number when he feels like this and made sure he knows where the card with the number is.
He also talked about who he could contact at school on days that the psychologist isn't there for issues like this.
The good news is that he will see his therapist today.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Woohoo, Medicaid!
Today I got a letter that my five younger children qualify for medicaid. This means they can go back into counseling and medicaide will pick up the cost. Which is quite significant since once I get everything set up, four out of five will be in counseling. Violet is almost graduating (one more session) because she is doing so well.
Baby Bear barely got started a few weeks ago and I think will benefit from someone to talk to with all the things which are happening in her life. Penny and Bryan haven't seen a counselor for a number of months because they ran out of therapy even although they haven't run out of issues yet ^^
Ysa doesn't know it yet, but is going to be in counseling too, I already got in the paperwork. I am worried about depression for her, and she clearly is VERY ANGRY at me for putting her in school AND is adjusting to 8th grade as her very first ever year in school AND she is 'suffering' from puberty. No wonder she is a mess :p
Baby Bear barely got started a few weeks ago and I think will benefit from someone to talk to with all the things which are happening in her life. Penny and Bryan haven't seen a counselor for a number of months because they ran out of therapy even although they haven't run out of issues yet ^^
Ysa doesn't know it yet, but is going to be in counseling too, I already got in the paperwork. I am worried about depression for her, and she clearly is VERY ANGRY at me for putting her in school AND is adjusting to 8th grade as her very first ever year in school AND she is 'suffering' from puberty. No wonder she is a mess :p
Friday, November 27, 2009
Big Penny Breakdown
Wow!
Haven't seen such a big breakdown in a while, or at least not including people getting hurt. Usually it's just door slamming (LOUD and repeatedly and repeatedly and a few more times for good measure) and lotsa screaming, but today she escalated to hitting Violet.
Because... Violet had deleted some of Penny's miis on the wii. Six months ago or at least not very recently at all. Penny discovered it today and it was the end of the world as we know it and she started screaming and then went into hitting Violet. She also told them that she wanted Zac and Violet to be killed (the only two other people in the room)
There was no reasoning with her and I ended up half dragging her out of the room while she tried to bite me, kick me, hit me, do ANYTHING to not be taken out of the room. Somehow I got her out and sat down with her in the hallway, hoping she would calm down. Which of course she didn't.
'YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!! VIOLET IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!! ZAC IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!' YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!! YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!'
When Ysa showed up to ask politely (yes that is sarcasm) 'Can you fucking be QUIET?' This was Penny's trigger to change to 'YSA IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' in between the other people AND the dog trying to kill her. Ha!
She still was trying to bite me, kick the door, kick the dog, kick me, kick everything around her and very much out of control.
I haven't seen such a big freakout in a pretty long time. School stress? I have no idea but I can't say it's very fun. When I thought it was safe to let go of her, she ran into the bath room, slamming and kicking the door a few times.
Later when she got out she locked herself in the basement. When she decided to leave the basement she opened the front door, so I ran to the hallway to make sure she wasn't leaving. Which got me many 'YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME! GO AWAY! STOP LOOKING AT ME!' and she put on her coat and disappeared in the basement again.
Yes, with door slamming :p
She is calmer now and cutting up 40 pieces of paper in the family room, putting numbers on them for no clear reason. I am just grateful that we seem to be past this crisis. I will be hopeful for her therapy to kick in again soon though (depends on medicaid) since she clearly isn't dealing well with something.
Haven't seen such a big breakdown in a while, or at least not including people getting hurt. Usually it's just door slamming (LOUD and repeatedly and repeatedly and a few more times for good measure) and lotsa screaming, but today she escalated to hitting Violet.
Because... Violet had deleted some of Penny's miis on the wii. Six months ago or at least not very recently at all. Penny discovered it today and it was the end of the world as we know it and she started screaming and then went into hitting Violet. She also told them that she wanted Zac and Violet to be killed (the only two other people in the room)
There was no reasoning with her and I ended up half dragging her out of the room while she tried to bite me, kick me, hit me, do ANYTHING to not be taken out of the room. Somehow I got her out and sat down with her in the hallway, hoping she would calm down. Which of course she didn't.
'YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!! VIOLET IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!! ZAC IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!' YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!! YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!'
When Ysa showed up to ask politely (yes that is sarcasm) 'Can you fucking be QUIET?' This was Penny's trigger to change to 'YSA IS TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' in between the other people AND the dog trying to kill her. Ha!
She still was trying to bite me, kick the door, kick the dog, kick me, kick everything around her and very much out of control.
I haven't seen such a big freakout in a pretty long time. School stress? I have no idea but I can't say it's very fun. When I thought it was safe to let go of her, she ran into the bath room, slamming and kicking the door a few times.
Later when she got out she locked herself in the basement. When she decided to leave the basement she opened the front door, so I ran to the hallway to make sure she wasn't leaving. Which got me many 'YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME! GO AWAY! STOP LOOKING AT ME!' and she put on her coat and disappeared in the basement again.
Yes, with door slamming :p
She is calmer now and cutting up 40 pieces of paper in the family room, putting numbers on them for no clear reason. I am just grateful that we seem to be past this crisis. I will be hopeful for her therapy to kick in again soon though (depends on medicaid) since she clearly isn't dealing well with something.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
What IS Anxiety?
Yes, I am still tons of posts behind and have much to tell and share, but for now pondering the question 'What IS Anxiety?' in such a way that it can be explained to Penny at 10 years old. We were driving, and she was telling me about meeting with her case manager and how she is supposed to write every question she asks on a yellow post it note now (not sure why, to raise her awareness about how many questions she asks maybe?) and she started talking about anxiety.
'Mama, I really don't KNOW what anxiety is, I mean I know what anxious means, but I still do not GET what anxiety is.' I gave a bunch of examples, but I am not sure whether I did a very good job. I am wondering how to best explain anxiety in a way that makes sense for her.
I did some web surfing, but although I can find tons of stuff to explain anxiety to adults, I can not really find anything which I felt was a good way of explaining it to her.
Any input welcome.
'Mama, I really don't KNOW what anxiety is, I mean I know what anxious means, but I still do not GET what anxiety is.' I gave a bunch of examples, but I am not sure whether I did a very good job. I am wondering how to best explain anxiety in a way that makes sense for her.
I did some web surfing, but although I can find tons of stuff to explain anxiety to adults, I can not really find anything which I felt was a good way of explaining it to her.
Any input welcome.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Penny School Anxieties
Today I got an email from Penny's school case manager
"We've been feeling our way with Penny for a few weeks and I feel it's at the point to address it with you. Penny has had an extreme increase in anxiety related behaviors. Inability to "let go", obsessing over mistakes and/or not even allowing herself to make mistakes to begin with so she'll ask question after question, and if something is late or she is behind the others (like the map) she'll worry. We spent a good portion of the morning talking today about this. She doesn't feel "worried" but when she's talking to you about it you start feeling anxious because she's so tightly "wound" and can't define it.
We discussed how to write questions down for a later time that may be more accepting for teachers, we talked about how to define a good question and from that comes giving yourself time to come up with the answer (research, ask a peer, answer what you can first and go back). We also talked about doing what the teacher has asked instead of making up your own choice, which then leads to a lot of "off topic" questionning. The last point was to ensure she's advocating for herslef as a homeschooled student who may not have had the instruction the previous year (sometimes Penny can get "stuck" when a teacher prefaces the instruction with "you probably already had this, so I'm going to go fast...".
My thoughts: Penny has anxiety. I do think she's done a lovely job transitioning into public school and one would expect her to have a certain level of anxiety. BUT, she is getting stuck and obsessing. I will advocate for the anxiety group for 5th grade, but that doesn't start for some time now. I will always be available to her teacher to help with strategies as well. Dr. F will check in with me tomorrow when she's here and may even have time to meet with Penny to get a sense of needs (she and I talked about Penny after dr Plato's meeting with us).
So, I guess just a heads up for now and let's keep an eye on how she implements the strategies from today's chat."
"We've been feeling our way with Penny for a few weeks and I feel it's at the point to address it with you. Penny has had an extreme increase in anxiety related behaviors. Inability to "let go", obsessing over mistakes and/or not even allowing herself to make mistakes to begin with so she'll ask question after question, and if something is late or she is behind the others (like the map) she'll worry. We spent a good portion of the morning talking today about this. She doesn't feel "worried" but when she's talking to you about it you start feeling anxious because she's so tightly "wound" and can't define it.
We discussed how to write questions down for a later time that may be more accepting for teachers, we talked about how to define a good question and from that comes giving yourself time to come up with the answer (research, ask a peer, answer what you can first and go back). We also talked about doing what the teacher has asked instead of making up your own choice, which then leads to a lot of "off topic" questionning. The last point was to ensure she's advocating for herslef as a homeschooled student who may not have had the instruction the previous year (sometimes Penny can get "stuck" when a teacher prefaces the instruction with "you probably already had this, so I'm going to go fast...".
My thoughts: Penny has anxiety. I do think she's done a lovely job transitioning into public school and one would expect her to have a certain level of anxiety. BUT, she is getting stuck and obsessing. I will advocate for the anxiety group for 5th grade, but that doesn't start for some time now. I will always be available to her teacher to help with strategies as well. Dr. F will check in with me tomorrow when she's here and may even have time to meet with Penny to get a sense of needs (she and I talked about Penny after dr Plato's meeting with us).
So, I guess just a heads up for now and let's keep an eye on how she implements the strategies from today's chat."
Random Anxiety of the Day
While driving to school, Baby Bear pipes up from the back seat, in a worried voice.
'Mom? I don't think it is a very good idea they placed those traffic lights at the botoom of this hill.'
Me 'Hmmm?'
Baby Bear 'No! What would happen if you were driving down this hill and cars were stopped and your brakes weren't working???? You would crash into them for sure!'
'Mom? I don't think it is a very good idea they placed those traffic lights at the botoom of this hill.'
Me 'Hmmm?'
Baby Bear 'No! What would happen if you were driving down this hill and cars were stopped and your brakes weren't working???? You would crash into them for sure!'
Friday, November 13, 2009
Zac
Last week, missed Wednesday and Friday.
This week had school on Monday, was dismissed early on Tuesday. Wednesday was a holiday, so no school, but he missed yesterday and today again. His father said panic attack, and that his sleep is all messed up again.
I asked about the lightbox, and no, he still isn't willing to use it. Big surprise :p
Zac and Vincent have been visiting me Thursday afternoons, and it's going reasonably ok. Zac is cursing a lot and didn't feel very stable yesterday, but for now that is the ex's problem. Did I mention the sense of relief which is at least as strong as the other emotions I am going through with this custody crap?
This week had school on Monday, was dismissed early on Tuesday. Wednesday was a holiday, so no school, but he missed yesterday and today again. His father said panic attack, and that his sleep is all messed up again.
I asked about the lightbox, and no, he still isn't willing to use it. Big surprise :p
Zac and Vincent have been visiting me Thursday afternoons, and it's going reasonably ok. Zac is cursing a lot and didn't feel very stable yesterday, but for now that is the ex's problem. Did I mention the sense of relief which is at least as strong as the other emotions I am going through with this custody crap?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
BIG Baby Step
Remember Katie Beckett, Zac's medicaid based on 'severe mental health disability' which pays for all his medical expenses? It is an awesome program, but as with all those programs, there is quite some paperwork involved.
Every year, they want me to send in financial information, which is a pretty simple form, although this year I was late submitting it (I blame life) His Katie Beckett got canceled for a few days before they reinstated it when they received the forms.
This summer, I got a new stack of forms, to redetermine eligibility, which is a LOT more work, and I put it in my desk to take care of soon. But of course, as always, life happened and I hadn't filled out the forms yet, and even LOST the forms because we were moving around so much stuff in the house. So that was one of these things to feel guilty about and I was going to call the office to get replacement forms, but even that hadn't happened.
In October, I got a certified letter from the State and I went 'Uh oh', fearing the worst. But happily it was just a reminder 'Fill this out or ELSE' and a NEW stack of the forms, so that I didn't have to locate my old ones. Woohoo!
They gave me till November 13th to finish it and I worked on it on and off over the last few weeks. Including organizing all Zac's stuff in folders to help me find the copies of the forms I filled out two years ago to help me in filling out the current ones. Some things had changed but a lot of the issues still are the same.
I was done on November 3rd, copied them and realized they asked for a current IEP. Which I copied today and then we drove to the post office and MAILED everything. It feels soooooooooooo good!
Next BIG baby step is getting the 42 forms needed to complete my application for medicaid for the other kids. But for today I am celebrating the completion of the Katie Beckett baby step ^^.
Every year, they want me to send in financial information, which is a pretty simple form, although this year I was late submitting it (I blame life) His Katie Beckett got canceled for a few days before they reinstated it when they received the forms.
This summer, I got a new stack of forms, to redetermine eligibility, which is a LOT more work, and I put it in my desk to take care of soon. But of course, as always, life happened and I hadn't filled out the forms yet, and even LOST the forms because we were moving around so much stuff in the house. So that was one of these things to feel guilty about and I was going to call the office to get replacement forms, but even that hadn't happened.
In October, I got a certified letter from the State and I went 'Uh oh', fearing the worst. But happily it was just a reminder 'Fill this out or ELSE' and a NEW stack of the forms, so that I didn't have to locate my old ones. Woohoo!
They gave me till November 13th to finish it and I worked on it on and off over the last few weeks. Including organizing all Zac's stuff in folders to help me find the copies of the forms I filled out two years ago to help me in filling out the current ones. Some things had changed but a lot of the issues still are the same.
I was done on November 3rd, copied them and realized they asked for a current IEP. Which I copied today and then we drove to the post office and MAILED everything. It feels soooooooooooo good!
Next BIG baby step is getting the 42 forms needed to complete my application for medicaid for the other kids. But for today I am celebrating the completion of the Katie Beckett baby step ^^.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Family Therapist and other Therapists Meeting October
This was meeting with Family Therapist (FT), X and me about visitation schedule for the kids who have been reluctant. The short story is that the boys will visit me for a few hours on Thursday after school, while Dawn will visit him on Friday night for dinner. The meeting started with just the FT, later other kids therapists joined in.
