Today, there was some killing talk from Bryan and Violet, and Penny erupted loudly and hit Violet. It was while playing with candy and gummi bears, so I did not take it too seriously, although I made it Very Clear to Bryan and Violet that this was not appropriate.
Bryan was so upset by my admonishments that he hid in another room under a blanket for a while, although I could talk him out again. After a while he went back to the table and participated in the games.
About ten minutes later, I needed to talk to Zac about something. I went to his room, and was in the middle of a serious discussion when Baby Bear showed up. I didn't want her to overhear, so I said 'Bear, I need to talk to Zac for a few minutes, why don't you go downstairs and I'll be there soon?' She did not quite want to comply and after a bit of thinking came up with 'There might be killing talk...', followed closely, but after a moment's pause 'soon!'
Um... ok ^^
Good try, darling, but it didn't quite work. It made me chuckle to myself though. I guess it is half sad, but also half funny how Baby Bear is figuring out how to work the system.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sigh :(
Last Thursday, I had to leave home for a while, but there were enough older kids at home. One unexpected issue was that, while I was gone, Bryan arranged a visit with his dad to stay over for the night, but I couldn't come up with good excuse why not.
Friday morning, Bryan arrived home shortly before we left for therapy. In therapy, some shocking Zac behavior came to light.
Ysa had walked the dog and came inside with a burr on her clothing. Zac and Bryan were in the computer room. Ysa put the burr into Zac's hair. Zac retaliated by taking it out and putting it in her hair. Not so good, but not so bad either.
Zac must have gotten bored of the game and turned towards Bryan. He grabbed the front of his t-shirt, and stuck the burr to the inside of Bryan's t-shirt. Explaining to Bryan that his skin will absorb this and he will die. Ysa confirms the story 'Yes Bryan, now you will die!'
Bryan tries to get the burr out of his shirt, and Zac tries to prevent him from doing so, until Bryan just takes off his shirt. Ysa is siding with Zac.
Not good :( So incredibly mean and aggressive to a kid who is hurting so much already. And even if Zac doesn't 'see' all the hurts, he does damned well know that Bryan has been using suicidal words for a while now, and has had bad incidents, so there was no excuse.
The new plan is not to leave the house with both Zac and Bryan there. Victor is not a bad baby sitter, but I feel that the scope of this is beyond what I can expect a 17yo to monitor and react to.
My 'duh' moment came when I was mentally figuring out where I could find places for Bryan to stay when I had to go out. Suddenly I realized that I also could leave Bryan home and take Zac with me to many places. After all, he was the aggressive one. He will just love that :p
With the med change, there is No Way I will leave them together. The med change is a period of transition for Zac, so I know I can expect possibly more problems, so will have to plan accordingly.
One of those life complications I did not particularly need.
Friday morning, Bryan arrived home shortly before we left for therapy. In therapy, some shocking Zac behavior came to light.
Ysa had walked the dog and came inside with a burr on her clothing. Zac and Bryan were in the computer room. Ysa put the burr into Zac's hair. Zac retaliated by taking it out and putting it in her hair. Not so good, but not so bad either.
Zac must have gotten bored of the game and turned towards Bryan. He grabbed the front of his t-shirt, and stuck the burr to the inside of Bryan's t-shirt. Explaining to Bryan that his skin will absorb this and he will die. Ysa confirms the story 'Yes Bryan, now you will die!'
Bryan tries to get the burr out of his shirt, and Zac tries to prevent him from doing so, until Bryan just takes off his shirt. Ysa is siding with Zac.
Not good :( So incredibly mean and aggressive to a kid who is hurting so much already. And even if Zac doesn't 'see' all the hurts, he does damned well know that Bryan has been using suicidal words for a while now, and has had bad incidents, so there was no excuse.
The new plan is not to leave the house with both Zac and Bryan there. Victor is not a bad baby sitter, but I feel that the scope of this is beyond what I can expect a 17yo to monitor and react to.
My 'duh' moment came when I was mentally figuring out where I could find places for Bryan to stay when I had to go out. Suddenly I realized that I also could leave Bryan home and take Zac with me to many places. After all, he was the aggressive one. He will just love that :p
With the med change, there is No Way I will leave them together. The med change is a period of transition for Zac, so I know I can expect possibly more problems, so will have to plan accordingly.
One of those life complications I did not particularly need.
New Meds for Zac
About a month ago, we increased Zac's prozac to 40 mg. We did not see very clear effects, and he still feels somewhat subdued, and scored depressed on depression scale.
On Thursday we saw therapist, and she wants to try him on Celexa. We will decrease prozac to 20 mg for a week, and then start with the Celexa. I hope it will work better for him!
On Thursday we saw therapist, and she wants to try him on Celexa. We will decrease prozac to 20 mg for a week, and then start with the Celexa. I hope it will work better for him!
