Today was Bryan's therapy and I found out more about the Baby Bear Incident. I took the notes of that incident AND of the latest suicidal incident both to have her be able to address those with her.
We talked a bit in the car about the incident at his dad's and I asked 'So do you remember what happened before you wanted to kill baby bear?'
'No, I forgot.'
Great, it's nice to have such a short memory span 'Hmmmm, I think she was putting dirty spaghetti on your plate?'
'No!!! She was touching my spaghetti with her unclean hands!'
Bing! My OCD radar went off, even although I haven't seen any other clear OCD signs. Somehow I guess my radar is always on the lookout, even when it is not needed. Bryan might be around the age when Zac started his germ phobias. Anyway, I file it away for future consideration and more data gathering and get back to the conversation.
'I see. That sounds frustrating, she can be quite a pain at time, can't she? Did you tell papa about what she was doing?'
'No, papa was in bed!'
My jaw drops on the floor, I carefully pick it up, take a deep breath and ask 'So who made your spaghetti?'
'Papa did, but then he went back to bed.'
We arrive at therapy and the therapist works on getting information about the incident from Bryan. She also gets him to draw a floor plan of X's apartment, which was interesting. He has big living room, two bed rooms, a kitchen, bath room, and balcony. One bed room has two air mattresses. The other one has a computer and a chair. The kitchen has a table with a few chairs. The living room doesn't have any furniture, but he used crayons to draw many many multi colored spots on the floor 'This room is full of lego.'
The therapist asks him to draw where everyone is. Penny is sitting at the computer chair, playing computer. Bryan and Baby Bear are at the kitchen table. And X is drawn on one of the air mattresses, only head visible, rest of his body covered in a blanket.
The therapist tries to get the info on the incident, but it is hard, he is really resisting talking about it. He curls up the chair, hugging his legs, kind of almost tying himself in a knot, in a way which looks very familiar from Zac. He starts reading aloud from a chart on the wall. He plays with toys, fidgets, does anything but talk about the incident.
She gets the part of the story that X did make them spaghetti, and served it to them in bowls. Then he went to bed. He is unwilling to talk about what exactly happened with Baby Bear, but he is very clear that he couldn't tell X about it. 'Papa was just being a lazy butt' The incident got resolved when Baby Bear left the room. He doesn't know where she went. Bryan stayed in the kitchen and just was thinking. All by himself. The therapist asked what he was thinking about. 'I don't remember.'
I cry thinking about how lonely and sad he must have been.
The therapist asks him on a scale of 1 to 10, how badly did you want to kill Baby Bear. He says '5' She asks him 'Did you have plans how to kill her?'
'YES! I would put candy in a balloon and put the balloon on the balcony, just a bit away from the balcony and she would try to get it and she would fall to her death on the sharp rocks underneath.'
'Doesn't the balcony have a railing?'
'No! It is just totally open!'
'I don't believe that, they wouldn't rent out a house with a balcony without a railing.'
He gets back to his floor plan, doesn't say anything, but adds balcony and railing and a balloon with candy next to the balcony to explain how he would kill her.
Yikes.
They never covered this particular issue in Parenting 101.
All this exploring took up most of the time we had in therapy. She did ask him on a scale of 1 to 10 how badly did he want to kill himself during the other incident. 'TEN!'
Poor little one!
Some more interesting stuff in between all this was about 'alone time' Bryan told us that 'When we are with papa, all three of us are supposed to get some alone time with him. But usally only Penny and Baby Bear get it. I never do.' Hmmmm. Not sure what that is all about. But again I don't know how relevant it is. My logical mind says why not get alone time by picking up one kid instead of three on a regular schedule?
We played Uno for the last five minutes of therapy. Bryan's therapist asked whether I had told this to the family therapist. I haven't yet, but I guess I should. I also left a message for the dcyf worker. I have no idea what to think of all this. I am still kind of flabbergasted how he just went to bed and how both kids clearly did not see him as a resource to help them problem solve when they had an issue. A fucking big issue at that.
And X's reaction of nonchalantly saying 'Yeah, I think I heard something like that' and 'He is just copying Zac' feels even more useless after I found out more details of this story.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Bryan
Huge drama during duplo play. Bryan was playing with Baby Bear, and something went wrong, and Bryan went into yet another episode of 'I just want to be dead. I want to kill myself.' Baby Bear was sitting and watching and calmly said 'Bryan, that would make us all very sad. We love you.' You think she has been watching too many of those episodes? On an aside, I think I have the only 4yo who wants to be a therapist when she grows up.
Bryan also said he wanted to kill me, and Baby Bear calmly commented that that was not acceptable. She cracks me up at times. After ten minutes of Big Drama, I decided to tell Bryan to put on his boots, and just the two of us took Woofie for a walk. We went on a great nature hike. When we had reached our local duck pond, trudging through the snow, I asked him whether he felt better now. He said he did. I told him that when I don't feel well, it often helps me to go out in nature.
Anyway, we had a great walk together, Woofie was both a pain and a joy to be with us and Bryan came home much calmer than when we left.
Bryan also said he wanted to kill me, and Baby Bear calmly commented that that was not acceptable. She cracks me up at times. After ten minutes of Big Drama, I decided to tell Bryan to put on his boots, and just the two of us took Woofie for a walk. We went on a great nature hike. When we had reached our local duck pond, trudging through the snow, I asked him whether he felt better now. He said he did. I told him that when I don't feel well, it often helps me to go out in nature.