The FT asked whether X had any idea why Zac is so hostile to me. It was very clear to X 'Well, she is trying to get him on a school schedule and she is pushing the autistic program for him and she is constantly trying to control them. Both Vincent and Zac get annoyed at being controlled. They are TEENAGERS! And she is continuously filing lawsuits against him. No wonder he is hostile to her!'
The FT asked whether all Zac's hospitalizations were with X's agreement, or was it just me who felt it was necessary? X said 'Well, she iniated it, but I guess I gave my agreement by not opposing it.' She asked him whether he would be willing to tell Zac that he was supporting these decisions? He was kind of lukewarm about that. I am not holding my breath for it ever happening, but who knows ^^
We talked about Ysa and the FT mentioned that when Ysa and Violet visit he probably should not be doing the computer and whether he had any plans for interacting with them. He thought for a moment and offered 'No problem, we can watch a movie.' I said that maybe they could play cards or a game , but he felt that there would be no games that everyone would like, so that couldn't work. Vincent and Ysa both are fanatical about winning, so playing games with them is hard.
The FT asked whether he had any idea what was going on with Bryan, and he explained it by 'Penny is so pushy and dominating that Bryan withdraws from any conflict with her and now he is oversensitive to hostility.'
It is fascinating to get these glimpses into X's universe.
The good part is that Zac and Vincent came to visit last week for a few hours and will again this week. And Ysa went to visit him on Friday night, although it took me considerable convincing before she went. I have no idea what it was like, she didn't communicate about it. I know she refused to have Violet visit at the same time, which had been the plan, but that was ok with me, since Violet often visits him when the younger ones are visiting anyway.
The FT asked whether X had any idea why Zac is so hostile to me. It was very clear to X 'Well, she is trying to get him on a school schedule and she is pushing the autistic program for him and she is constantly trying to control them. Both Vincent and Zac get annoyed at being controlled. They are TEENAGERS! And she is continuously filing lawsuits against him. No wonder he is hostile to her!'
The FT asked whether all Zac's hospitalizations were with X's agreement, or was it just me who felt it was necessary? X said 'Well, she iniated it, but I guess I gave my agreement by not opposing it.' She asked him whether he would be willing to tell Zac that he was supporting these decisions? He was kind of lukewarm about that. I am not holding my breath for it ever happening, but who knows ^^
We talked about Ysa and the FT mentioned that when Ysa and Violet visit he probably should not be doing the computer and whether he had any plans for interacting with them. He thought for a moment and offered 'No problem, we can watch a movie.' I said that maybe they could play cards or a game , but he felt that there would be no games that everyone would like, so that couldn't work. Vincent and Ysa both are fanatical about winning, so playing games with them is hard.
The FT asked whether he had any idea what was going on with Bryan, and he explained it by 'Penny is so pushy and dominating that Bryan withdraws from any conflict with her and now he is oversensitive to hostility.'
It is fascinating to get these glimpses into X's universe.
The good part is that Zac and Vincent came to visit last week for a few hours and will again this week. And Ysa went to visit him on Friday night, although it took me considerable convincing before she went. I have no idea what it was like, she didn't communicate about it. I know she refused to have Violet visit at the same time, which had been the plan, but that was ok with me, since Violet often visits him when the younger ones are visiting anyway.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Homeschooling 'Funny'
Theme of the week: being behind on everything still and too tired to write anything useful, so just getting a funny for now.
Two school meetings today one for Zac, one for Bryan.
Bryan meeting 'He doesn't initiate conversations with other children, only with adults, but we think that is a function of the homeschooling. Since you were homeschooling him, he only had contact with you and your husband, right?'
There is just sooooo much wrong with that picture that I couldn't even start to address, so I briefly mentioned homeschool group and many other social opportunities, but I doubt that they grok it at all.
Two school meetings today one for Zac, one for Bryan.
Bryan meeting 'He doesn't initiate conversations with other children, only with adults, but we think that is a function of the homeschooling. Since you were homeschooling him, he only had contact with you and your husband, right?'
There is just sooooo much wrong with that picture that I couldn't even start to address, so I briefly mentioned homeschool group and many other social opportunities, but I doubt that they grok it at all.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Woe is Me!
Next week is a totally crazy week with 42 school meetings, parent teacher conferences, tons of other stuff going on. Early releases when I didn't expect early releases, more, more, more. Not to mention that I was supposed to have respite care tomorrow but for circumstances beyond my control that didn't work out and I am a bit bummed about that, because it also complicates my Monday morning Zac school meeting when my respite care provider was going to be there but now isn't.
There has been lots of drama (nothing big, just Kids and Girls Drama) continuously around the house for the last few days and I was feeling just a tad overwhelmed.
This morning, my friend called and asked me to come over to their town tonight for a fun Halloween event and my first inclination was 'No way I can do that.' I have to be a good mom and be home for trick or treating. I have to be a good mom and available for the kids when they come home with candy. I have to be a good mom and cannot just do whatever I feel like, even although I desperately want to go out with my friends. '
I knew the ex was most likely going to drop off Baby Bear and Bryan at my house right after trick or treating and I didn't know yet what Penny's and her friend's plans were and I just KNEW it couldn't work.
My inner child mentally sat down in the corner, feeling morose, going 'Woe is me!' and whining that 'I NEVER get what I want!' and 'It's not fair.' and more of these types of uplifting thoughts.
My more reasonable self observed my inner child doing that and said 'Wait a minute! What about you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you look at it from a more reasonable perspective and maybe we can come up with a solution.'
All this happened during my phone conversation and it was interesting to be on a third level noticing this inner conversation in myself and to help the more reasonable self to find solutions.
And of course there were solutions, like there usually are for any problems, and I decided to ask the ex to keep Baby Bear and Bryan till I would come pick them up after my event and the teens would have a great time at home anyway, didn't quite need (or even WANT) me there and Penny is going to sleep over at her friend's house after trick or treating.
My phone conversation morphed from 'I am sorry but no way' into 'Hmmm, I might be able to pull this off after all'. Now I am looking forward to a fun time with my friends and amused at myself for my silly first reaction.
I suspect there is a life lesson in there somewhere if only I could find it ^^
There has been lots of drama (nothing big, just Kids and Girls Drama) continuously around the house for the last few days and I was feeling just a tad overwhelmed.
This morning, my friend called and asked me to come over to their town tonight for a fun Halloween event and my first inclination was 'No way I can do that.' I have to be a good mom and be home for trick or treating. I have to be a good mom and available for the kids when they come home with candy. I have to be a good mom and cannot just do whatever I feel like, even although I desperately want to go out with my friends. '
I knew the ex was most likely going to drop off Baby Bear and Bryan at my house right after trick or treating and I didn't know yet what Penny's and her friend's plans were and I just KNEW it couldn't work.
My inner child mentally sat down in the corner, feeling morose, going 'Woe is me!' and whining that 'I NEVER get what I want!' and 'It's not fair.' and more of these types of uplifting thoughts.
My more reasonable self observed my inner child doing that and said 'Wait a minute! What about you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you look at it from a more reasonable perspective and maybe we can come up with a solution.'
All this happened during my phone conversation and it was interesting to be on a third level noticing this inner conversation in myself and to help the more reasonable self to find solutions.
And of course there were solutions, like there usually are for any problems, and I decided to ask the ex to keep Baby Bear and Bryan till I would come pick them up after my event and the teens would have a great time at home anyway, didn't quite need (or even WANT) me there and Penny is going to sleep over at her friend's house after trick or treating.
My phone conversation morphed from 'I am sorry but no way' into 'Hmmm, I might be able to pull this off after all'. Now I am looking forward to a fun time with my friends and amused at myself for my silly first reaction.
I suspect there is a life lesson in there somewhere if only I could find it ^^
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Working Memory Skills
It is WAY later at night than I want it to be, so this will be very short blog post about Penny, on whom I got more information in a meeting with dr Plato today. He talked about her working memory and her ability to manipulate items in her short term memory, proven by the fact that she could recite seven random numbers backwards to him. He only had seen one other kid who was able to do that, which frankly scares me since I want 'normal' kids, but I guess that is just a stupid desire since all kids are special anyway.
Although it is wonderful to have one at the 'gifted' end of the spectrum instead of at the 'autistic' end of the spectrum, and I realize that she has a very good problem solving ability and agility of mind which will help her much in her life. She is willing to consider opposing viewpoints, which has not always been possible for my Aspie kids, especially Zac, who considers himself super smart and everyone around him an idiot so will not contemplate ANY input from those retards...
Anyway, I read up on working memory today and found all kinds of interesting tidbits, some of which will help me with my own studying. Meeting dr Plato always gives me useful insights, and websurfing shiny 'memory web sites' gave me lots of good ideas for my own life. One of which is reminding myself how important sleep is, which I am still getting used to after so many years of ignoring the need for sleep. And I was doing a pretty good job at ignoring it too, since I am very good at being stubborn and it was my way of dealing with certain night time issues with the ex which were easier avoided than faced.
Off to bed ^^
Although it is wonderful to have one at the 'gifted' end of the spectrum instead of at the 'autistic' end of the spectrum, and I realize that she has a very good problem solving ability and agility of mind which will help her much in her life. She is willing to consider opposing viewpoints, which has not always been possible for my Aspie kids, especially Zac, who considers himself super smart and everyone around him an idiot so will not contemplate ANY input from those retards...
Anyway, I read up on working memory today and found all kinds of interesting tidbits, some of which will help me with my own studying. Meeting dr Plato always gives me useful insights, and websurfing shiny 'memory web sites' gave me lots of good ideas for my own life. One of which is reminding myself how important sleep is, which I am still getting used to after so many years of ignoring the need for sleep. And I was doing a pretty good job at ignoring it too, since I am very good at being stubborn and it was my way of dealing with certain night time issues with the ex which were easier avoided than faced.
Off to bed ^^
Locked in the Bathroom??? ^^
No idea what is going on, but on my way to pick up Zac and Vincent for short visit and Violet's school calls 'We wonder whether you could come pick up Violet today, since she locked herself in the bathroom and says she is ok but she just needs more time.'
Um...
ok ^^
Off to life, I have tons of things to write and Dr Plato ROCKS
Um...
ok ^^
Off to life, I have tons of things to write and Dr Plato ROCKS
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Well... (Good Penny News)
Definitely no Aspie or autistic tendencies in Penny.
Interesting news: her intelligence is high, she tested in the 130s in all the tests he did apart from processing speed, which only tested at 106. He felt this was mostly due to her being a slow writer since handwriting wasn't something we had focused on in our homeschooling. He expects her to catch up, and see her at the top of her class at the end of this year and would not be surprised if two years from now we will discuss her skipping a grade. Zac and Violet test in the 120s, but he felt she was way more intelligent than they are, with a mind which is very good at making associations. He clearly very much enjoyed working with her all day.
In the morning, when I was still there, he asked her about school and she complained about being bussed on one of the very early buses and being on one of the last buses to leave school at the end of the day. She also talked about how she enjoyed the social time at school with her friends. Dr Plato turned this complaint around very nicely by stating that she was so lucky, that she was on the bus route which got the longest before and after school social time.
He wasn't very worried about the things she is hearing, so I guess I shouldn't worry either. Nice to have a positive neuropsychological evaluation for a change.
Interesting news: her intelligence is high, she tested in the 130s in all the tests he did apart from processing speed, which only tested at 106. He felt this was mostly due to her being a slow writer since handwriting wasn't something we had focused on in our homeschooling. He expects her to catch up, and see her at the top of her class at the end of this year and would not be surprised if two years from now we will discuss her skipping a grade. Zac and Violet test in the 120s, but he felt she was way more intelligent than they are, with a mind which is very good at making associations. He clearly very much enjoyed working with her all day.
In the morning, when I was still there, he asked her about school and she complained about being bussed on one of the very early buses and being on one of the last buses to leave school at the end of the day. She also talked about how she enjoyed the social time at school with her friends. Dr Plato turned this complaint around very nicely by stating that she was so lucky, that she was on the bus route which got the longest before and after school social time.
He wasn't very worried about the things she is hearing, so I guess I shouldn't worry either. Nice to have a positive neuropsychological evaluation for a change.
Zac: No School Today
Zac didn't go to school today and was late for school yesterday.
His father states 'He is not doing well, he has nightmares and can't sleep and that's why he isn't going to school.'
I didn't ask about the lightbox. I think I know the answer, although for the sake of completeness I should ask. I guess it will come up in next Monday's meeting at high school anyway.
His father states 'He is not doing well, he has nightmares and can't sleep and that's why he isn't going to school.'
I didn't ask about the lightbox. I think I know the answer, although for the sake of completeness I should ask. I guess it will come up in next Monday's meeting at high school anyway.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Hole in the Wall
Did I mention that Ysa must have kicked a hole in the wall a few days ago when she had her 'You are not letting me play piano at 10pm? I sooooooo hate you!' temper tantrum? Gah. Just one more thing to deal while trying to get the house ready for sale.
Yes, I am Behind on Everything
Including updating this blog.
The good news is that I found Zac's old Katie Beckett application, which I can use for filling out the forms they send me to do the Katie Beckett review. To find them, I sorted through a big box of Zac papers which now all are in files, organized by date.
The other good news is that Dr Plato is going to do a neuropsych eval on Penny tomorrow. On the one hand I am thrilled he is going to look at her, on the other hand I want to put my head in the sand and not have another 'diagnosed' kid. However ridiculous that sounds, that's the double feeling I am having now.
She still is hearing voices. Sometimes they say her name. She can't figure out whether it's a male or female voice, somewhere in between she thinks. She also hears music 'Partly it is in my head, but also partly out of my head.' She hears our phone when she is at school. She hears her best friend Suzanne here at home when Suzanne is not visiting, but she still can very clearly hear her. She is describing all those experiences very vividly and I think it's good to have a psychologist get deeper into this and help us figure out what is going on.
A 'funny': When I was filling out one of the many forms for Penny's eval, one of them had tons of stuff that I checked off for Zac and Violet, but I always had been happy that 'hears voices' wasn't one of them. You know the old 'Well, they might have issues but at least they aren't hearing voices.' Gah.