School Week
This week, we had Zac and Violet both be absent one day out of the four (Monday was a holiday). Violet was 'not feeling well' and Zac was 'feeling horrible'. That was after first claiming he was too tired. After 10 minutes he switched to 'I am sick, I have a sore throat and it is all because of YOU! Because YOU made me shovel the driveway!' The poor dear.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Family Therapist
I spoke briefly with family therapist today and updated him on calling DCYF. He asked whether I had brought up any of those things with the children's father. I told him I could not, there is too much going on emotionally, preventing me from it. I told him I feel violated each time the father comes into the house and walks into the computer room to find me, even although I did go there to make sure to NOT see him. I also printed email explaining more and left that for him when I went in for Bryan's emergency.
Maybe I should sleep.
Maybe I should sleep.
Community College
Zac had his second math class at the community college today. He is enjoying it, and says he can do most of the problems in his head. He also says it is great to have much longer time for the class (3.5 hours)
Tomorrow, back to school, new semester. I hope he will get out of bed. It is hard to always deal with the uncertainty 'Will he make it to school today? Will he not?'
Oh well. I am glad he is positive about college. Violet was amazed 'Zac is going to COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!?????'
Tomorrow, back to school, new semester. I hope he will get out of bed. It is hard to always deal with the uncertainty 'Will he make it to school today? Will he not?'
Oh well. I am glad he is positive about college. Violet was amazed 'Zac is going to COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!?????'
Monday, January 19, 2009
Bryan Is OK.
Phew.
Bryan was really resisting the idea of going to see a therapist today. 'I am not going.' 'I am not going to be in the car.' Wow, did that bring back memories from the times with Zac.
Eventually I talked him into coming, since we were going to pick up Vincent and eat something at McDonalds. Now that was something he could agree to, he was willing to put up with the therapist if it was followed by junk food. Works for me.
The therapist was a grandfatherly type, very calm. One of those people who you could tell your whole sorry life story, and have him give you reassuring verbal pats on your back and tell you you are going to be alright.
'So Bryan, I heard that you are not having a very good day today. I heard you made some good decisions, and some bad decisions. What is going on?'
Bryan, sliding off his chair 'I don't remember.'
Therapist 'Hmmmmm, it is not that long ago, why don't you try to remember what happened.'
Bryan, pointing to me, wriggling, putting his legs up on the chair 'She can tell!'
Therapist 'I really would like to hear from you what happened.'
Bryan, refusing 'No! Ask her!'
I told the whole story, and handed the therapist my written notes about the incident, since I serendipitously had printed my blog entry. I also handed him summary on the other issues going on over the last few weeks and said a few words about DCYF.
The therapist talked to me for a few minutes and then got back to Bryan, who finally started telling his story. Copiously interspersed with hand movements and body language. New information: when he was in bath room, he tried to put plastic bag over his head and close it with dental floss. He hadn't told me that while it was going on. He told the therapist that the bag was too small and it didn't work. He also told the therapist how he had seen Zac put a plastic bag over his head, but he used rubber band to try to close it. Gotta love male role models :p
He said he came out of the bath room when I went to get the phone, because he was afraid of going to the hospital. The therapist said it was a good decision to get out of the bath room, and that if the police had come he definitely would have ended up at the hospital.
We talked a bit more, the therapist did a very good job of being pleasant, and also kind of stern about the bad decisions Bryan had been making. The therapist said he would like to talk to Bryan by himself now, which Bryan did not like at all. He desperately wanted me there, but after a few minutes we could convince him that he would be ok even without me.
They talked for quite a while, and after they came out, I got to talk to the therapist by myself for a few minutes. The therapist said I had done all the right things, and that he felt that Bryan was not in any imminent danger. 'He loves you to death' (hmmmm, looking back that is funny phrasing in his profession and given the reason for coming in) and he did not really want to die at all.
The therapist explained it as 'When we were young, we would threaten to run away from home when we were unhappy about something. Of course, our parents would just pack a suitcase for us, and wave. So that wouldn't last long.' Nowadays, kids don't threaten to run away anymore, now they tend to make statements about wanting to kill themselves. It is a lot harder to say 'Here, have a rope and go ahead.' Interesting observation.
He also said Bryan was struggling with feelings of rejection, although he didn't quite mention the ex, it was what I heard between the lines. X often says 'Not today, not now, too much work, too much laundry.' I don't know.
We went to McDonalds, and I was happy I didn't end up in the ER or the child psych ward. I had mentally been preparing for that possibility. The rest of the day, Bryan was just fine.
Bryan was really resisting the idea of going to see a therapist today. 'I am not going.' 'I am not going to be in the car.' Wow, did that bring back memories from the times with Zac.
Eventually I talked him into coming, since we were going to pick up Vincent and eat something at McDonalds. Now that was something he could agree to, he was willing to put up with the therapist if it was followed by junk food. Works for me.