Anyway, we had a great walk together, Woofie was both a pain and a joy to be with us and Bryan came home much calmer than when we left.
Penny
Yesterday, Penny was sitting on the couch, reading and got annoyed by Baby Bear doing something. Not sure what, I think she was showing Penny some stuff and Penny got impatient and started screaming at her.
I sat down next to Penny and tried to calm her down, but whatever I tried to say got interrupted by 'GO AWAY. GO AWAY! GO AWAY!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!' Louder and louder and louder and louder. I told her that she sounded like she needed someone, but she basically screamed screamed screamed, not open to any input. I just sat next to her till she calmed down.
I tried to talk to her about it later, but she was not up to discussing it. There have been more incidents like this, where her reaction just is Scream , Scream, SCREAM!
On the other hand, it used to be physical violence, so there is improvement for sure. Still, hard to see her so out of control and so LOUD.
I sat down next to Penny and tried to calm her down, but whatever I tried to say got interrupted by 'GO AWAY. GO AWAY! GO AWAY!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!' Louder and louder and louder and louder. I told her that she sounded like she needed someone, but she basically screamed screamed screamed, not open to any input. I just sat next to her till she calmed down.
I tried to talk to her about it later, but she was not up to discussing it. There have been more incidents like this, where her reaction just is Scream , Scream, SCREAM!
On the other hand, it used to be physical violence, so there is improvement for sure. Still, hard to see her so out of control and so LOUD.
Well...
I am not sure what to say. I could call it a success or a failure, but mostly I am not sure what to call it. They decided to reduce his school day to very short again, just like we started in 2007. This means we cut out about everything but support for his algebra class, and art. He will go in at 12:30pm and stay till 2:30. This will set him up for success in school and it will address the sleeping issues.
In a way I can see why we need to 'go back to the basics' and see whether we can lure him back into school. He has been in school three days so far since early January. In another way, it feels like this is throwing all the burden of his mental and educational issues back on me. Where it has been for the last few months anyway, because he had not been going to school, but somehow this feels like the wrong answer, even if I can't prove why. I also feel that we should give it a try, but I have a hard time saying whether it is good or bad.
It complicates my life significantly to have him at home, and for example not be able to take Penny to therapy by herself, because of the Zac - Bryan issues. Bryan is still talking about Zac planting bombs in his bed room, under his bed, and seems to be very scared of Zac. Even if nothing has happened recently, this is thanks to my constant vigilance and going out of my way to keep those two never home together without a grown up there. And Zac says things like 'Well, if you want me to murder Bryan, I will just go and kill him.' Um... No way I will leave those two alone till I am more on top of this. Which is fine, but does require a LOT of my effort. It would be nice to have a school day off from that issue, instead of just two hours.
Zac's sleeping is all messed up again since school started, he stays in bed till 1pm. He still refuses to use the lightbox, which clearly doesn't help things.
I don't know whether the two daily hours of education, and one weekly hour of therapy is enough for Zac at this moment. He is not actively making suicidal comments, but he has an air of hopelessness around him 'Whatever I do, I fail anyway. If I go to school, everything will go wrong. There is an atmosphere of hostility at school.' The 'atmosphere of hostility perception' is being addressed by keeping out of the hallways during class changes. He will be in the resource room one hour, and then after the start of next hour get escorted to his art
class room. I feel unsure whether this is going to be enough to turn around the negative spiral he has been in since September. But he also doesn't feel acute enough to push for a hospitalization right now. I am just worried and not sure whether we are doing enough.
I have a hard time verbalizing whether I am ok with the decision or not. I also had a hard time verbalizing during the meeting why this might not work. It is hard to say what will work or not anyway, without trying, so there is not much else we can do but try. But it also feels like we are delaying a real solution for his issues, and just putting a bandaid on the broken leg, hoping that will make it go away. Of course, part of the school concern is money, this solution is a lot cheaper for them than more structural solutions.
Anyway, my parent advocate helped convince the case manager that he should come to our house and talk to Zac, to explain the decision. He also prodded that the case manager could email / call Zac personally every day that he is not showing up.
The case manager did show up and talk to Zac and did a great job. Zac said that yes, he will come to school tomorrow. We will see.
Any feedback is welcome, I am still pondering and not sure what I feel about all this.
In a way I can see why we need to 'go back to the basics' and see whether we can lure him back into school. He has been in school three days so far since early January. In another way, it feels like this is throwing all the burden of his mental and educational issues back on me. Where it has been for the last few months anyway, because he had not been going to school, but somehow this feels like the wrong answer, even if I can't prove why. I also feel that we should give it a try, but I have a hard time saying whether it is good or bad.
It complicates my life significantly to have him at home, and for example not be able to take Penny to therapy by herself, because of the Zac - Bryan issues. Bryan is still talking about Zac planting bombs in his bed room, under his bed, and seems to be very scared of Zac. Even if nothing has happened recently, this is thanks to my constant vigilance and going out of my way to keep those two never home together without a grown up there. And Zac says things like 'Well, if you want me to murder Bryan, I will just go and kill him.' Um... No way I will leave those two alone till I am more on top of this. Which is fine, but does require a LOT of my effort. It would be nice to have a school day off from that issue, instead of just two hours.