I guess now I'll joke 'At least the voices aren't telling her to kill us.' but maybe that is a too dangerous thing to joke about. Humor seems to be my first line of defense, even dark humor.
Let's just hope that the voices have an innocent explanation.
The good news is that I found Zac's old Katie Beckett application, which I can use for filling out the forms they send me to do the Katie Beckett review. To find them, I sorted through a big box of Zac papers which now all are in files, organized by date.
The other good news is that Dr Plato is going to do a neuropsych eval on Penny tomorrow. On the one hand I am thrilled he is going to look at her, on the other hand I want to put my head in the sand and not have another 'diagnosed' kid. However ridiculous that sounds, that's the double feeling I am having now.
She still is hearing voices. Sometimes they say her name. She can't figure out whether it's a male or female voice, somewhere in between she thinks. She also hears music 'Partly it is in my head, but also partly out of my head.' She hears our phone when she is at school. She hears her best friend Suzanne here at home when Suzanne is not visiting, but she still can very clearly hear her. She is describing all those experiences very vividly and I think it's good to have a psychologist get deeper into this and help us figure out what is going on.
A 'funny': When I was filling out one of the many forms for Penny's eval, one of them had tons of stuff that I checked off for Zac and Violet, but I always had been happy that 'hears voices' wasn't one of them. You know the old 'Well, they might have issues but at least they aren't hearing voices.' Gah.
I guess now I'll joke 'At least the voices aren't telling her to kill us.' but maybe that is a too dangerous thing to joke about. Humor seems to be my first line of defense, even dark humor.
Let's just hope that the voices have an innocent explanation.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Interesting Observations about Stupid Papers
Today I am going through Zac's Big Box of Papers, full of school , hospital and medical crap and organizing it into files. One of my friends went through them earlier this year and did a sorting by year which will help, but I am not even at that part of the box yet and surprised how much emotional pain and 'interesting memories' come up, just by looking at the stupid papers.
I hold a flyer of the child psych ward (what time is visiting hours, and other administrative things) and find myself not only remembering the times Zac spent there, but also wondering 'Should I throw this out or will I be hospitalizing other kids there in the future?' Which is a totally stupid and unproductive thought, so it surprised me how strongly it came up in me and how resistant I was to throwing out this paper. I did throw it out though, don't worry.
While I am being stressed and dealing with the emotional issues, at the same time I am able to take a step back and observe myself doing so and recognizing that this might be an inevitable part of my growing up. So I write and drink tea and will go back to sorting papers now ^^
Breathe deeply and stay composed.
I hold a flyer of the child psych ward (what time is visiting hours, and other administrative things) and find myself not only remembering the times Zac spent there, but also wondering 'Should I throw this out or will I be hospitalizing other kids there in the future?' Which is a totally stupid and unproductive thought, so it surprised me how strongly it came up in me and how resistant I was to throwing out this paper. I did throw it out though, don't worry.
While I am being stressed and dealing with the emotional issues, at the same time I am able to take a step back and observe myself doing so and recognizing that this might be an inevitable part of my growing up. So I write and drink tea and will go back to sorting papers now ^^
Breathe deeply and stay composed.
Ysa ...
Last night Ysa yet another rage incident. She had been grumpy when she got out of school, but disappeared to her room after a while. She refused to come down for family dinner though, which frankly was just fine with me.
I took the others to some school function so she was home by herself for a number of hours. When we came back she was downstairs and in a much better mood, having fun with her siblings, and things were good.
Until it was time for people to go upstairs to bed, and about half an hour later Ysa decided to play the piano, and I asked her to please not to, since by now her siblings were trying to sleep and frankly I didn't feel like listening to her one piano song over and over either (although I didn't say that, I just used the sleeping excuse). She got really made and rude at me, which is not unusual, but things escalated when Baby Bear came downstairs.
Baby Bear wanted to start playing the piano too and Ysa very aggressively would move her elbows and knees in Baby Bear's direction, not totally hitting her, but very threatening. When I closed the piano and physically sat on the lid (nice to be heavy enough to frustrate the 13yo trying to open the lid (do you even CALL it a lid anyway, alex???)) Ysa got really mad and started screaming, yelling, hitting the walls, kicking the walls, the whole works.
Oh, it wasn't only the piano, she also was mad that I couldn't find my router and there was no internet (I had taken it to the school function and put it down 'somewhere' when I came back and truly had NO idea) She was mad about that too and told me I KNEW where it was and I was just lying and I was always lying and there was much yelling about that too. But she didn't really explode till the piano incident.
Hmmmmm, if things continue like this she is not going to have a choice about counseling. I had been taking a wait and see approach, but I didn't like at all what I was seeing last night.
I took the others to some school function so she was home by herself for a number of hours. When we came back she was downstairs and in a much better mood, having fun with her siblings, and things were good.
Until it was time for people to go upstairs to bed, and about half an hour later Ysa decided to play the piano, and I asked her to please not to, since by now her siblings were trying to sleep and frankly I didn't feel like listening to her one piano song over and over either (although I didn't say that, I just used the sleeping excuse). She got really made and rude at me, which is not unusual, but things escalated when Baby Bear came downstairs.
Baby Bear wanted to start playing the piano too and Ysa very aggressively would move her elbows and knees in Baby Bear's direction, not totally hitting her, but very threatening. When I closed the piano and physically sat on the lid (nice to be heavy enough to frustrate the 13yo trying to open the lid (do you even CALL it a lid anyway, alex???)) Ysa got really mad and started screaming, yelling, hitting the walls, kicking the walls, the whole works.
Oh, it wasn't only the piano, she also was mad that I couldn't find my router and there was no internet (I had taken it to the school function and put it down 'somewhere' when I came back and truly had NO idea) She was mad about that too and told me I KNEW where it was and I was just lying and I was always lying and there was much yelling about that too. But she didn't really explode till the piano incident.
Hmmmmm, if things continue like this she is not going to have a choice about counseling. I had been taking a wait and see approach, but I didn't like at all what I was seeing last night.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Baby Bear
I have been noticing that every day Baby Bear runs into the house after her afternoon kindergarten, drops her backpack and runs to the bathroom.
Today I decided to ask about it.
Baby Bear 'I don't want to use the bathroom at school, I am SCARED!'
I tried to figure out what she is scared of, but I wasn't able to get her to verbalize it. I know at home she likes to keep the bathroom door open and gets all freaked out when Bryan closes it.
Hmmmm, not worried, but monitoring and will give her teacher and guidance counselor a heads up.
Today I decided to ask about it.
Baby Bear 'I don't want to use the bathroom at school, I am SCARED!'
I tried to figure out what she is scared of, but I wasn't able to get her to verbalize it. I know at home she likes to keep the bathroom door open and gets all freaked out when Bryan closes it.
Hmmmm, not worried, but monitoring and will give her teacher and guidance counselor a heads up.
Zac Attendance and Light Box Update
Last Thursday had a hard time at school and was dismissed early (by the school).
Friday made it to school.
This week Monday and Tuesday Zac made it to school.
Today didn't make it.
His father 'Zac was depressed and didn't want to go to school.'
Me 'Oh, too bad, did he talk at all about why not?'
X 'No, he said he was worried, but didn't want to tell what he was worried about.'
Me 'Did he sleep?'
X 'Yes' (although I know I talked to Vincent on the computer at 11pm, so I know there were still at least some computers on then, but not important enough to get into that now)
Me 'Ah. What is he doing now?' (very well knowing that Zac is home and the ex is at work, but hoping that eventually the ex will agree to having some kind of backup plan for when Zac is 'worried and depressed' and is home alone all day)
X 'I don't know. Sleeping I think.'
Me 'I see. Well, let's hope he makes it to school tomorrow.'
X took the lightbox on Friday. I gave him the instructions from the doctor, basically every morning, same time every day, sit in front of it for 20 minutes. Best with eyes open (I had it located right next to the computer) but can be used with eyes closed if eyes open don't work. (Next to his bed maybe?)
Monday I asked about how things were going. X 'Zac hasn't been wanting to use it yet. I don't want to push him, I just want him to encourage him so that he decides on his own to use it.' Good luck! Zac seems Very Determined not to use it but will be interesting to see X try.
Today I asked about the lightbox again. 'No, he still doesn't want to use it?'
Me 'Maybe you can try putting it next to his bed, closed eyes is better than no lightbox at all.'
X 'No, he will just put his head under the blankets and it won't work anyway.'
Ok ^^ I doubt that Zac is going to agree to the lightbox at any time, but at least the lightbox is there now and he has the option. And it is one less thing in my house ^^
Friday made it to school.
This week Monday and Tuesday Zac made it to school.
Today didn't make it.
His father 'Zac was depressed and didn't want to go to school.'
Me 'Oh, too bad, did he talk at all about why not?'
X 'No, he said he was worried, but didn't want to tell what he was worried about.'
Me 'Did he sleep?'
X 'Yes' (although I know I talked to Vincent on the computer at 11pm, so I know there were still at least some computers on then, but not important enough to get into that now)
Me 'Ah. What is he doing now?' (very well knowing that Zac is home and the ex is at work, but hoping that eventually the ex will agree to having some kind of backup plan for when Zac is 'worried and depressed' and is home alone all day)
X 'I don't know. Sleeping I think.'
Me 'I see. Well, let's hope he makes it to school tomorrow.'
X took the lightbox on Friday. I gave him the instructions from the doctor, basically every morning, same time every day, sit in front of it for 20 minutes. Best with eyes open (I had it located right next to the computer) but can be used with eyes closed if eyes open don't work. (Next to his bed maybe?)
Monday I asked about how things were going. X 'Zac hasn't been wanting to use it yet. I don't want to push him, I just want him to encourage him so that he decides on his own to use it.' Good luck! Zac seems Very Determined not to use it but will be interesting to see X try.
Today I asked about the lightbox again. 'No, he still doesn't want to use it?'
Me 'Maybe you can try putting it next to his bed, closed eyes is better than no lightbox at all.'
X 'No, he will just put his head under the blankets and it won't work anyway.'
Ok ^^ I doubt that Zac is going to agree to the lightbox at any time, but at least the lightbox is there now and he has the option. And it is one less thing in my house ^^
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Zac School Meeting
Last week we had yet another meeting at school for Zac. My dissatisfaction with the current placement was put on the table, which got translated by Zac into 'My mom wants to send me to retard school! All the windows are dirty because of the retards licking the windows the whole time!' Zac has been refusing to visit the local program. X also has not visited the local program, even if the team asked him during the last meeting to do so. Both have a totally wrong perception of the program of course, but one can only help people who are open to some kind of help.
The good news is that dr Plato is part of the team now, he will see Zac once a month. Dr Plato is a formidable psychologist and will have very valuable input. I feel that this is the best thing which could have happened to Zac in the current placement.
We talked about the light box and melatonin and proposed Zac starts using them again. Zac flatly refused. Someone asked him 'Why are you against all those suggestions we are making to help you?' He replied 'Because my mother wants me to and she is a control freak.' They reiterated that these suggestions are made by medical people, not by his mom, but he was still being oppositional. This is where the X jumped in, said something about 'Here we are trying to do what is best for you. We can talk in private about strategies to annoy your mother.'
Robin, Zac's high school case manager, told us about the list of five requirements of getting into college which Dr Plato had given to Zac. Zac got upset and didn't want to hear. He told her she could just show them to people on paper, he did not want her to read them out load. At all. He very ostentatiously put his fingers in his ears during this whole part of the meeting.
The world studies class we (including Zac) agreed on last time didn't work out. Zac refused to go and made it clear to them that he 'had missed too much already anyway, so would NEVER be able to catch up.' This means that Zac is not in any mainstream classes now, although he sometimes attends advisory. Zac's take on advisory 'It's ok, sometimes you get candy.' Can we say emotional age being lower than chronological age?
The rest of the day he spends in the resource room with different people. Which he doesn't like. But he also isn't willing to do anything else, so whatever.
We talked about his difficulties falling asleep and about his anxieties. This somehow led to Zac saying that he thought that what he said to dr Hildegaard was private, and should not be shared with anyone. Dr Hildegaard agreed, but said the exception was if there was danger to him or to others. Zac said 'FINE! SHARE it but NOT with my mom! I don't want her to know!' Dr Hildegaard calmly explained that he would have to tell me too, to which Zac replied 'OK, I'll just let my thoughts rot in there then until eventually I do it!' He added 'I will end up a mass murderer.'
Zac will work on social thinking once a week with a speech therapist. He will see dr Plato once a month. The school summarized the current program as 'Zac will have a very unique program instead of SAP (the program for autistic kids).
Dr Hildegaard noted that 'Not only the schol has to change, Zac really has to change his commitment to coming to school.' He also noted something about not only thinking about college as a goal, but also keep independent living in mind.
Zac is supposed to use the lightbox now, and by now the lightbox has moved to X's house and we'll see what happens.
After the meeting Robin (case manager) had a private chat with Zac's psychiatrist and me and expressed her concerns about the 'I will just become a mass murderer!' statement. The psychiatrist confirmed this was concerning and to call the therapy center any time he made statements like that. She also said that she had increased his prozac and he was still on geodon, to help him with his anxieties and his psychotic thinking. They asked X whether Zac ever said things like that at home and X said 'No, not really. Only when I try to make him do something, like going to school.'
Throughout the whole meeting Zac was rude to me, I clearly am the enemy at the moment. I am just happy that dr Plato got involved and that the school seems to be giving him more support for social thinking skills and such, even if they are not willing to pursue other placements. Which would be hard now anyway, since during this meeting Zac's father stated that he does NOT agree with any other placement. The more this develops in the current direction, the happier I am to have made the decision to give up custody to Zac's dad, since I am not confident about long term (and even short term) good outcomes without major interventions.
The good news is that dr Plato is part of the team now, he will see Zac once a month. Dr Plato is a formidable psychologist and will have very valuable input. I feel that this is the best thing which could have happened to Zac in the current placement.
We talked about the light box and melatonin and proposed Zac starts using them again. Zac flatly refused. Someone asked him 'Why are you against all those suggestions we are making to help you?' He replied 'Because my mother wants me to and she is a control freak.' They reiterated that these suggestions are made by medical people, not by his mom, but he was still being oppositional. This is where the X jumped in, said something about 'Here we are trying to do what is best for you. We can talk in private about strategies to annoy your mother.'