The therapist was a grandfatherly type, very calm. One of those people who you could tell your whole sorry life story, and have him give you reassuring verbal pats on your back and tell you you are going to be alright.
'So Bryan, I heard that you are not having a very good day today. I heard you made some good decisions, and some bad decisions. What is going on?'
Bryan, sliding off his chair 'I don't remember.'
Therapist 'Hmmmmm, it is not that long ago, why don't you try to remember what happened.'
Bryan, pointing to me, wriggling, putting his legs up on the chair 'She can tell!'
Therapist 'I really would like to hear from you what happened.'
Bryan, refusing 'No! Ask her!'
I told the whole story, and handed the therapist my written notes about the incident, since I serendipitously had printed my blog entry. I also handed him summary on the other issues going on over the last few weeks and said a few words about DCYF.
The therapist talked to me for a few minutes and then got back to Bryan, who finally started telling his story. Copiously interspersed with hand movements and body language. New information: when he was in bath room, he tried to put plastic bag over his head and close it with dental floss. He hadn't told me that while it was going on. He told the therapist that the bag was too small and it didn't work. He also told the therapist how he had seen Zac put a plastic bag over his head, but he used rubber band to try to close it. Gotta love male role models :p
He said he came out of the bath room when I went to get the phone, because he was afraid of going to the hospital. The therapist said it was a good decision to get out of the bath room, and that if the police had come he definitely would have ended up at the hospital.
We talked a bit more, the therapist did a very good job of being pleasant, and also kind of stern about the bad decisions Bryan had been making. The therapist said he would like to talk to Bryan by himself now, which Bryan did not like at all. He desperately wanted me there, but after a few minutes we could convince him that he would be ok even without me.
They talked for quite a while, and after they came out, I got to talk to the therapist by myself for a few minutes. The therapist said I had done all the right things, and that he felt that Bryan was not in any imminent danger. 'He loves you to death' (hmmmm, looking back that is funny phrasing in his profession and given the reason for coming in) and he did not really want to die at all.
The therapist explained it as 'When we were young, we would threaten to run away from home when we were unhappy about something. Of course, our parents would just pack a suitcase for us, and wave. So that wouldn't last long.' Nowadays, kids don't threaten to run away anymore, now they tend to make statements about wanting to kill themselves. It is a lot harder to say 'Here, have a rope and go ahead.' Interesting observation.
He also said Bryan was struggling with feelings of rejection, although he didn't quite mention the ex, it was what I heard between the lines. X often says 'Not today, not now, too much work, too much laundry.' I don't know.
We went to McDonalds, and I was happy I didn't end up in the ER or the child psych ward. I had mentally been preparing for that possibility. The rest of the day, Bryan was just fine.
Send Good Energy to Bryan
Today, the girls were baking cupcakes, and Bryan wanted to make himself macaroni and cheese. They opened the oven door to take out the cup cakes and he moved in to use the microwave. I said 'Bryan! Stay back for a minute so they can get the cupcakes and you won't get hurt.'
He threw down his mac / cheese package, and ran away screaming 'YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE YOUR KIDS!' I followed him up to my room, where he had locked the door and refused to open it. I talked through the door 'I love you, Bryan' and he kept repeating 'NO!! YOU HATE ME!!!' I went and got something to open the door, and managed to open it, although it was really hard, since he was sitting in front of it, and bracing himself so that I could hardly move him.
When I finally got in, he ran to the bath room and locked that door. I decided not to try to open that, since he hadn't made self hurting statements yet, but I talked to him through the door. His verbalizations changed from 'You hate me' to 'I want to kill myself' and 'You will NEVER get in!'
I started working on the door, all the while talking 'How would you kill yourself?'
He replied 'I will take a hair elastic and put it around my neck.'
By now I had opened the door, and found out he had used a drawer to make it so that I could not open the door more than a crack.
By now he was getting more upset 'The hair elastic won't work' closely followed by 'I will use floss instead!' I still wasn't able to open the door, so ran down to grab phone and call 911 if needed. I went back up and by then he had opened the door and was out, but still was talking about killing himself.
When he sat down with a cupcake and I asked him 'What can I do for you?' he said 'Kill me.'
I have emergency appointment for him at 3:30pm.
And I called DCYF to report possible issues at X.
He threw down his mac / cheese package, and ran away screaming 'YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE YOUR KIDS!' I followed him up to my room, where he had locked the door and refused to open it. I talked through the door 'I love you, Bryan' and he kept repeating 'NO!! YOU HATE ME!!!' I went and got something to open the door, and managed to open it, although it was really hard, since he was sitting in front of it, and bracing himself so that I could hardly move him.
When I finally got in, he ran to the bath room and locked that door. I decided not to try to open that, since he hadn't made self hurting statements yet, but I talked to him through the door. His verbalizations changed from 'You hate me' to 'I want to kill myself' and 'You will NEVER get in!'