Zac's sleeping is all messed up again since school started, he stays in bed till 1pm. He still refuses to use the lightbox, which clearly doesn't help things.
I don't know whether the two daily hours of education, and one weekly hour of therapy is enough for Zac at this moment. He is not actively making suicidal comments, but he has an air of hopelessness around him 'Whatever I do, I fail anyway. If I go to school, everything will go wrong. There is an atmosphere of hostility at school.' The 'atmosphere of hostility perception' is being addressed by keeping out of the hallways during class changes. He will be in the resource room one hour, and then after the start of next hour get escorted to his art
class room. I feel unsure whether this is going to be enough to turn around the negative spiral he has been in since September. But he also doesn't feel acute enough to push for a hospitalization right now. I am just worried and not sure whether we are doing enough.
I have a hard time verbalizing whether I am ok with the decision or not. I also had a hard time verbalizing during the meeting why this might not work. It is hard to say what will work or not anyway, without trying, so there is not much else we can do but try. But it also feels like we are delaying a real solution for his issues, and just putting a bandaid on the broken leg, hoping that will make it go away. Of course, part of the school concern is money, this solution is a lot cheaper for them than more structural solutions.
Anyway, my parent advocate helped convince the case manager that he should come to our house and talk to Zac, to explain the decision. He also prodded that the case manager could email / call Zac personally every day that he is not showing up.
The case manager did show up and talk to Zac and did a great job. Zac said that yes, he will come to school tomorrow. We will see.
Any feedback is welcome, I am still pondering and not sure what I feel about all this.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I Have a Head Ache
Although that is because of my cold, but Zac's behavior is not helping. He slept in till about 1pm. I took both him and Vincent out to shovel the driveway. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. 'Can we go inside yet?' 'Can we go inside now?' 'I am cold!'
He had therapy, and it seemed like he finally does talk a bit to the therapist. She said they actually did call Gopher, his case manager at school, together and did some brain storming. So that worked out well. Tomorrow is the big meeting at school. Zac's strongest reaction so far has been 'I am NOT going to residential school.'
I took him to drop off Violet at her art class. 'You are teaching me to run from problems by taking me everywhere! You are teaching me not to face problems, but to just run from them. You are a control freak. You are turning me into a monster. I am saying you are a control freak, are you listening????' I calmly replied 'Yes, I am, but I didn't think this warranted a reply.'
I am not sure how this is demonstrating to me that he is mature enough to be left alone with Bryan. I got some new and interesting information 'Last night papa dropped me off before you came home and I was fine with Bryan.' College was out earlier than expected, usually it goes on till 9pm, this time it stopped at 7:30pm. He had called his dad, and gotten a ride home, but I didnt' come home till 8:30, long before I expected Zac.
I can't believe X just dropped him off while he KNOWS the issues going on between Zac and Bryan.
I also asked X about the Baby Bear incident. He said 'Oh yeah, I think I heard something like that. They were cranky all weekened anyway. Because they had to get up early for Vincent. And Bryan is just copying Zac.' No shit.
Sigh. Nothing like 'Yes, that was bad, I made it very clear to Bryan that this was unacceptable.' I ended up doing the 'bad guy' work at home by not letting Bryan earn a lollipop for that day at X. It sounded like X didn't even address it at all, he just 'heard something' and that was all that this incident was in his world.
Um... I want to shake him. Your 8yo is threatening to kill your 4yo. Get up from the computer and DO something!
And I guess I will have to be clearer that Zac and Bryan should NOT be left without a grownup, so he can't just drop off Zac 2 hours earlier than normal without checking whether I am home yet.
Tonight, X was going to do some college algebra homework with Zac. Zac kept saying 'I am not going, I am a failure anyway.' He was laying down at the top of the stairs, covering his head, yelling 'I am not going!' Eventually, I did convince him, but it got me a LOT of verbal abuse. The joys.
He had therapy, and it seemed like he finally does talk a bit to the therapist. She said they actually did call Gopher, his case manager at school, together and did some brain storming. So that worked out well. Tomorrow is the big meeting at school. Zac's strongest reaction so far has been 'I am NOT going to residential school.'
I took him to drop off Violet at her art class. 'You are teaching me to run from problems by taking me everywhere! You are teaching me not to face problems, but to just run from them. You are a control freak. You are turning me into a monster. I am saying you are a control freak, are you listening????' I calmly replied 'Yes, I am, but I didn't think this warranted a reply.'
I am not sure how this is demonstrating to me that he is mature enough to be left alone with Bryan. I got some new and interesting information 'Last night papa dropped me off before you came home and I was fine with Bryan.' College was out earlier than expected, usually it goes on till 9pm, this time it stopped at 7:30pm. He had called his dad, and gotten a ride home, but I didnt' come home till 8:30, long before I expected Zac.
I can't believe X just dropped him off while he KNOWS the issues going on between Zac and Bryan.
I also asked X about the Baby Bear incident. He said 'Oh yeah, I think I heard something like that. They were cranky all weekened anyway. Because they had to get up early for Vincent. And Bryan is just copying Zac.' No shit.
Sigh. Nothing like 'Yes, that was bad, I made it very clear to Bryan that this was unacceptable.' I ended up doing the 'bad guy' work at home by not letting Bryan earn a lollipop for that day at X. It sounded like X didn't even address it at all, he just 'heard something' and that was all that this incident was in his world.