Robin, Zac's high school case manager, told us about the list of five requirements of getting into college which Dr Plato had given to Zac. Zac got upset and didn't want to hear. He told her she could just show them to people on paper, he did not want her to read them out load. At all. He very ostentatiously put his fingers in his ears during this whole part of the meeting.
The world studies class we (including Zac) agreed on last time didn't work out. Zac refused to go and made it clear to them that he 'had missed too much already anyway, so would NEVER be able to catch up.' This means that Zac is not in any mainstream classes now, although he sometimes attends advisory. Zac's take on advisory 'It's ok, sometimes you get candy.' Can we say emotional age being lower than chronological age?
The rest of the day he spends in the resource room with different people. Which he doesn't like. But he also isn't willing to do anything else, so whatever.
We talked about his difficulties falling asleep and about his anxieties. This somehow led to Zac saying that he thought that what he said to dr Hildegaard was private, and should not be shared with anyone. Dr Hildegaard agreed, but said the exception was if there was danger to him or to others. Zac said 'FINE! SHARE it but NOT with my mom! I don't want her to know!' Dr Hildegaard calmly explained that he would have to tell me too, to which Zac replied 'OK, I'll just let my thoughts rot in there then until eventually I do it!' He added 'I will end up a mass murderer.'
Zac will work on social thinking once a week with a speech therapist. He will see dr Plato once a month. The school summarized the current program as 'Zac will have a very unique program instead of SAP (the program for autistic kids).
Dr Hildegaard noted that 'Not only the schol has to change, Zac really has to change his commitment to coming to school.' He also noted something about not only thinking about college as a goal, but also keep independent living in mind.
Zac is supposed to use the lightbox now, and by now the lightbox has moved to X's house and we'll see what happens.
After the meeting Robin (case manager) had a private chat with Zac's psychiatrist and me and expressed her concerns about the 'I will just become a mass murderer!' statement. The psychiatrist confirmed this was concerning and to call the therapy center any time he made statements like that. She also said that she had increased his prozac and he was still on geodon, to help him with his anxieties and his psychotic thinking. They asked X whether Zac ever said things like that at home and X said 'No, not really. Only when I try to make him do something, like going to school.'
Throughout the whole meeting Zac was rude to me, I clearly am the enemy at the moment. I am just happy that dr Plato got involved and that the school seems to be giving him more support for social thinking skills and such, even if they are not willing to pursue other placements. Which would be hard now anyway, since during this meeting Zac's father stated that he does NOT agree with any other placement. The more this develops in the current direction, the happier I am to have made the decision to give up custody to Zac's dad, since I am not confident about long term (and even short term) good outcomes without major interventions.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Proud at Ysa
Last night there was a dance at the junior high school. Ysa had been doubtful about it 'I don't think I want to go. It would be so much more fun to go with someone else. And I don't know what to wear.' Many reasons not to go.
But on Friday she came home and had changed her mind 'I will go, almost everyone is going.' I still could tell that she was a bit anxious about it, but she clearly was willing to work past her inhibitions and jump into this new social happening. When I dropped her off, there still was some hesitation in her.
I was very happy to pick her up two hours later and she was all bubbly and happy 'I had such a good time! I just walked around for like ten minutes and then more and more people started dancing and I joined in and it was really cool. I am tired now, but I am also feeling very energetic'
I am so glad and proud that she managed to overcome her 'I don't really want to go' feelings, went and had a wonderful time! Very encouraging.
But on Friday she came home and had changed her mind 'I will go, almost everyone is going.' I still could tell that she was a bit anxious about it, but she clearly was willing to work past her inhibitions and jump into this new social happening. When I dropped her off, there still was some hesitation in her.
I was very happy to pick her up two hours later and she was all bubbly and happy 'I had such a good time! I just walked around for like ten minutes and then more and more people started dancing and I joined in and it was really cool. I am tired now, but I am also feeling very energetic'
I am so glad and proud that she managed to overcome her 'I don't really want to go' feelings, went and had a wonderful time! Very encouraging.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Meeting with Dr Plato
Dr Plato pointed out a lot of differences between Zac and me.
I agreed with his assessment on those differences and he moved on to the fact that Zac moving out of the house into X's house benefits the other kids, which in a roundabout way benefits Zac again. Which made me feel less guilty for 'abandoning' Zac, which I know is a nonsense concept anyway.
He did mention Zac's hostility against me and he verbalized it as in 'It is almost like Zac divorced you after you and X got divorced.' He also did mention that he felt that X's mind and Zac's mind are much closer than Zac's mind and my mind. He told me he was going to meet with X too and said 'I can't wait to meet him and see whether I am right.'
Interesting comment about my marriage 'Frankly, I don't even understand how you two lasted this long together, you are so different.' I told him that it was my determination to make the marriage work which made it last this long. I wasn't going to have a divorce.
He felt that with Zac's low energy, he would be able to do a lot less in a day than a 'typical kid' could tolerate. Maybe community college at night and school starting later during the day. A lot of Zac's energy is used on anger and anxiety.
Dr Plato had met with Zac already and heard Zac's view on his future, which dr Plato described as grandiose. To probe Zac's commitment to going to college and getting friends (two goals Zac stated to him) dr Plato described to Zac what he would need to get into college and to get scholarships.
Dr Plato gave him this list so that Zac can think about these and start working on accomplishing them if he does want to go to college. He said that Zac seemed stressed about it, both during the meeting and his teachers later commented on a higher level of stress in him.
Yesterday during the school meeting Zac TOTALLY refused to discuss any of those points. He was rude and said he didn't want to hear it. When the vice principal put a stop to the rudeness, he put his fingers in his ears so that he didn't have to listen to his case manager reading these 'steps to college' to the group. Halfway he took his fingers from his ears, asked 'Are you done yet?!' and put them back in when she said 'No, not yet.' Good example showing his 'problem avoidance' behaviour'.
Anyway, I suspect Dr Plato got involved thanks to my letter to school asking for different placement. I am thrilled to have him on Zac's team. In this meeting he still was at 'information gathering mode' and he was going to talk to the ex, Zac's therapist, Zac's teachers and everyone involved and then will give his recommendations.
He doubts that Zac will be able to live independently given the limitations of his mind. He already gave me a preview of that concept last year, so it did not come as a total shock, although it is a problem I would rather avoid. I quote from a meeting last year "The psychologist also mentioned that he would most likely live at home for many many years to come. Yesterday so many dreams of 'normalcy' were shattered for me. It is not like I didn't know that things were very bad, but somehow yesterday made it hit home harder than it had before."
The dreams already were shattered and now it's time to look at the reality and try to help Zac live up to his highest potential. The good thing is that the ex wants custody and he will be the one who will have to deal with a grownup Zac if he indeed isn't able to live on his own. Maybe it's the best outcome for both and that would be just fine.
- Zac is detail oriented. I am more a Gestalt thinker, more big picture oriented.
- Zac's reaction to a problem is to avoid it. He doesn't have very good problem solving ablities. My reaction to a problem is solving it and I am good at that.
- Zac is very low energy. I am high energy.
- Zac has a very narrow range of interests. I have a very wide range of interests.
- Zac's gives up very easily if there is any obstacle in his way. I am very determined to get where I want regardless of obstacles.
I agreed with his assessment on those differences and he moved on to the fact that Zac moving out of the house into X's house benefits the other kids, which in a roundabout way benefits Zac again. Which made me feel less guilty for 'abandoning' Zac, which I know is a nonsense concept anyway.
He did mention Zac's hostility against me and he verbalized it as in 'It is almost like Zac divorced you after you and X got divorced.' He also did mention that he felt that X's mind and Zac's mind are much closer than Zac's mind and my mind. He told me he was going to meet with X too and said 'I can't wait to meet him and see whether I am right.'
Interesting comment about my marriage 'Frankly, I don't even understand how you two lasted this long together, you are so different.' I told him that it was my determination to make the marriage work which made it last this long. I wasn't going to have a divorce.
He felt that with Zac's low energy, he would be able to do a lot less in a day than a 'typical kid' could tolerate. Maybe community college at night and school starting later during the day. A lot of Zac's energy is used on anger and anxiety.
Dr Plato had met with Zac already and heard Zac's view on his future, which dr Plato described as grandiose. To probe Zac's commitment to going to college and getting friends (two goals Zac stated to him) dr Plato described to Zac what he would need to get into college and to get scholarships.
- A good GPA. Zac immediately said that his GPA sucked, but dr Plato pointed out he could increase it over the next two years and that colleges do give weight to the fact that it improved during the high school years.
- Good SAT Scores. Which can be improved by taking a course.
- A personal statement not only showing that you are intelligent, since 'everyone' who goes to college is intelligent. It should show your leadership abilities, it should show a passion.
- Two letters of recommendation.
- Extracurricular activities.
Dr Plato gave him this list so that Zac can think about these and start working on accomplishing them if he does want to go to college. He said that Zac seemed stressed about it, both during the meeting and his teachers later commented on a higher level of stress in him.
Yesterday during the school meeting Zac TOTALLY refused to discuss any of those points. He was rude and said he didn't want to hear it. When the vice principal put a stop to the rudeness, he put his fingers in his ears so that he didn't have to listen to his case manager reading these 'steps to college' to the group. Halfway he took his fingers from his ears, asked 'Are you done yet?!' and put them back in when she said 'No, not yet.' Good example showing his 'problem avoidance' behaviour'.
Anyway, I suspect Dr Plato got involved thanks to my letter to school asking for different placement. I am thrilled to have him on Zac's team. In this meeting he still was at 'information gathering mode' and he was going to talk to the ex, Zac's therapist, Zac's teachers and everyone involved and then will give his recommendations.
He doubts that Zac will be able to live independently given the limitations of his mind. He already gave me a preview of that concept last year, so it did not come as a total shock, although it is a problem I would rather avoid. I quote from a meeting last year "The psychologist also mentioned that he would most likely live at home for many many years to come. Yesterday so many dreams of 'normalcy' were shattered for me. It is not like I didn't know that things were very bad, but somehow yesterday made it hit home harder than it had before."
The dreams already were shattered and now it's time to look at the reality and try to help Zac live up to his highest potential. The good thing is that the ex wants custody and he will be the one who will have to deal with a grownup Zac if he indeed isn't able to live on his own. Maybe it's the best outcome for both and that would be just fine.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Fully Functioning Adult
Monday night, I got a phone call from our local Big Wig psychologist, Dr Plato. He told me 'I talked to Zac and I would like to meet with you to talk about him. Could you meet me in my office at 10am tomorrow morning?' That was easy of course. I mentally checked my morning, knew there were no appointments, knew that I just had to find someone to watch Baby Bear, but that shouldn't be too hard. And I was really
curious to hear what he had been talking about with Zac and how he felt Zac was doing. Every time I talk to him, I come home with valuable insights in Zac, myself and our family situation, so I jumped at the chance of meeting with him.
There were many fascinating aspects to the conversation which will morph into posts once I have verbalized them more clearly, but for now I am posting about one specific aspect of the meeting.
Early in the meeting, he asked me 'So what do you want for Zac? What is your vision for his future?' That was easy. I use the words all the time, so I replied 'Well, I want him to be a fully functioning adult. Being able to hold down a job. Have friends.'
Sounds good, doesn't it? Only instead of just noting it and going on with the discussion, Dr Plato challenged me. 'Hmmm, a fully functioning adult. How would you define that?' and I realized that I never had. I never sat down and thought about what EXACTLY I wanted for Zac beyond the easy term 'fully functioning adult.' I mean, I know that I want him to be happy and successful and wonderful and fullfilled and surrounded by wonderful people, but all those are vague terms and I
never verbalized closer beyond those vague dreams and hopes which aren't very realistic in the first place. I have been bogged down into details and into crisis management too much and haven't looked at the big picture as I should.
I bought myself some time with 'That is a good question' and after some reflection did a reasonable job of specifying more by saying 'Someone who does things which bring him pleasure and satisfaction. Someone who is able to maintain his own household, hold down a job. Someone who has friends.' It was amazing how hard it was on the spot to come up with the right words and concepts. While I was talking I was thinking 'Are friends necessary for being fully functional? I think not, but they are helpful.'
I have been thinking about it since and been talking to friends and briefly touched on it when I saw our family therapist. My friends had a bunch of additions, and also talked about basic biological needs (food, shelter, sex???? ^^)
I pondered 'Is happiness a part of being a fully functioning adult?' and have decided that it is not. I know people who are not happy, but fully function in society and in their own life. Who are angry and unhappy. But could I call them not functional? Not really.
Is a fully functioning adult an 'ideal' fully functioning adult or can we just
be 'good enough' fully functioning adults or even barely functioning adults? Of course good enough seems just fine. Looking back and after hearing feedback, I might have list of goals (maintain a place to live, buy / cook food, find / keep a job, pay bills, do laundry, etc) instead of a catch-all phrase of fully functioning adult.
A list of independent living skills to master would be helpful for the transition into adulthood. The life skills most of us learn on our own, just by watching other people or figuring it out, but which might not come as easily to people with Aspergers unless they get help acquiring them.
curious to hear what he had been talking about with Zac and how he felt Zac was doing. Every time I talk to him, I come home with valuable insights in Zac, myself and our family situation, so I jumped at the chance of meeting with him.
There were many fascinating aspects to the conversation which will morph into posts once I have verbalized them more clearly, but for now I am posting about one specific aspect of the meeting.
Early in the meeting, he asked me 'So what do you want for Zac? What is your vision for his future?' That was easy. I use the words all the time, so I replied 'Well, I want him to be a fully functioning adult. Being able to hold down a job. Have friends.'
Sounds good, doesn't it? Only instead of just noting it and going on with the discussion, Dr Plato challenged me. 'Hmmm, a fully functioning adult. How would you define that?' and I realized that I never had. I never sat down and thought about what EXACTLY I wanted for Zac beyond the easy term 'fully functioning adult.' I mean, I know that I want him to be happy and successful and wonderful and fullfilled and surrounded by wonderful people, but all those are vague terms and I
never verbalized closer beyond those vague dreams and hopes which aren't very realistic in the first place. I have been bogged down into details and into crisis management too much and haven't looked at the big picture as I should.
I bought myself some time with 'That is a good question' and after some reflection did a reasonable job of specifying more by saying 'Someone who does things which bring him pleasure and satisfaction. Someone who is able to maintain his own household, hold down a job. Someone who has friends.' It was amazing how hard it was on the spot to come up with the right words and concepts. While I was talking I was thinking 'Are friends necessary for being fully functional? I think not, but they are helpful.'
I have been thinking about it since and been talking to friends and briefly touched on it when I saw our family therapist. My friends had a bunch of additions, and also talked about basic biological needs (food, shelter, sex???? ^^)
I pondered 'Is happiness a part of being a fully functioning adult?' and have decided that it is not. I know people who are not happy, but fully function in society and in their own life. Who are angry and unhappy. But could I call them not functional? Not really.
Is a fully functioning adult an 'ideal' fully functioning adult or can we just
be 'good enough' fully functioning adults or even barely functioning adults? Of course good enough seems just fine. Looking back and after hearing feedback, I might have list of goals (maintain a place to live, buy / cook food, find / keep a job, pay bills, do laundry, etc) instead of a catch-all phrase of fully functioning adult.
A list of independent living skills to master would be helpful for the transition into adulthood. The life skills most of us learn on our own, just by watching other people or figuring it out, but which might not come as easily to people with Aspergers unless they get help acquiring them.
Teen Girl Funny
Yesterday, Violet wasn't feeling well and ended up staying home from school with a stomach ache. When Ysa came home from school and found out about it, she was Very Pissed. 'VIOLET isn't sick! She is just pretending! She just went to sleep late! *I* have been sick through yesterday and today. *I* have a sore throat! *I* am sniffling! *I* am really sick! If she isn't going to school tomorrow, *I* am not going to school either!' Rinse and repeat a bunch of times.
I calmly suggested 'If you are not feeling well, what about you go to bed and take a nice nap.' She looked at me with that look that has been perfected by teen girls all over the world and said disdainfully 'No! That would ruin my MAKEUP!'
I calmly suggested 'If you are not feeling well, what about you go to bed and take a nice nap.' She looked at me with that look that has been perfected by teen girls all over the world and said disdainfully 'No! That would ruin my MAKEUP!'
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Zac School
Zac made it to school on Monday. Not on Tuesday. The ex's theory 'He was couldn't fall asleep because he was so worried about making it to school in time.' Yeah, whatever.
Decision: Made
After much soul searching and tons of talking and shitloads of going around in vicious circles, I made my decision. Or maybe I made it a few weeks ago, when I came home from my lawyer and was sitting in my car with my friend and verbalized the hard truth about maybe this fight not being worth it. Not leading to anything good. And costing a darned lot of money and energy which could be used much better in other ways. Still it took me a while to look at it from many different angles, throw it in the group, verbalize pros and cons and play devil's advocate with myself.
But there is much clarity to me that this is the decision which will benefit the highest number of people, including Zac. I am not going to fight this physical custody fight about the boys. If he wants it, he can have it, and realize he might have had to be more careful about what he prayed for, because it has been given to him.
Thanks all for the feedback. All of you have contributed to greater understanding of the situation and have helped me make the right decision. And I find myself almost more relieved than sad. There is mourning and sadness, but there also is a HUGE sigh of relief. A sigh which almost makes me feel guilty, but which also confirms that this is the right decision for me.
I still will have shared legal custody, but I won't have to deal with the physical crap of getting him up in the morning. Or getting him to sleep at night. I don't have to be super vigilant about him and Bryan at my house. I don't have to deal with passive aggressive and outright aggressive behavior and talk. I will still be involved in his life and work on my relationship with him, but the ex can have the day to day struggles and choke on them, I mean, deal with them. Yes, there still is a bit of resentment, but it is much tempered by humor and relief.
I still want my child support money though, but that is a different fight and most likely much easier to win than the custody one. And if I lose... the perspective of 'I would happily have paid $850 per month for someone to have gotten rid of my teenagers' from someone who has a twenty-something kid in severe trouble (started in his teens) is interesting to say the least. And thought provoking.
I feel tons lighter and will work on 5,000 other things now.
But there is much clarity to me that this is the decision which will benefit the highest number of people, including Zac. I am not going to fight this physical custody fight about the boys. If he wants it, he can have it, and realize he might have had to be more careful about what he prayed for, because it has been given to him.
Thanks all for the feedback. All of you have contributed to greater understanding of the situation and have helped me make the right decision. And I find myself almost more relieved than sad. There is mourning and sadness, but there also is a HUGE sigh of relief. A sigh which almost makes me feel guilty, but which also confirms that this is the right decision for me.
I still will have shared legal custody, but I won't have to deal with the physical crap of getting him up in the morning. Or getting him to sleep at night. I don't have to be super vigilant about him and Bryan at my house. I don't have to deal with passive aggressive and outright aggressive behavior and talk. I will still be involved in his life and work on my relationship with him, but the ex can have the day to day struggles and choke on them, I mean, deal with them. Yes, there still is a bit of resentment, but it is much tempered by humor and relief.
I still want my child support money though, but that is a different fight and most likely much easier to win than the custody one. And if I lose... the perspective of 'I would happily have paid $850 per month for someone to have gotten rid of my teenagers' from someone who has a twenty-something kid in severe trouble (started in his teens) is interesting to say the least. And thought provoking.
I feel tons lighter and will work on 5,000 other things now.
Friday, October 9, 2009
It is the College Classes
Talked to the ex 'Zac doesn't come home from community college till 9pm on Thursday night and that is why he couldn't get up today.' I see... So maybe signing him up for these classes while he was adjusting to the new school schedule wasn't the brightest thing to do, was it. Don't worry, I didn't say that, I just thought it.
And again he can only have a few young ones at a time to protect Zac and it is such a relief that it's not my problem this weekend, since I have a good baby sitter here and when they are gone, they will be gone and when they are not, they'll have a wonderful time with the babysitter. Not to mention that Penny is going to stay over at a friend's house and I am just going to go AWAY from it all for a few days!
Respite care ROCKS!
And again he can only have a few young ones at a time to protect Zac and it is such a relief that it's not my problem this weekend, since I have a good baby sitter here and when they are gone, they will be gone and when they are not, they'll have a wonderful time with the babysitter. Not to mention that Penny is going to stay over at a friend's house and I am just going to go AWAY from it all for a few days!
Respite care ROCKS!
And Yet Another Day of Truancy
Attendance officer called: 'Zac isn't in today. His dad said he couldn't get him out of bed.'
I have tried calling the ex, but no answer at work or at home. Maybe will find out more later, but it seems harder and harder for him to state that things are going so well, but then I am shifting my fight anyway I think towards residential / local day program, so who knows.
For now I am going to pack clean underwear and go away for the weekend to have some breathing space and time. I love respite care!
I have tried calling the ex, but no answer at work or at home. Maybe will find out more later, but it seems harder and harder for him to state that things are going so well, but then I am shifting my fight anyway I think towards residential / local day program, so who knows.
For now I am going to pack clean underwear and go away for the weekend to have some breathing space and time. I love respite care!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
School meeting Zac
This was a few weeks ago, but I never got around to posting about it.
Attendants: Dad, Zac's case manager at school, Zac's case manager from counseling center, Zac, Dr Hildegaard school psychologist, my parent advocate, the assistant principal and me.
The assistant principal asked Zac how things were going and he stated 'Good! Now can I go?'
She replied that she felt things weren't going so well 'Geography was not working for him and attendance was bumpy.'
We decided to drop geography and do world studies instead. Of course there were complications because that was the period he used to do English, so the plan was World Studies in class room and English in resource room. Those are the only two subjects left. They also will help him with homework for school and community college in the resource room during the other hours. His schedule now is pickup at 9am, school till 1:30pm. One of those periods is in mainstream class room, the rest in resource room.
She offered him an art class as an other option, but 'he doesn't feel like art.'
Dr Hildegaard said it was positive that Zac eats lunch in the cafetaria with his brother Vincent.
His high school case manager offered that she felt it was important for him to be in at least one class room with other kids, because historically he did well in situations like that. He grudgingly agreed to try world studies (note from the future: from his online info it looks like they dropped world studies now, so he would not be in any main stream class rooms anymore). The world studies class room is a small one, with less than 10 students.
If he comes in late, he now is required to stay till 3:30 (Another interesting note from the future, he hasn't been late since, although he has missed a number of full days)
After Zac left, my parent advocate brought up the SAP program and I brought up my concern about his mental health. The plan is that Zac's father is going to visit the program (hasn't happened yet as far as I know) and that the school psychologist will work on talking to Zac about it so he also will be willing to visit. I don't have much confidence in either, but we will see. I feel it is the best local program for him, but I also don't think his dad and Zac will agree. His dad will say 'Oh no, Zac is doing so well!' and Zac will say 'I don't feel like it.' But that is negative thinking, I am going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Today I am sending out a letter to school to request alternative placement (which means SAP or residential) Next week we have a meeting about all this. I know I am giving this my best effort, let's hope it is going to be enough.
Attendants: Dad, Zac's case manager at school, Zac's case manager from counseling center, Zac, Dr Hildegaard school psychologist, my parent advocate, the assistant principal and me.
The assistant principal asked Zac how things were going and he stated 'Good! Now can I go?'
She replied that she felt things weren't going so well 'Geography was not working for him and attendance was bumpy.'
We decided to drop geography and do world studies instead. Of course there were complications because that was the period he used to do English, so the plan was World Studies in class room and English in resource room. Those are the only two subjects left. They also will help him with homework for school and community college in the resource room during the other hours. His schedule now is pickup at 9am, school till 1:30pm. One of those periods is in mainstream class room, the rest in resource room.
She offered him an art class as an other option, but 'he doesn't feel like art.'
Dr Hildegaard said it was positive that Zac eats lunch in the cafetaria with his brother Vincent.
His high school case manager offered that she felt it was important for him to be in at least one class room with other kids, because historically he did well in situations like that. He grudgingly agreed to try world studies (note from the future: from his online info it looks like they dropped world studies now, so he would not be in any main stream class rooms anymore). The world studies class room is a small one, with less than 10 students.
If he comes in late, he now is required to stay till 3:30 (Another interesting note from the future, he hasn't been late since, although he has missed a number of full days)
After Zac left, my parent advocate brought up the SAP program and I brought up my concern about his mental health. The plan is that Zac's father is going to visit the program (hasn't happened yet as far as I know) and that the school psychologist will work on talking to Zac about it so he also will be willing to visit. I don't have much confidence in either, but we will see. I feel it is the best local program for him, but I also don't think his dad and Zac will agree. His dad will say 'Oh no, Zac is doing so well!' and Zac will say 'I don't feel like it.' But that is negative thinking, I am going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Today I am sending out a letter to school to request alternative placement (which means SAP or residential) Next week we have a meeting about all this. I know I am giving this my best effort, let's hope it is going to be enough.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Zac
Me, not wanting to call the ex, but knowing I have to 'How did the boys do today?'
X 'Vincent made it to school just fine, but Zac is home.'
Me 'Oh? How come?'
X 'He was too stressed from court and I think that it was hard because he had class at the community college last night.'
Me 'I see. So what is he doing now?'
X 'Oh, I don't know, relaxing I think. I am sure he will feel better tomorrow and go to school again.'
Me, in my mind 'ARGH!!!' while politely ending the call.
The school has it marked as an excused absense, so working on getting it changed to an unexcused one, since that will be better long term if I decide to pursue CHINS again and for a bunch of other reasons. Including the vice principal telling him and X that every absence from now on will be unexcused.
Two more things wrong with this picture:
1. How does ZAC get stressed out from court if the ex is the one who was in it???? I know none of the kids at my house is very closely aware of my court schedules, it seems more than they should be expected to handle. The court date was during Zac's school hours, so I dont' know why the ex even told. I guess one of my kids was aware because I had to get a baby sitter for Baby Bear, but I made it a matter-of-fact 'today M will come to take care of you' and no big 'Your mom has to go to court and it is sooooooo stressful and it is all because of your dad!' and yes, I am frustrated still :p
2. X unilaterally signed up Zac for the night time community college courses, even although I felt that it would be better to get used to the new school daytime schedule first. And now it's being used as an excuse not to go to school????!!!!
Anyway, another day missed and another day the ex for sure will say 'Zac is doing so well!'
X 'Vincent made it to school just fine, but Zac is home.'
Me 'Oh? How come?'
X 'He was too stressed from court and I think that it was hard because he had class at the community college last night.'
Me 'I see. So what is he doing now?'
X 'Oh, I don't know, relaxing I think. I am sure he will feel better tomorrow and go to school again.'
Me, in my mind 'ARGH!!!' while politely ending the call.
The school has it marked as an excused absense, so working on getting it changed to an unexcused one, since that will be better long term if I decide to pursue CHINS again and for a bunch of other reasons. Including the vice principal telling him and X that every absence from now on will be unexcused.
Two more things wrong with this picture:
1. How does ZAC get stressed out from court if the ex is the one who was in it???? I know none of the kids at my house is very closely aware of my court schedules, it seems more than they should be expected to handle. The court date was during Zac's school hours, so I dont' know why the ex even told. I guess one of my kids was aware because I had to get a baby sitter for Baby Bear, but I made it a matter-of-fact 'today M will come to take care of you' and no big 'Your mom has to go to court and it is sooooooo stressful and it is all because of your dad!' and yes, I am frustrated still :p
2. X unilaterally signed up Zac for the night time community college courses, even although I felt that it would be better to get used to the new school daytime schedule first. And now it's being used as an excuse not to go to school????!!!!
Anyway, another day missed and another day the ex for sure will say 'Zac is doing so well!'
History of Custody Battle
I wrote this to help me verbalize my range of feelings through all this:
Phase 1: In the beginning, life was so easy. The divorce was over. The kids lived with me. It was vacation. We were looking for a house. Quite idyllic.
Phase 2: He took the boys and didn't return them, but I knew that the court system was on my side for this. Yes, it was going to take time and stress and money, but for many moral and ethical reasons, I would get the boys back and he would have to pay all my lawyer fees. And at least he had to try to get Zac out of bed for school now and Bryan had some time off from Zac at my house (although things got a lot worse for Bryan at
the ex's house) And it was so clear to me that he only filed for custody so he could reduce child support by $850 a month. No way the judge would let him get away with that.