Um... I want to shake him. Your 8yo is threatening to kill your 4yo. Get up from the computer and DO something!
And I guess I will have to be clearer that Zac and Bryan should NOT be left without a grownup, so he can't just drop off Zac 2 hours earlier than normal without checking whether I am home yet.
Tonight, X was going to do some college algebra homework with Zac. Zac kept saying 'I am not going, I am a failure anyway.' He was laying down at the top of the stairs, covering his head, yelling 'I am not going!' Eventually, I did convince him, but it got me a LOT of verbal abuse. The joys.
Zac Today
Today, Zac just said 'NO' about going to school. When I pressed him for reasons, I got a 'Well, even if I TRY the virtual learning academy, they will just mess it up anyway, and their website is a shitty design.
I see a recurring theme of feeling hopeless about things, even if he is not actively making any self harming statements. He did make statements about killing Bryan though, but that was because I am such a fucking bitch (his insulting language would benefit from more variety).
Right now, he is still sleeping at 10:50am.
Before we switched to night time celexa, his sleeping was all messed up again. I was happy about the positive sleep habits change for the last few days before school started, but it feels like we are back to zero sleeping wise. The messed up sleeping pattern does not help his mental health at all.
Tomorrow, meeting at school to start to 'fix' this.
I see a recurring theme of feeling hopeless about things, even if he is not actively making any self harming statements. He did make statements about killing Bryan though, but that was because I am such a fucking bitch (his insulting language would benefit from more variety).
Right now, he is still sleeping at 10:50am.
Before we switched to night time celexa, his sleeping was all messed up again. I was happy about the positive sleep habits change for the last few days before school started, but it feels like we are back to zero sleeping wise. The messed up sleeping pattern does not help his mental health at all.
Tomorrow, meeting at school to start to 'fix' this.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Zac No School Today
Today Zac refused to get up. When he finally did, around 1pm, he said everything was going wrong anyway. I asked him to tell me three things which were going wrong.
1. school
2. the driveway
3. he can't sleep
He actually did sleep and had been getting up fine the last few days, so it really IS something at school which is not working for him at all.
After his breakfast, we'll go to kmart and get his anti anxiety meds
We saw the psychiatrist on Thursday. She upped his celexa to 20 mg, and added an anti anxiety med to take on school days. She also said to take the celexa at night, and it actually seems to work better for his sleeping. Woohoo! Well, till today, but i think that was school, not the celesta.
1. school
2. the driveway
3. he can't sleep
He actually did sleep and had been getting up fine the last few days, so it really IS something at school which is not working for him at all.
After his breakfast, we'll go to kmart and get his anti anxiety meds
We saw the psychiatrist on Thursday. She upped his celexa to 20 mg, and added an anti anxiety med to take on school days. She also said to take the celexa at night, and it actually seems to work better for his sleeping. Woohoo! Well, till today, but i think that was school, not the celesta.
Baby Bear Logic
The little ones came home from their visit, and Baby Bear told me 'Bryan threatened to kill me at papa's house.'.
I reply 'That is not good at all. Did you tell papa?'
Baby Bear 'No, I just avoided Bryan'
Me 'Let's talk about safety. When someone says they are going to kill you, you should go to the person in charge and tell them.'
Baby Bear, without missing a beat 'I didn't know papa was in charge!'
Me 'I see. Who did you think was in charge?'
Baby Bear 'Penny!'
Me 'So did you tell Penny?'
Baby Bear 'No, I just avoided Bryan.'
Bryan explained it was because Baby Bear tried to put spaghetti on his plate and it was dirty spaghetti, since she had touched it with her dirty hands! Which is a funny reason, since Bryan is not the most hygienic little boy at all, he always is muddy / dirty / covered in food / looks like he spent two months in the jungle.
I reply 'That is not good at all. Did you tell papa?'
Baby Bear 'No, I just avoided Bryan'
Me 'Let's talk about safety. When someone says they are going to kill you, you should go to the person in charge and tell them.'
Baby Bear, without missing a beat 'I didn't know papa was in charge!'
Me 'I see. Who did you think was in charge?'
Baby Bear 'Penny!'
Me 'So did you tell Penny?'
Baby Bear 'No, I just avoided Bryan.'
Bryan explained it was because Baby Bear tried to put spaghetti on his plate and it was dirty spaghetti, since she had touched it with her dirty hands! Which is a funny reason, since Bryan is not the most hygienic little boy at all, he always is muddy / dirty / covered in food / looks like he spent two months in the jungle.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Bryan
Yes, I know I am behind, I am juggling and dropping more balls than usual. I feel Very Overwhelmed right now. This week is school vacation, which doesn't help because it is delaying things for Zac. I will cover him in separate posts, first want to catch up on Bryan.
Last week, Bryan had therapy and it was interesting. There has been no self harming statements, which I am not sure is because of the new 'safety plan' in the house, or just coincidence. He has been spending less time with his father, which also might be part of the picture, I just don't know.
There still is imagery of Zac planting bombs under his bed. Time bombs. But Bryan played with the buttons to disable them. He knows that they are bombs because there is a countdown timer on them. He disabled it and put it under Zac's bed instead...
The therapist asked about his visits with his dad. He says he likes them (which I believe, since he is in desperate want of love from his dad as far as I can tell). The therapist said 'but sometimes your dad kicks you', to which Bryan replied 'But it was only a light kick!'