Phase 3: I went to the police after confirming that what the ex did was a misdemeanor and I knew the law would be on my side. Only for all practical purposes it wasn't.
Phase 4: I talked to my lawyer and she used the words uphill battle a lot and she gave me a 60/40 chance of winning this case. She also helped me realize that filing for contempt of court basically means he will get a wrist slap and the occurence is on file at the court, nothing will ever actually HAPPEN the first time. Not to mention that
the court almost never will require the other party to pay these lawyer fees. Which had been my one consolation 'Well, even if I lose, he will at least have to pay my lawyer fees and at least I will have the childish satisfaction of him having to pay for my lawyer. And it was all his fault anyway, so it only is fair.' Only fairness isn't a
word which seems to mean what we think it means when we talk about court.
Phase 5: I will have to think long and hard and weigh all the money issues against all the stress and possible benefits issues. And I have NO idea what is the right road, although I am strongly suspecting that it might not be this one.
Phase 6: In the future, I will make my decision and accept that I did the best I could, even if it turns out to be the wrong decision. It's called live and learn.
Phase 1: In the beginning, life was so easy. The divorce was over. The kids lived with me. It was vacation. We were looking for a house. Quite idyllic.
Phase 2: He took the boys and didn't return them, but I knew that the court system was on my side for this. Yes, it was going to take time and stress and money, but for many moral and ethical reasons, I would get the boys back and he would have to pay all my lawyer fees. And at least he had to try to get Zac out of bed for school now and Bryan had some time off from Zac at my house (although things got a lot worse for Bryan at
the ex's house) And it was so clear to me that he only filed for custody so he could reduce child support by $850 a month. No way the judge would let him get away with that.
Phase 3: I went to the police after confirming that what the ex did was a misdemeanor and I knew the law would be on my side. Only for all practical purposes it wasn't.
Phase 4: I talked to my lawyer and she used the words uphill battle a lot and she gave me a 60/40 chance of winning this case. She also helped me realize that filing for contempt of court basically means he will get a wrist slap and the occurence is on file at the court, nothing will ever actually HAPPEN the first time. Not to mention that
the court almost never will require the other party to pay these lawyer fees. Which had been my one consolation 'Well, even if I lose, he will at least have to pay my lawyer fees and at least I will have the childish satisfaction of him having to pay for my lawyer. And it was all his fault anyway, so it only is fair.' Only fairness isn't a
word which seems to mean what we think it means when we talk about court.
Phase 5: I will have to think long and hard and weigh all the money issues against all the stress and possible benefits issues. And I have NO idea what is the right road, although I am strongly suspecting that it might not be this one.
Phase 6: In the future, I will make my decision and accept that I did the best I could, even if it turns out to be the wrong decision. It's called live and learn.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Baby Bear Funny
Baby Bear 'I like Violet, she is a teenager, but she hasn't lost her mind yet.'
Me 'Lost her mind?'
Baby Bear 'Yeah, like Ysa. All teenager lose their mind.' after a moment's thought clarifying 'You know, when I say losing her mind I mean becoming all snotty and such. Violet isn't snotty yet, she is nice!'
Interesting perspective 'All teens lose their mind.' I guess it is not much different from what a friend of me told me ten years ago before Vincent even was close to being a teen. 'When boys turn teens, all their brains get poured out into a bucket and they lose all common sense and become very dumb for a while. Slowly the bucket gets emptied back into their heads, and they turn into reasonable creatures again.'
I just had not expected to hear the same point of view from the mouth of a 5yo.
Me 'Lost her mind?'
Baby Bear 'Yeah, like Ysa. All teenager lose their mind.' after a moment's thought clarifying 'You know, when I say losing her mind I mean becoming all snotty and such. Violet isn't snotty yet, she is nice!'
Interesting perspective 'All teens lose their mind.' I guess it is not much different from what a friend of me told me ten years ago before Vincent even was close to being a teen. 'When boys turn teens, all their brains get poured out into a bucket and they lose all common sense and become very dumb for a while. Slowly the bucket gets emptied back into their heads, and they turn into reasonable creatures again.'
I just had not expected to hear the same point of view from the mouth of a 5yo.
Court Today
Today we had a scheduling conference for the custody issues.
Best summary is 'Not much happened.'
Before the conference my attorney told me that a good Guardian ad Litem has agreed to take our case, which means a $1,000 retainer and $175 an hour for her services. Presumably this would be shared, although we have filed for him to pay, but unlikely that the judge will grant that. Even if I think that 'HE started it all why do *I* have to end up paying this???' I realize that that thinking pattern doesn't adhere to the reality of the court system.
When it was time for the hearing, the judge came in and asked whether we could solve it in mediation. My attorney explained that there didn't seem to be room for mediation since he wants them to live with him and I want them to live with me. Although she did point out that there might be room for negotiation on Vincent, but he is almost 18 anyway and is planning on dropping out of school and emancipating himself soon. The judge did say that until he dropped out of school he was still subject to this order.
Then we talked about Zac and the judge remembered that we had a CHINS (child in need of services) petition going on for him in March. My lawyer confirmed that and said that there are mental health needs for Zac and that I felt he was better off at my house. She also casually mentioned that there are truancy issues again and that we don't know yet what we'll do with that. But I thought that was a smart way of saying that the ex can't get him to school either.
The judge noted that the current order was the standing order, which my lawyer later translated as 'the boys should be home', but who knows whether the ex will agree with that. She also has told his lawyer that it would help for 'good faith trying to get them back' to turn off the computers. I don't think he will go for that either. We'll see.
He asked whether there was need for any discovery and we both agreed that there wasn't. He also noted that we filed a motion to dismiss, but didn't comment on that beyond noting it. I don't think he will dismiss it. When he dismissed Zac's CHINS petition he did it right away in the court room.
The ex filed a new parenting plan basically saying 'I have the two boys, she has the five other kids, and all visits will be mutually agreed upon.' I don't think the judge is going to approve that one.
I told my lawyer about Penny's complaints about this weekend 'Zac was so stressed so we had to be quiet' and she said 'It is not good how he plays the kids against each other, even if he wants them to be quiet for Zac, he just should tell them to be quiet and enforce it, not put the 'blame' on Zac.' Yeah, seems correct.
One good thing, after the hearing, my lawyer asked his lawyer about the wage assigment again and he was there and explained he didn't want to do it till this all was over. Both lawyers agreed that that wasn't acceptable and it was in the court order and he should do it NOW and change it later if needed. So maybe that will finally happen.
Now in the big picture of things, this was a small and insignicant hearing, but I am surprised how much stress it generates for me. Seriously stressful. I was impatient with Baby Bear this morning when she dropped something and I had a hard time dealing with the whole court stress for at least a week and I am not amused by how much this all is impacting my life. More than I feel it should. Makes me wonder whether this is worth all the money and stress, but I am not ready to make hard decisions yet. It is going through my mind though. I would almost think that putting my energy into trying to get Zac residential placement would be more effective in the long run, since I fully believe that that is what he needs. My house isn't ideal for him either, even if it's a lot more structured than the ex's house.
Best summary is 'Not much happened.'
Before the conference my attorney told me that a good Guardian ad Litem has agreed to take our case, which means a $1,000 retainer and $175 an hour for her services. Presumably this would be shared, although we have filed for him to pay, but unlikely that the judge will grant that. Even if I think that 'HE started it all why do *I* have to end up paying this???' I realize that that thinking pattern doesn't adhere to the reality of the court system.
When it was time for the hearing, the judge came in and asked whether we could solve it in mediation. My attorney explained that there didn't seem to be room for mediation since he wants them to live with him and I want them to live with me. Although she did point out that there might be room for negotiation on Vincent, but he is almost 18 anyway and is planning on dropping out of school and emancipating himself soon. The judge did say that until he dropped out of school he was still subject to this order.
Then we talked about Zac and the judge remembered that we had a CHINS (child in need of services) petition going on for him in March. My lawyer confirmed that and said that there are mental health needs for Zac and that I felt he was better off at my house. She also casually mentioned that there are truancy issues again and that we don't know yet what we'll do with that. But I thought that was a smart way of saying that the ex can't get him to school either.
The judge noted that the current order was the standing order, which my lawyer later translated as 'the boys should be home', but who knows whether the ex will agree with that. She also has told his lawyer that it would help for 'good faith trying to get them back' to turn off the computers. I don't think he will go for that either. We'll see.
He asked whether there was need for any discovery and we both agreed that there wasn't. He also noted that we filed a motion to dismiss, but didn't comment on that beyond noting it. I don't think he will dismiss it. When he dismissed Zac's CHINS petition he did it right away in the court room.
The ex filed a new parenting plan basically saying 'I have the two boys, she has the five other kids, and all visits will be mutually agreed upon.' I don't think the judge is going to approve that one.
I told my lawyer about Penny's complaints about this weekend 'Zac was so stressed so we had to be quiet' and she said 'It is not good how he plays the kids against each other, even if he wants them to be quiet for Zac, he just should tell them to be quiet and enforce it, not put the 'blame' on Zac.' Yeah, seems correct.
One good thing, after the hearing, my lawyer asked his lawyer about the wage assigment again and he was there and explained he didn't want to do it till this all was over. Both lawyers agreed that that wasn't acceptable and it was in the court order and he should do it NOW and change it later if needed. So maybe that will finally happen.
Now in the big picture of things, this was a small and insignicant hearing, but I am surprised how much stress it generates for me. Seriously stressful. I was impatient with Baby Bear this morning when she dropped something and I had a hard time dealing with the whole court stress for at least a week and I am not amused by how much this all is impacting my life. More than I feel it should. Makes me wonder whether this is worth all the money and stress, but I am not ready to make hard decisions yet. It is going through my mind though. I would almost think that putting my energy into trying to get Zac residential placement would be more effective in the long run, since I fully believe that that is what he needs. My house isn't ideal for him either, even if it's a lot more structured than the ex's house.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Baby Bear and Bryan
The same guidance counselor is setting up groups for kids dealing with 'changing families' like going through divorce and such. I finally talked to her today (after playing phone tag for four days) and she asked whether it would be ok to have Baby Bear join one of those groups too. Baby Bear will be in a group with first graders, which should be fine for her, she is very verbal and very used to being with older kids. Her teacher already gave her go-ahead to the guidance counselor, so all they still needed was my permission.
Another group is starting up for Bryan's grade level, but it is all girls (4 or 5 I think?) and Bryan would be the only boy. She asked whether that would bother him, but I told her that he should be ok, since he isn't at the age yet when it matters (8yo) and he has four sisters, so is surrounded by girl energy anyway. If only he was a teenager, and could hang out with five cute 16yo girls in a group like that :D
I am happy that both will be participating in those support groups to share their experiences with peers and work through things with the guidance counselor.
Another group is starting up for Bryan's grade level, but it is all girls (4 or 5 I think?) and Bryan would be the only boy. She asked whether that would bother him, but I told her that he should be ok, since he isn't at the age yet when it matters (8yo) and he has four sisters, so is surrounded by girl energy anyway. If only he was a teenager, and could hang out with five cute 16yo girls in a group like that :D
I am happy that both will be participating in those support groups to share their experiences with peers and work through things with the guidance counselor.
Today I Learned how to Lie!
Funny school episode for Bryan.
He came home from school and told me 'Today was so cool! I got to participate in a group with the guidance counselor and we learned how to lie! We had to write down three statement of which only one was a lie and the other two were true and no one at first believed that I really had that many siblings! Instead they thought I didn't like ice cream!'
Seemed like he had a great time learning how to lie... It was cool to see him so enthusiastic.
As background, the guidance counselor had sent home a list of groups she was forming and I had put a mark at 'social skills group' for Bryan. This was the first week of said social skills group. They actually also talked about when lies are ok, I think they mostly went into the 'social white lies'.
Important skills to learn ^^.
He came home from school and told me 'Today was so cool! I got to participate in a group with the guidance counselor and we learned how to lie! We had to write down three statement of which only one was a lie and the other two were true and no one at first believed that I really had that many siblings! Instead they thought I didn't like ice cream!'
Seemed like he had a great time learning how to lie... It was cool to see him so enthusiastic.
As background, the guidance counselor had sent home a list of groups she was forming and I had put a mark at 'social skills group' for Bryan. This was the first week of said social skills group. They actually also talked about when lies are ok, I think they mostly went into the 'social white lies'.
Important skills to learn ^^.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
And a Bit More
Penny 'Zac also kept saying 'isn't it time for them to go home yet??? It is time for them to leave' I told him 'If you don't like us being here, why don't YOU go home!' He said 'No, I hate mama even more! She is a control freak!'
This is spilling over in so many ways on the younger ones. I have no idea whether the ex witnesses those conversations or just plays computer :p
This is spilling over in so many ways on the younger ones. I have no idea whether the ex witnesses those conversations or just plays computer :p
Mostly Venting
Please bear with me while I vent about things I can't change anyway, so I can let go of them and move on.
The ex did take the four youngest to their art classes yesterday and then returned them. He had asked to do their normal visit day on Sunday 'so that Zac could have a rest day after all the stress at school.'
Today he was going to pick them up before 10, so he did show up at 10:30am. Being in time for his kids clearly isn't a priority. I had to leave with Ysa for one of her activities at 11am, so at least this time he didn't mess that up, I just feel sad for the younger ones that he is ALWAYS late.
I had expected him to keep them till after dinner, since Saturday visits always are till after dinner. He returned them at 4:30pm. I guess compensating for the late pickup by performing an early dropoff. Which is not bad in the big scheme of things, since it means I could get them to bed in time for school, but in the small scheme of things it messed up my dinner with the two girls and some other stuff.
When we were on our way to the supermarket, Penny told me 'Papa was really annoying today!'
Me 'Hmmm? What happened?'
Penny 'Well, we had dropped off my friend and Bryan was being annoying in the car and papa got really mad at us. He said 'If you guys are going to be fighting I am going to drop you off at home again and you can't come to visit, because Zac is REALLY stressed out about school and he can't handle any type of you guys fighting.'