The therapist asked whether Bryan could tell when his dad was getting mad, and Bryan said he could not tell at all. I don't think there have been any incidents since the kicking, at least not any which Bryan shared. Not that they have spent much time at their dad, it is very easy to limit their time, since their dad doesn't initiate visits, he seems to be happy with as little time as possible.
Of course, it means there is more work for me, since I still need to keep Bryan and Zac separated, and it would be so nice to have some help with that.
Last week, Bryan had therapy and it was interesting. There has been no self harming statements, which I am not sure is because of the new 'safety plan' in the house, or just coincidence. He has been spending less time with his father, which also might be part of the picture, I just don't know.
There still is imagery of Zac planting bombs under his bed. Time bombs. But Bryan played with the buttons to disable them. He knows that they are bombs because there is a countdown timer on them. He disabled it and put it under Zac's bed instead...
The therapist asked about his visits with his dad. He says he likes them (which I believe, since he is in desperate want of love from his dad as far as I can tell). The therapist said 'but sometimes your dad kicks you', to which Bryan replied 'But it was only a light kick!'
The therapist asked whether Bryan could tell when his dad was getting mad, and Bryan said he could not tell at all. I don't think there have been any incidents since the kicking, at least not any which Bryan shared. Not that they have spent much time at their dad, it is very easy to limit their time, since their dad doesn't initiate visits, he seems to be happy with as little time as possible.
Of course, it means there is more work for me, since I still need to keep Bryan and Zac separated, and it would be so nice to have some help with that.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Residential?
Last week, I spoke to my parent advocate and he said I should increase pressure on the school to deal with attendance issues. This all is not working for Zac. He is not getting academics and he is not getting any social skills if he refuses to show up. He also helped me realize that Zac is getting older, and we are within 2.5 years of him turning 18yo, when he legally can refuse all services.
I don't think the school has been doing anything wrong, they have been bending over backwards to make things work for Zac. But it still isn't working. Either the school needs to do more, or this is not the right placement for him.
I am not particularly worried about the academics, but socially he is not getting much out of school at the moment. He is supposed to get social help, but it is not working very well. He refuses any social skills groups, which doesn't help. Also, Zac perceives the school environment as very hostile, although we can't get him to be more specific. It is very frustrating.
A residential placement would help him by putting a lot more structure in Zac's life. School attendance would not be an issue anymore, and there would be a much higher focus on social and life skills. Here is an example of a residential placement http://www.spauldingyouthcenter.org/Default.asp?bhcp=1
I don't know. On the one hand I do not want this at all, on the other hand, it might be the best thing for him right now. There is only so much I can do, especially if he is not attending school.
I don't know. Life doesn't seem to have easy answers.
I don't think the school has been doing anything wrong, they have been bending over backwards to make things work for Zac. But it still isn't working. Either the school needs to do more, or this is not the right placement for him.
I am not particularly worried about the academics, but socially he is not getting much out of school at the moment. He is supposed to get social help, but it is not working very well. He refuses any social skills groups, which doesn't help. Also, Zac perceives the school environment as very hostile, although we can't get him to be more specific. It is very frustrating.
A residential placement would help him by putting a lot more structure in Zac's life. School attendance would not be an issue anymore, and there would be a much higher focus on social and life skills. Here is an example of a residential placement http://www.spauldingyouthcenter.org/Default.asp?bhcp=1
I don't know. On the one hand I do not want this at all, on the other hand, it might be the best thing for him right now. There is only so much I can do, especially if he is not attending school.
I don't know. Life doesn't seem to have easy answers.
Tuesday
Zac did not go to school. I sent this letter to school. Hand delivered it even.
Today, Zac is absent from school again. Last week, he missed four out of five days. This whole school year has been a struggle to get him to school, and he is not getting the appropriate education he needs. His grades were affected by his school avoidance last semester, and this semester he barely has gotten any classes in at all.
We need to put a procedure in place how to get Zac to school when he refuses to get up. I am unable to force the issue. I have worked with Zac's therapists to try to resolve the issue, but whatever we are doing is not working. The school needs to step up a notch and find a way to deal with this.
If this can't be dealt with at the local level, I am wondering whether we need to look into residential placement. The current situation clearly is not working.
I am looking forward to a quick resolve of this issue,
Thank you,
Jabber Wock
Today, Zac is absent from school again. Last week, he missed four out of five days. This whole school year has been a struggle to get him to school, and he is not getting the appropriate education he needs. His grades were affected by his school avoidance last semester, and this semester he barely has gotten any classes in at all.
We need to put a procedure in place how to get Zac to school when he refuses to get up. I am unable to force the issue. I have worked with Zac's therapists to try to resolve the issue, but whatever we are doing is not working. The school needs to step up a notch and find a way to deal with this.
If this can't be dealt with at the local level, I am wondering whether we need to look into residential placement. The current situation clearly is not working.
I am looking forward to a quick resolve of this issue,
Thank you,
Jabber Wock
Monday Update Zac
Yes, I am behind, please bear with me and accept some out of order stuff
Zac still seems to be stuck in a downwards spiral, I don't like his current state of mind / school attendance.
The good thing: I got him to use his light box this morning (for the first time in weeks)
The bad thing: He was playing video games in the middle of the night (4am) and again at 4:30am, and still at 7:30am, so I strongly suspect he has not slept the whole night.
The good thing: I did get him to school, even although school bus didn't show up, maybe miscommunication with transportation?
The bad thing: He was Very Negative about school. School is horrible. Whenever he goes to school everything goes wrong anyway. He doesn't feel safe at school. It is a very hostile environment. I tried to ask him more specifics, but I only got a 'I hate everything about each subject and I don't like anything about them' out of him. And he definitely won't go to school on Fridays, because that is when Ms Westwood is there. (she seems to be the current school person to blame everything on)
This morning, I met with Zac's mental health case manager. We are going to find out the school's official policy for truancy? We would like to hold off on the CHINS for a little and try more with the school if there are options. One idea is maybe have someone show up at our house when he refuses to get out of bed? He should be in school. I am unable to get him out of bed. Can the school help by having someone
(resource officer, truancy officer, whoever?) show up at my house and talk to Zac in person and help to convince him? At the moment he is not getting the education he needs because his attendance has been so bad.
I posed all those questions to the school this morning, haven't heard back yet.
I did get a lot of 'bitch!' and goddamns directed at me this morning, he is not in a good place right now.
Zac still seems to be stuck in a downwards spiral, I don't like his current state of mind / school attendance.
The good thing: I got him to use his light box this morning (for the first time in weeks)
The bad thing: He was playing video games in the middle of the night (4am) and again at 4:30am, and still at 7:30am, so I strongly suspect he has not slept the whole night.
The good thing: I did get him to school, even although school bus didn't show up, maybe miscommunication with transportation?
The bad thing: He was Very Negative about school. School is horrible. Whenever he goes to school everything goes wrong anyway. He doesn't feel safe at school. It is a very hostile environment. I tried to ask him more specifics, but I only got a 'I hate everything about each subject and I don't like anything about them' out of him. And he definitely won't go to school on Fridays, because that is when Ms Westwood is there. (she seems to be the current school person to blame everything on)
This morning, I met with Zac's mental health case manager. We are going to find out the school's official policy for truancy? We would like to hold off on the CHINS for a little and try more with the school if there are options. One idea is maybe have someone show up at our house when he refuses to get out of bed? He should be in school. I am unable to get him out of bed. Can the school help by having someone
(resource officer, truancy officer, whoever?) show up at my house and talk to Zac in person and help to convince him? At the moment he is not getting the education he needs because his attendance has been so bad.
I posed all those questions to the school this morning, haven't heard back yet.
I did get a lot of 'bitch!' and goddamns directed at me this morning, he is not in a good place right now.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Joys of Dragging an Unwilling Teenager
On Thursday, I had to go somewhere and I wanted to take Zac with me. He was not amused. Totally unwilling to go. Although I did eventually convince him of the wisdom of going.
He was still very annoyed with me though, and he used a lot of verbal abuse, although there was not much of a variety 'Fucking bitch' is getting a bit old and boring by now. He also took off his seat belt. I calmly asked him to put it back on, he did not comply. His hand started moving in the direction of the door and the verbal abuse kept going and his seat belt still was off.
I managed to lock all the doors without him noticing by first playing with the windows a bit, and explained to him that the way he was behaving, we would be going to the hospital instead of to our planned destination. He finally put his seat belt back on, even although the verbal crap was still going on.
We arrived where we needed to be, he was fine in public, even if a bit grumpy and Aspergy. Stuff like this does take a lot of energy.
He was still very annoyed with me though, and he used a lot of verbal abuse, although there was not much of a variety 'Fucking bitch' is getting a bit old and boring by now. He also took off his seat belt. I calmly asked him to put it back on, he did not comply. His hand started moving in the direction of the door and the verbal abuse kept going and his seat belt still was off.
I managed to lock all the doors without him noticing by first playing with the windows a bit, and explained to him that the way he was behaving, we would be going to the hospital instead of to our planned destination. He finally put his seat belt back on, even although the verbal crap was still going on.
We arrived where we needed to be, he was fine in public, even if a bit grumpy and Aspergy. Stuff like this does take a lot of energy.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Safety Plans
This week, I went to family therapy with just the three young ones. It was an excellent session. There had been more killing and violent talk between the three of them (Baby Bear saying 'I am going to rip off your head!' to Penny) so it was a perfect opportunity to talk about safety. 'What are not ok things to say when you are angry?' 'What could you say instead?' 'What do you do when someone says something threatening to you?' Many more like that.
Baby bear made me proud by giving the right answer to almost any of his safety questions. Penny made me proud by rattling of a list of at least eight or ten names without thinking when he asked whether there were other grownups they could call if they needed one or wanted to talk to one. Without even thinking. Showing that my support network expands to cover my kids too. They can call any of those people at any moment and know that they can get help if needed. Made me feel good for sure.
Bryan and Penny were more interested in the toys than in the safety discussion. Baby Bear was bouncing all around the room, which usually is Bryan's role. She kept climbing on chairs in such a way that either me or the therapist held down the chair to prevent it from toppling. He remarked that it was kind of funny we were doing that during a discussion about safety.
Anyway, we had a good discussion about safety and what is ok and what is not ok. We also talked about the option of calling 911 if you are afraid someone is really going to hurt you. We did not mention X at all, but it tied in very well with safety plan for when they are at X's house.