Me 'Hmmm, but I wasn't going to be home.'
Penny 'He didn't care. He just says Zac is very stressed about school and it's not fair. We started school too, we are stressed too!'
Me 'That sounds very frustrating.' (I am such a verbal person ^^)
Penny 'And when we were at his house, Zac kept complaining about Bryan, saying he is a drama queen and all kinds of bad things and that he shouldn't play computer and that he can't play Xbox and he can't play Spore because it is too violent for him and then he lets Baby Bear play Spore and it isn't even his xbox, it is Vincent's and he acts like it is all his.'
Me 'I see.'
Penny 'And then he says Bryan plays too much computer but Zac sits at the computer the WHOLE time we are there and I am sure the whole time we aren't there too and we have started school too and we are stressed too.'
It went on like this for at least twenty minutes, mostly Penny venting about him. It makes me mad, but it is clearly beyond my control, I just am very disappointed that he seems to think Zac is way more important than the other kids and then he turns around and claims in his motions to the court 'Zac being at my house is sooooooo much better for all the kids and Zac is doing so well!!'
Thanks for listening ^^
The ex did take the four youngest to their art classes yesterday and then returned them. He had asked to do their normal visit day on Sunday 'so that Zac could have a rest day after all the stress at school.'
Today he was going to pick them up before 10, so he did show up at 10:30am. Being in time for his kids clearly isn't a priority. I had to leave with Ysa for one of her activities at 11am, so at least this time he didn't mess that up, I just feel sad for the younger ones that he is ALWAYS late.
I had expected him to keep them till after dinner, since Saturday visits always are till after dinner. He returned them at 4:30pm. I guess compensating for the late pickup by performing an early dropoff. Which is not bad in the big scheme of things, since it means I could get them to bed in time for school, but in the small scheme of things it messed up my dinner with the two girls and some other stuff.
When we were on our way to the supermarket, Penny told me 'Papa was really annoying today!'
Me 'Hmmm? What happened?'
Penny 'Well, we had dropped off my friend and Bryan was being annoying in the car and papa got really mad at us. He said 'If you guys are going to be fighting I am going to drop you off at home again and you can't come to visit, because Zac is REALLY stressed out about school and he can't handle any type of you guys fighting.'
Me 'Hmmm, but I wasn't going to be home.'
Penny 'He didn't care. He just says Zac is very stressed about school and it's not fair. We started school too, we are stressed too!'
Me 'That sounds very frustrating.' (I am such a verbal person ^^)
Penny 'And when we were at his house, Zac kept complaining about Bryan, saying he is a drama queen and all kinds of bad things and that he shouldn't play computer and that he can't play Xbox and he can't play Spore because it is too violent for him and then he lets Baby Bear play Spore and it isn't even his xbox, it is Vincent's and he acts like it is all his.'
Me 'I see.'
Penny 'And then he says Bryan plays too much computer but Zac sits at the computer the WHOLE time we are there and I am sure the whole time we aren't there too and we have started school too and we are stressed too.'
It went on like this for at least twenty minutes, mostly Penny venting about him. It makes me mad, but it is clearly beyond my control, I just am very disappointed that he seems to think Zac is way more important than the other kids and then he turns around and claims in his motions to the court 'Zac being at my house is sooooooo much better for all the kids and Zac is doing so well!!'
Thanks for listening ^^
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Bryan
Ex has decided that today he won't take the younger ones all day, as usual, but only take them to their art class for a while and then bring them home again. 'I want Zac to have a rest day after such a stressful week at school.'
Bryan has been very bouncy all day since he got up, bothering siblings, bouncing around like Tiggr, and pretty fast escalating into 'You hate me, I am just going to die here' and hitting his head on the wall over and over. Any reassurance and calmness fell on deaf ears, at least that is what it felt like but of course I do it anyway while I assess the situation and the level of credible threats. The 'I am just going to die right here!' didn't sound too concerning to me from a credibility point of view.
Makes one wonder whether there is any connection between the disappointment of not seeing dad as much as usual and Bryan's behavior...
The wall hitting bothers me most, I wish I could get him into therapy again, but I'll have to wait till we either have medicaid or till January. Maybe I should talk to the guidance counselor at his school.
Bryan has been very bouncy all day since he got up, bothering siblings, bouncing around like Tiggr, and pretty fast escalating into 'You hate me, I am just going to die here' and hitting his head on the wall over and over. Any reassurance and calmness fell on deaf ears, at least that is what it felt like but of course I do it anyway while I assess the situation and the level of credible threats. The 'I am just going to die right here!' didn't sound too concerning to me from a credibility point of view.
Makes one wonder whether there is any connection between the disappointment of not seeing dad as much as usual and Bryan's behavior...
The wall hitting bothers me most, I wish I could get him into therapy again, but I'll have to wait till we either have medicaid or till January. Maybe I should talk to the guidance counselor at his school.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Ysa
Today I saw our family physician to talk about the Ysa issues. I told her what I saw, Ysa explained to her that it all was grossly exaggerated, her stomach ache was almost non-existing and gone anyway and no she did not want to talk to anyone, thankyouverymuch.
The consensus between the dr and me was that counseling would benefit her. Which is in line with what the family therapist expressed. There has been so much upheaval in her life. The divorce including dad's rejections, Zac's violence (including trying to strangle Ysa), and her starting public school to name a few. Not to mention that she is in early puberty which is not an easy time emotionally anyway. It is no wonder that she is a bit stressed right now and could use extra support.
Looks like I will be able to add another counseling session to my weekly list ^^
The good news is that Violet is almost graduated because she is doing well this school year and even stopped taking her prozac a while ago and seems to be doing fine without it.
The consensus between the dr and me was that counseling would benefit her. Which is in line with what the family therapist expressed. There has been so much upheaval in her life. The divorce including dad's rejections, Zac's violence (including trying to strangle Ysa), and her starting public school to name a few. Not to mention that she is in early puberty which is not an easy time emotionally anyway. It is no wonder that she is a bit stressed right now and could use extra support.
Looks like I will be able to add another counseling session to my weekly list ^^
The good news is that Violet is almost graduated because she is doing well this school year and even stopped taking her prozac a while ago and seems to be doing fine without it.
HEARING THINGS??!!!
Penny just came downstairs
'Did the doorbell ring? I heard a dingdong'
Me absentmindedly while pondering the kitchen table mess and deciding to eat a grapefruit to deal with it 'Nope, no one here.'
Penny 'Oh, I heard the doorbell and then I heard a dog bark.'
Me 'I see.' not really thinking anything of it yet, and finding a knife to cut the grapefruit.
Penny adds 'I guess I have been hearing thing lately.'
This is where I perked up and wondered whether I should be wondering 'Hearing things?' because I am really good at smart questions when I get thrown into a situation like this.
'Yeah, yesterday in the bus, I was sitting next to Nancy and I heard this voice from behind me. From the back of the bus. The voice very clearly said 'Penny!' I turned around but there was no one there who looked like they said anything. I asked Nancy 'Did you just hear that?' and she asked 'What? I didn't hear anything.'
'Hmmmm, was it a boys voice or a girls voice?'
'Not sure, more boyish I think.'
'I see. And there have been other times when you have heard things?'
'Oh yes, quite often, although it is a few weeks ago and I don't really remember.'
I was out of smart questions and changed the subject to other auditory stuff like Robert scraping his metal thermos at lunch time and how it still bothers her. But my mind was wondering and pondering how to put this new information into the complex picture of Penny and was really happy to know that our local topnotch psychologist is going to evaluate her later this month (Oct 27)
Oh, the doorbell and the dog barking were exactly the doorbell and the dog at her friend's house. And it was very clear to her that it was her friend's doorbell and her friend's dog, it sounds like this was a very vivid happening to her, not a 'i hear a cling somewhere in the house and think maybe it's the doorbell.'
This afternoon we had yet another screaming fest which was homework induced although partly Ysa induced too. Penny can be LOUD when she is upset. The good news is that she ended up calling her teacher at home (who has given her phone number to her for such types of situations) and she got the answer she needed and is a lot calmer now.
And me??? I am still wondering whether maybe *I* am imagining things and maybe this isn't really happening :p
'Did the doorbell ring? I heard a dingdong'
Me absentmindedly while pondering the kitchen table mess and deciding to eat a grapefruit to deal with it 'Nope, no one here.'
Penny 'Oh, I heard the doorbell and then I heard a dog bark.'
Me 'I see.' not really thinking anything of it yet, and finding a knife to cut the grapefruit.
Penny adds 'I guess I have been hearing thing lately.'
This is where I perked up and wondered whether I should be wondering 'Hearing things?' because I am really good at smart questions when I get thrown into a situation like this.
'Yeah, yesterday in the bus, I was sitting next to Nancy and I heard this voice from behind me. From the back of the bus. The voice very clearly said 'Penny!' I turned around but there was no one there who looked like they said anything. I asked Nancy 'Did you just hear that?' and she asked 'What? I didn't hear anything.'
'Hmmmm, was it a boys voice or a girls voice?'
'Not sure, more boyish I think.'
'I see. And there have been other times when you have heard things?'
'Oh yes, quite often, although it is a few weeks ago and I don't really remember.'
I was out of smart questions and changed the subject to other auditory stuff like Robert scraping his metal thermos at lunch time and how it still bothers her. But my mind was wondering and pondering how to put this new information into the complex picture of Penny and was really happy to know that our local topnotch psychologist is going to evaluate her later this month (Oct 27)
Oh, the doorbell and the dog barking were exactly the doorbell and the dog at her friend's house. And it was very clear to her that it was her friend's doorbell and her friend's dog, it sounds like this was a very vivid happening to her, not a 'i hear a cling somewhere in the house and think maybe it's the doorbell.'
This afternoon we had yet another screaming fest which was homework induced although partly Ysa induced too. Penny can be LOUD when she is upset. The good news is that she ended up calling her teacher at home (who has given her phone number to her for such types of situations) and she got the answer she needed and is a lot calmer now.
And me??? I am still wondering whether maybe *I* am imagining things and maybe this isn't really happening :p
Ha! On Top of All
On top of all the other things which are going on in my life, I got a note from the school that Penny failed her vision AND hearing screening.
I know it is no big deal, it just was one of those 'um... I don't have time for this!' moments which was only a split second reaction before I picked up the phone and called our family doctor to set up an appointment.
Her vision was 20/40 in both eyes, which seems pretty reasonable still, but I suspect she might need glasses. Which would make her my third kid with glasses, so it's not a super big surprise.
Her hearing results are more unexpected. I haven't noticed any hearing problems and her speech is good. For now I am going to put it down to either test errors, or fluid in her ears. It is hard to read the nurse's scribbling, but it looks like it says 1000 Hz at 30, which doesn't sound immediately worrisome to me, but I'll let our family doctor repeat the hearing test in their office and see whether the results are reproducable or were just this one day in the nurse's office.
I have done a lot of hearing stuff with the older kids, so it is not uncharted territory for me. Up until now we only have had temporary hearing losses correlating with fluid in their ears, so I hope that Penny's is the same. If it isn't, it can't be a very serious hearing loss if it hasn't been detected till 10yo.
I know it is no big deal, it just was one of those 'um... I don't have time for this!' moments which was only a split second reaction before I picked up the phone and called our family doctor to set up an appointment.
Her vision was 20/40 in both eyes, which seems pretty reasonable still, but I suspect she might need glasses. Which would make her my third kid with glasses, so it's not a super big surprise.
Her hearing results are more unexpected. I haven't noticed any hearing problems and her speech is good. For now I am going to put it down to either test errors, or fluid in her ears. It is hard to read the nurse's scribbling, but it looks like it says 1000 Hz at 30, which doesn't sound immediately worrisome to me, but I'll let our family doctor repeat the hearing test in their office and see whether the results are reproducable or were just this one day in the nurse's office.
I have done a lot of hearing stuff with the older kids, so it is not uncharted territory for me. Up until now we only have had temporary hearing losses correlating with fluid in their ears, so I hope that Penny's is the same. If it isn't, it can't be a very serious hearing loss if it hasn't been detected till 10yo.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Ysa Last Night (good update)
Yesterday was a lot calmer for Ysa. At first, she was vicious and impatient to the younger ones when we were in the car, and gave me the silent treatment for a while, but she was much better later in the afternoon and at night.
She was dancing around, pleasant, laughing, participating in family activities, and it is hard to imagine that this normal looking child had such a scary panic attack and anger outbursts the nights before.
I talked to the family therapist. The ex had gotten together with her, and still doesn't see the issues with Zac and Bryan, but has grudgingly promised that he will not let them alone. One of his defenses was 'They should be fine if Vincent is there'. The family therapist asked 'Is there a safety plan in place so that Vincent knows what he should be doing when things escalate?' The ex admitted that no, there wasn't anything like that in place.
It turns out that the ex had brought up a concern with me and Ysa, that Ysa had been mean to the younger ones when she was watching them. So he doesn't want me to leave them alone with her anymore. Which actually was my plan anyway after the last few nights and week because she clearly is not in a place where I can in any reasonableness expect her to watch younger ones, since she is such a mess. I just thought it was very interesting that he doesn't see the issues with Bryan and Zac, has left them alone over and over even after people told him not to, and now he immediately is saying Ysa cannot be left alone with the young ones! Severely limiting my life, which feels like it could be another control issue yet again, even if I would like to think it is not. It just makes me go hmmmmmmmmmm.
Anyway, the therapist was worried about the panic attack and recommended me taking her in to see her doctor and maybe start her on therapy too. Which would not be a bad idea I think, and the family therapist actually called me back within 5 minutes saying that she had talked to one of the therapists at the center and she could see Ysa.
But last night it was encouraging to see her happy and engaged instead of angry and lashing out at everyone.
One last thing about family therapy / ex. The family therapist is encouraging him to work on his relationship with Ysa and 'yes, he wants to, but he is so busy with Zac, so he doesn't know how he would do it.'... Twit!
She was dancing around, pleasant, laughing, participating in family activities, and it is hard to imagine that this normal looking child had such a scary panic attack and anger outbursts the nights before.