I explained to them the difference between calling 911 from home phone or from cell phone. They can locate you from home phone, even if you don't say anything. But they can't do the same thing from cell phone.
We talked about having clear consequences for breaking safety rules. I will take any ideas people have. For now I have designed a sticker system, where you can earn sticker at the end of the day if there were no infractions, and you get a 'bad sticker' for an infraction. People with a smily face sticker will get lollipop as reward, before tooth brushing. This is the big safety rules of 'don't hurt people, don't threaten to hurt people, and don't hurt people's property or threaten to hurt it.' We have had only one incident in the last two days since we implemented it. Baby Bear had hit Violet and was very upset about the bad sticker. Anyway, please give other ideas, this is a work in progress.
Too tired to think, I will be off to bed before writing more about the week.
Baby bear made me proud by giving the right answer to almost any of his safety questions. Penny made me proud by rattling of a list of at least eight or ten names without thinking when he asked whether there were other grownups they could call if they needed one or wanted to talk to one. Without even thinking. Showing that my support network expands to cover my kids too. They can call any of those people at any moment and know that they can get help if needed. Made me feel good for sure.
Bryan and Penny were more interested in the toys than in the safety discussion. Baby Bear was bouncing all around the room, which usually is Bryan's role. She kept climbing on chairs in such a way that either me or the therapist held down the chair to prevent it from toppling. He remarked that it was kind of funny we were doing that during a discussion about safety.
Anyway, we had a good discussion about safety and what is ok and what is not ok. We also talked about the option of calling 911 if you are afraid someone is really going to hurt you. We did not mention X at all, but it tied in very well with safety plan for when they are at X's house.
I explained to them the difference between calling 911 from home phone or from cell phone. They can locate you from home phone, even if you don't say anything. But they can't do the same thing from cell phone.
We talked about having clear consequences for breaking safety rules. I will take any ideas people have. For now I have designed a sticker system, where you can earn sticker at the end of the day if there were no infractions, and you get a 'bad sticker' for an infraction. People with a smily face sticker will get lollipop as reward, before tooth brushing. This is the big safety rules of 'don't hurt people, don't threaten to hurt people, and don't hurt people's property or threaten to hurt it.' We have had only one incident in the last two days since we implemented it. Baby Bear had hit Violet and was very upset about the bad sticker. Anyway, please give other ideas, this is a work in progress.
Too tired to think, I will be off to bed before writing more about the week.
School
This week Zac missed school on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Yes, that although on Wednesday he came home and told me school was 'horrible.' No specifics though.
Setting up his virtual learning academy courses is taking way longer than we expected.
On Thursday, he told me he wouldn't go on Friday, because he was going to see Mrs Nightingale, his speech therapist. And last time, she wanted to read him a story and he didn't want to hear it, and then she didn't let him leave the room, and it was child abuse! So he couldn't go to school if Mrs Nightingale was going to be there.
Not good.
On Thursday , Violet missed school too, and when I talked to her case manager at school, she had told her 'Well, Zac doesn't go to school, so why would I????'
Setting up his virtual learning academy courses is taking way longer than we expected.
On Thursday, he told me he wouldn't go on Friday, because he was going to see Mrs Nightingale, his speech therapist. And last time, she wanted to read him a story and he didn't want to hear it, and then she didn't let him leave the room, and it was child abuse! So he couldn't go to school if Mrs Nightingale was going to be there.
Not good.
On Thursday , Violet missed school too, and when I talked to her case manager at school, she had told her 'Well, Zac doesn't go to school, so why would I????'
Baby Bear
Baby Bear at 4yo was talking about scary dreams she had. One she could 'push away' and she pushed it away because she knew it was going to be very scary, she was going to die. Then the next scary dream, she couldn't push away, but she didn't want to talk about it, it was too scary.
Immediately after telling me about the dreams, she started talking about 'Zac used to say that he was going to kill us.' Sounds like she is processing things too.
Immediately after telling me about the dreams, she started talking about 'Zac used to say that he was going to kill us.' Sounds like she is processing things too.
Big Meeting
We had big meeting at therapy center with all the kids therapists. X was there too. He didn't know half of the people there. We had Bryan therapist, Zack therapist, Zack case manager, Violet therapist, Penny therapist, the family therapist and the psychiatrist. The only one X really knows is the family therapist.
Zac didn't make it to school, so was with me at the center. He was in the waiting room. X had said he would talk to Zac about the school attendance, but he seems to have forgotten about it. He didn't talk to Zac at the center and hasn't initiated any conversation later this week either.
We talked about the current situation, mostly focused on Zac, but also about the other kids. I told about Baby Bear's scary dream and her talking about how Zac used to threaten to kill everyone. We talked about the Bryan - Zac tensions, and how afraid Bryan is of Zac. We talked about the fact that Zac just stays home and there are no consequences which seem to work enough to get him to school. We talked about Zac not taking ANY personal responsibility, but only blaming others all the time.
They asked 'Mr X, do you see the same kind of behaviors between Bryan and Zac at your house?' He replied 'Well, I always have the kids in groups, so they don't interact. And Penny is an angel when she is at my home and the littles don't fight much either. The older ones seem to be bored, and Zac doesn't have any social skills to interact with his siblings'.
Violet's therapist asked 'Does Zac stay in bed all the time at your house too?' and he said 'Well, Zac didn't really want to come to my house, but that is getting better. And only spends a few hours at a time there.'