I talked to the family therapist. The ex had gotten together with her, and still doesn't see the issues with Zac and Bryan, but has grudgingly promised that he will not let them alone. One of his defenses was 'They should be fine if Vincent is there'. The family therapist asked 'Is there a safety plan in place so that Vincent knows what he should be doing when things escalate?' The ex admitted that no, there wasn't anything like that in place.
It turns out that the ex had brought up a concern with me and Ysa, that Ysa had been mean to the younger ones when she was watching them. So he doesn't want me to leave them alone with her anymore. Which actually was my plan anyway after the last few nights and week because she clearly is not in a place where I can in any reasonableness expect her to watch younger ones, since she is such a mess. I just thought it was very interesting that he doesn't see the issues with Bryan and Zac, has left them alone over and over even after people told him not to, and now he immediately is saying Ysa cannot be left alone with the young ones! Severely limiting my life, which feels like it could be another control issue yet again, even if I would like to think it is not. It just makes me go hmmmmmmmmmm.
Anyway, the therapist was worried about the panic attack and recommended me taking her in to see her doctor and maybe start her on therapy too. Which would not be a bad idea I think, and the family therapist actually called me back within 5 minutes saying that she had talked to one of the therapists at the center and she could see Ysa.
But last night it was encouraging to see her happy and engaged instead of angry and lashing out at everyone.
One last thing about family therapy / ex. The family therapist is encouraging him to work on his relationship with Ysa and 'yes, he wants to, but he is so busy with Zac, so he doesn't know how he would do it.'... Twit!
Zac Mon + Tuesday
Monday Zac went to school fine, although he was up very early, so might have missed a night of sleep. Monday afternoon 3pm he crashed when he came home from school.
Tuesday he refused to to go school. He was too scared.
Me 'I see, so things are not going so well.'
Ex 'Oh no, they are going very well, this is just one day that he didn't make it, he has been doing so well!' Um.... at least two suicidal incidents in the last few weeks, often didn't make it to school, and we had to adjust his school program twice so far and he considers it Zac doing well???
Ex 'His sleeping just got messed up.'
Can't he see that Zac's issues are much much much bigger than a simple sleep messup? I guess that is a stupid question since he clearly is not seeing it, but it still is mind boggling. And frustrating.
When he was too scared to go to school, his father just left him in his apartment, no supervision. Luckily he saw his therapist and case manager yesterday, so I can give them a call today and get update on how he was doing when he saw them. But it just is so super frustrating! I feel we are losing valuable time which could be used to get him REAL help instead of the stopgap measures the school is trying now.
Tuesday he refused to to go school. He was too scared.
Me 'I see, so things are not going so well.'
Ex 'Oh no, they are going very well, this is just one day that he didn't make it, he has been doing so well!' Um.... at least two suicidal incidents in the last few weeks, often didn't make it to school, and we had to adjust his school program twice so far and he considers it Zac doing well???
Ex 'His sleeping just got messed up.'
Can't he see that Zac's issues are much much much bigger than a simple sleep messup? I guess that is a stupid question since he clearly is not seeing it, but it still is mind boggling. And frustrating.
When he was too scared to go to school, his father just left him in his apartment, no supervision. Luckily he saw his therapist and case manager yesterday, so I can give them a call today and get update on how he was doing when he saw them. But it just is so super frustrating! I feel we are losing valuable time which could be used to get him REAL help instead of the stopgap measures the school is trying now.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Ysa Panic Attack and Explosion
Sunday night, Ysa had a full blown panic attack. The presumable reason was cleaning her room, but I think it really is her school stress. She was also making a drama about 'all the homework!!!!' she still had to do although it turned out in the end to only be a few questions. She was unable to breathe, unable to walk, and couldn't lift her arms. She didn't even want to pet the dog, which was too bad, because I think bodily contact with him would have helped her.
Tonight we had her explode at me with lots of swearing, kicking the walls, slamming doors, hitting the walls and scary behavior. Violet hid under a desk to be away from her. It brought me back to many scary Zac episodes although hers was directed towards objects, not people yet. Still, I feel she is moving in the wrong direction.
There have been 'I just want to die' and 'I don't care if I die or bleed to death!' statements too, one last night, a few tonight. I didn't think there were credible suicidal threats here yet, but I am documenting and I am wondering whether I am witnessing just anxiety or anxiety mixed with depression. Later tonight she was calm and pleasant and happily doing her homework with minimal help, so I will wait and see and monitor the developments. I did sent an email to her guidance counselor at school so that he knows there are issues, and I also will bring this up at my next meeting with the family therapist.
And of course, as always, I have the emergency number for our counseling center within easy access.
My life is not boring.
Tonight we had her explode at me with lots of swearing, kicking the walls, slamming doors, hitting the walls and scary behavior. Violet hid under a desk to be away from her. It brought me back to many scary Zac episodes although hers was directed towards objects, not people yet. Still, I feel she is moving in the wrong direction.
There have been 'I just want to die' and 'I don't care if I die or bleed to death!' statements too, one last night, a few tonight. I didn't think there were credible suicidal threats here yet, but I am documenting and I am wondering whether I am witnessing just anxiety or anxiety mixed with depression. Later tonight she was calm and pleasant and happily doing her homework with minimal help, so I will wait and see and monitor the developments. I did sent an email to her guidance counselor at school so that he knows there are issues, and I also will bring this up at my next meeting with the family therapist.
And of course, as always, I have the emergency number for our counseling center within easy access.
My life is not boring.
Penny Homework
Not a big issue, but just sent this letter to her teacher about tonight's homework:
"Penny was having an extremely hard time with her homework tonight, she does not have formal education of long vowels and all the ways they manifest, so she was unable to do one of her homework pages. I wrote a note to give to her teacher and told her she didn't have to do this since she would need some extra help and I would request it in the note, but she still totally was falling apart and very, very, very upset for a long time. It is almost 10pm now and she is laying on the couch, hopefully will fall asleep there. She still occasionally is saying 'I NEED to do my homework!!!!!!' not being able to accept that it is ok to not do her homework under those circumstances.
She also is stating that she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and doesn't want to get up but I think that will be solved by a good night's sleep.
Please give her some extra help with the long vowels and other 'technical reading aspects' like this since she has a gap there. I request not to have this extra help given during recess or after school, since this is not a 'didn't finish reasonable homework' issue but a 'doesn't have the required knowledge yet to even be able to do
this homework' issue.
The good news is that she seems to be adjusting well to school in other aspects, I am hoping this is just a small blip on her road to a successful school career. "
Amazing how much drama can be generated by homework and school. It is not bad at all that she wants to finish her homework, but it is hard to finish it when she doesn't have the knowledge and I couldn't give her all that knowledge in a bit of informal homework help, so she was stuck there.
"Penny was having an extremely hard time with her homework tonight, she does not have formal education of long vowels and all the ways they manifest, so she was unable to do one of her homework pages. I wrote a note to give to her teacher and told her she didn't have to do this since she would need some extra help and I would request it in the note, but she still totally was falling apart and very, very, very upset for a long time. It is almost 10pm now and she is laying on the couch, hopefully will fall asleep there. She still occasionally is saying 'I NEED to do my homework!!!!!!' not being able to accept that it is ok to not do her homework under those circumstances.
She also is stating that she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow and doesn't want to get up but I think that will be solved by a good night's sleep.
Please give her some extra help with the long vowels and other 'technical reading aspects' like this since she has a gap there. I request not to have this extra help given during recess or after school, since this is not a 'didn't finish reasonable homework' issue but a 'doesn't have the required knowledge yet to even be able to do
this homework' issue.
The good news is that she seems to be adjusting well to school in other aspects, I am hoping this is just a small blip on her road to a successful school career. "
Amazing how much drama can be generated by homework and school. It is not bad at all that she wants to finish her homework, but it is hard to finish it when she doesn't have the knowledge and I couldn't give her all that knowledge in a bit of informal homework help, so she was stuck there.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Zac / Bryan
I saw the family therapist and brought up the issue of X leaving Bryan and Zac alone again. She said that the therapists had made it Very Clear (yes, she talks in capitals at times) to him in that meeting that it was totally not acceptable. And theorized that he must have thought it was a different situation because Zac was asleep. Which she agreed it wasn't, but she was trying to consider his reasoning.
She agreed with me that it was a big safety issue and someone from the counseling center would contact X and explain to him again that it was not ok at all.
We decided that having Bryan's therapist contact him would be best, since she has witnessed Bryan's issues closer than any one else in the practice. I hope he will listen this time.
She agreed with me that it was a big safety issue and someone from the counseling center would contact X and explain to him again that it was not ok at all.
We decided that having Bryan's therapist contact him would be best, since she has witnessed Bryan's issues closer than any one else in the practice. I hope he will listen this time.
Um... yeah whatever
Usually the three youngest spend the Saturday at their father's house.
Today he told me 'I want to take them in batches, at the most two at a time, because it is too stressful for Zac. He really needs to relax during the weekends.'
I proposed taking them to our community's open art studio so he can spend time with all three away from Zac.
He made up some convoluted schedule where he first picks up the two girls, then an hour later comes back for Bryan, and in the afternoon ends up with just Bryan I think. I just told Bryan and Baby Bear and they all started crying, it is great when I deal with the repercussions of his stupid decisions, but maybe I should not have said yes but it was a surprise request and I just couldn't deal with a fight and I am making runon sentences now.
Anyway, how can he think Zac is doing well and at the same time consider him too fragile to have three of his other kids over???? The ex's whole life seems to revolve around enabling Zac now. Gah.
Today he told me 'I want to take them in batches, at the most two at a time, because it is too stressful for Zac. He really needs to relax during the weekends.'
I proposed taking them to our community's open art studio so he can spend time with all three away from Zac.
He made up some convoluted schedule where he first picks up the two girls, then an hour later comes back for Bryan, and in the afternoon ends up with just Bryan I think. I just told Bryan and Baby Bear and they all started crying, it is great when I deal with the repercussions of his stupid decisions, but maybe I should not have said yes but it was a surprise request and I just couldn't deal with a fight and I am making runon sentences now.
Anyway, how can he think Zac is doing well and at the same time consider him too fragile to have three of his other kids over???? The ex's whole life seems to revolve around enabling Zac now. Gah.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Threatening Suicide Yet Again
Yesterday, Dr Hildegaard, the school psychologist called again, and told me that Zac expressed high anxiety about the custody situation, and how it would go in front of a judge and what if the judge decided to have him live with me. My phone was being very static-y, so I had a hard time getting all the details, but he did talk about suicide again. It sounded like me getting custody would want him to suicide.
I feel his mental health is not good at all right now and living with his father is not helping for sure. It is good that he has the psychologist at school, but I really think he needs WAY more therapeutic care than he is getting at the moment. I had a meeting at school today, which was frustrating as usual, but no time to write now.
At least the psychologist didn't feel it was a credible threat (to suicide) right now, but what are we teaching him if he keeps getting results by threatening suicide and then not having to do what he doesn't want to do.
I feel his mental health is not good at all right now and living with his father is not helping for sure. It is good that he has the psychologist at school, but I really think he needs WAY more therapeutic care than he is getting at the moment. I had a meeting at school today, which was frustrating as usual, but no time to write now.
At least the psychologist didn't feel it was a credible threat (to suicide) right now, but what are we teaching him if he keeps getting results by threatening suicide and then not having to do what he doesn't want to do.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Zac Today
Just called his father.
'So how did things go with Zac and Vincent today?'
'Vincent went well.'
Me, thinking 'uhoh, I bet Zac didn't.
and indeed 'Zac didn't go to school, he was too panicky.'
Me 'I see. What is he doing now?'
X 'He is sleeping. I promised I would come home at noon and get him to school.'
Good luck to him :p
Never boring, now off to get Baby Bear to kindergarten with some forms I am still due. The forms are killing me! Oh well :D
'So how did things go with Zac and Vincent today?'
'Vincent went well.'
Me, thinking 'uhoh, I bet Zac didn't.
and indeed 'Zac didn't go to school, he was too panicky.'
Me 'I see. What is he doing now?'
X 'He is sleeping. I promised I would come home at noon and get him to school.'
Good luck to him :p
Never boring, now off to get Baby Bear to kindergarten with some forms I am still due. The forms are killing me! Oh well :D
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Argh!
When I finally thought X would GET the Zac / Bryan issues, he proved to me that he does not. At all.
Friday night Bryan slept over at the X house. Saturday morning, X came here to pick up Baby Bear and I noticed that Bryan was not in his car. I asked about it.
He replied 'Oh, Zac was asleep anyway.'
I reminded him 'Bryan really is terrified of Zac, he should not be with him even if Zac was still asleep when he left.'
His counter 'Well, Bryan didn't want to come.'
I was too speechless to continue this conversation. Vincent was at work and Zac was asleep so he left Bryan unsupervised with Zac, maybe hoping that Zac wouldn't wake up even although it has been explained to him that he should not? Not to mention that I'd rather not have Bryan unsupervised in his apartment anyway, but that seems a minor issue compared to the safety issue of Zac / Bryan.
I will see the family therapist on Tuesday and bring this up with her. I am sad for Bryan that X is not willing to protect him or explain to him that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, like picking up your little sister, and it's not optional. And Bryan truly isn't hard to convince of things if you put one minute of energy and focus into it instead of just saying 'Oh, he doesn't want to come, ok.'
Friday night Bryan slept over at the X house. Saturday morning, X came here to pick up Baby Bear and I noticed that Bryan was not in his car. I asked about it.
He replied 'Oh, Zac was asleep anyway.'
I reminded him 'Bryan really is terrified of Zac, he should not be with him even if Zac was still asleep when he left.'
His counter 'Well, Bryan didn't want to come.'
I was too speechless to continue this conversation. Vincent was at work and Zac was asleep so he left Bryan unsupervised with Zac, maybe hoping that Zac wouldn't wake up even although it has been explained to him that he should not? Not to mention that I'd rather not have Bryan unsupervised in his apartment anyway, but that seems a minor issue compared to the safety issue of Zac / Bryan.
I will see the family therapist on Tuesday and bring this up with her. I am sad for Bryan that X is not willing to protect him or explain to him that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, like picking up your little sister, and it's not optional. And Bryan truly isn't hard to convince of things if you put one minute of energy and focus into it instead of just saying 'Oh, he doesn't want to come, ok.'
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