I hope the therapists saw how unhelpful it is that he only takes a few at a time, giving me no breaks, even although there is tons of emotional crap going on between the kids. Not that it matters whether they see, but it would make me feel a bit more validated. Yes, I know I am lame :p
Ysa and Violet have slept over two nights last year. Victor and Zac have never slept over. The little ones have occasionally slept over, but only when they insist, and even then, not too often.
Zac and Ysa spent a whole of six hours at X's house since Christmas, so that is not much time to judge their state of mind. But that is a different rant.
We talked about CHINS petion for Zac, Child In Need of Services. This would get the court system involved and might open up some more pathways for him. I don't know, I cannot really see how good or not so good CHINS would be in our particular case, I don't know enough about it yet.
Anyway, lots of talking, not many solutions, but it was good to touch base with everyone.
The psychiatrist asked X whether he had any questions for her. He asked her why Zac's medication got changed. She told him that the prozac didn't seem to be working very well anymore and that it seemed good to try something else. She chose celexa because it also works very well for PTSD, which felt appropriate after all the stuff which has gone on in Zac's life over the last few years. I felt that she at least partly was talking about all the borderline abuse and X's explosions, but I doubt that X got that.
Zac didn't make it to school, so was with me at the center. He was in the waiting room. X had said he would talk to Zac about the school attendance, but he seems to have forgotten about it. He didn't talk to Zac at the center and hasn't initiated any conversation later this week either.
We talked about the current situation, mostly focused on Zac, but also about the other kids. I told about Baby Bear's scary dream and her talking about how Zac used to threaten to kill everyone. We talked about the Bryan - Zac tensions, and how afraid Bryan is of Zac. We talked about the fact that Zac just stays home and there are no consequences which seem to work enough to get him to school. We talked about Zac not taking ANY personal responsibility, but only blaming others all the time.
They asked 'Mr X, do you see the same kind of behaviors between Bryan and Zac at your house?' He replied 'Well, I always have the kids in groups, so they don't interact. And Penny is an angel when she is at my home and the littles don't fight much either. The older ones seem to be bored, and Zac doesn't have any social skills to interact with his siblings'.
Violet's therapist asked 'Does Zac stay in bed all the time at your house too?' and he said 'Well, Zac didn't really want to come to my house, but that is getting better. And only spends a few hours at a time there.'
I hope the therapists saw how unhelpful it is that he only takes a few at a time, giving me no breaks, even although there is tons of emotional crap going on between the kids. Not that it matters whether they see, but it would make me feel a bit more validated. Yes, I know I am lame :p
Ysa and Violet have slept over two nights last year. Victor and Zac have never slept over. The little ones have occasionally slept over, but only when they insist, and even then, not too often.
Zac and Ysa spent a whole of six hours at X's house since Christmas, so that is not much time to judge their state of mind. But that is a different rant.
We talked about CHINS petion for Zac, Child In Need of Services. This would get the court system involved and might open up some more pathways for him. I don't know, I cannot really see how good or not so good CHINS would be in our particular case, I don't know enough about it yet.
Anyway, lots of talking, not many solutions, but it was good to touch base with everyone.
The psychiatrist asked X whether he had any questions for her. He asked her why Zac's medication got changed. She told him that the prozac didn't seem to be working very well anymore and that it seemed good to try something else. She chose celexa because it also works very well for PTSD, which felt appropriate after all the stuff which has gone on in Zac's life over the last few years. I felt that she at least partly was talking about all the borderline abuse and X's explosions, but I doubt that X got that.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Fucking Bitch
Last week, Violet had a school concert, and it was Zac's turn to go with me. He was not amused. He got really verbally aggressive, using lots of words like Fucking Bitch, and he also made it very clear that it was Bryan's fault for keeping him awake at night, my fault for telling Vincent to play computer in the middle of the night. But mostly Bryan's fault because he was always so annoying!
Gah.
He eventually did come, but spent his time reading a book in the car, which was just fine with me. But the verbal abuse really wore me out. And the fact that there is no responsibility taking worries me too.
Gah.
He eventually did come, but spent his time reading a book in the car, which was just fine with me. But the verbal abuse really wore me out. And the fact that there is no responsibility taking worries me too.
Bryan Psychiatrist
On Wednesday, Bryan saw the psychiatrist. She felt that there wasn't anything to diagnose him with right now, but she did recommend some melatonin for helping him falling asleep at night.
She did recommend public school, for which I can see pros, but also huge contras. I don't think that he is ready to be in school yet. For now I am focusing on giving him tons of love and tons of exercise. Last night, I took a nice night time walk with him and two siblings. We saw the Big Dipper, Orion and Venus and it was quite lovely.
She felt that he had been bullied by Zac, and there also were issues with Penny, and with Ysa. The Penny issues for sure are better, and we are working on the Zac and Ysa issues.
She did recommend public school, for which I can see pros, but also huge contras. I don't think that he is ready to be in school yet. For now I am focusing on giving him tons of love and tons of exercise. Last night, I took a nice night time walk with him and two siblings. We saw the Big Dipper, Orion and Venus and it was quite lovely.
She felt that he had been bullied by Zac, and there also were issues with Penny, and with Ysa. The Penny issues for sure are better, and we are working on the Zac and Ysa issues.
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