I started working on the door, all the while talking 'How would you kill yourself?'
He replied 'I will take a hair elastic and put it around my neck.'
By now I had opened the door, and found out he had used a drawer to make it so that I could not open the door more than a crack.
By now he was getting more upset 'The hair elastic won't work' closely followed by 'I will use floss instead!' I still wasn't able to open the door, so ran down to grab phone and call 911 if needed. I went back up and by then he had opened the door and was out, but still was talking about killing himself.
When he sat down with a cupcake and I asked him 'What can I do for you?' he said 'Kill me.'
I have emergency appointment for him at 3:30pm.
And I called DCYF to report possible issues at X.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Zac's Week
One glitch on Tuesday, but the rest of the week he did make it to his exams. I sooooooo hope he passes them all, so we can cross those of the list of credits to get. He will start new schedule on Tuesday, send positive energy that it will work better than the old one.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I don't LIKE that sound!
Baby Bear seems to be verbalizing sensory issues.
Today when the furnace came on, covering her ears with her hands, and running out of the room.
Today, friend was over who was wearing snow suit, so you heard the swish-swish sound of her snow suit every step she took. 'S!!!!!!!!!!! That sound is hurting me! Take off your snow suit!'
Hmmmmm
Today when the furnace came on, covering her ears with her hands, and running out of the room.
Today, friend was over who was wearing snow suit, so you heard the swish-swish sound of her snow suit every step she took. 'S!!!!!!!!!!! That sound is hurting me! Take off your snow suit!'
Hmmmmm
Friday, January 16, 2009
Bryan Therapy Today
Interesting therapy today for Bryan. He has been using suicidal words a lot this week. I would say a few times a day on average. Yes, I should keep track of exact happenings, and how often. It seems to be his first line when he is upset / frustrated, or at least one of his first lines.
The good news is that he didn't share any specific plans or actually try to hurt himself. I have a psychiatric evaluation set up for him on March 3rd.
He was not very into 'talking' today, doing a lot of avoidant turning away and being engrossed in playing with matchbox cars when the conversation turned harder for him.
We talked about the kicking incident at X.
'Where did X kick you'
'I don't remember'
'What were you doing?'
'I was being annoying, I was repeating the same word over and over'
'Did he ask you to stop using his words at first?'
'Yes, he did.'
'Could you tell that he was getting annoyed with you?'
'No.'
'Hmmmm, we have to find a way to help you before X gets physical.'
I asked Penny, she didn't witness it. I haven't asked Baby Bear yet.
She tried to make a 'feelings thermometer' with him, but not very successfully. He was wholly unfocused.
He talked about how he didn't feel safe at home when I am not there. 'Zack plants bombs in my room. Time bombs. They go off every five minutes.' It is almost like he is verbalizing the Zack stress in a very visual and violent way. I drew a floor plan of our second floor, to show where all the rooms were to explain to therapist. Bryan added picture of a bomb under his bed, and then a big explosion and a 'BOOM!' He was running out of the house.
Hmmm, makes one wonder.
The good news is that he didn't share any specific plans or actually try to hurt himself. I have a psychiatric evaluation set up for him on March 3rd.
He was not very into 'talking' today, doing a lot of avoidant turning away and being engrossed in playing with matchbox cars when the conversation turned harder for him.
We talked about the kicking incident at X.
'Where did X kick you'
'I don't remember'
'What were you doing?'
'I was being annoying, I was repeating the same word over and over'
'Did he ask you to stop using his words at first?'
'Yes, he did.'
'Could you tell that he was getting annoyed with you?'
'No.'
'Hmmmm, we have to find a way to help you before X gets physical.'
I asked Penny, she didn't witness it. I haven't asked Baby Bear yet.
She tried to make a 'feelings thermometer' with him, but not very successfully. He was wholly unfocused.
He talked about how he didn't feel safe at home when I am not there. 'Zack plants bombs in my room. Time bombs. They go off every five minutes.' It is almost like he is verbalizing the Zack stress in a very visual and violent way. I drew a floor plan of our second floor, to show where all the rooms were to explain to therapist. Bryan added picture of a bomb under his bed, and then a big explosion and a 'BOOM!' He was running out of the house.
Hmmm, makes one wonder.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Good College Experience, but No School Today
Last night, Zack started his Algebra 1 course at the community college. He said it was so much better than high school. But today school was impossible again. I could NOT get him out of bed.
Luckily my ex was here to get pick up another kid. I was like ok, let HIM try for a change (this is the very first time ever that he even TRIED to get Zack out of bed for school). I told him 'You are in luck, Zack doesn't want to get to school, why don't you try?'. So he tried and tried and tried. Talking didn't work. He eventually even managed to get him downstairs, by physically pulling his arm. I did not like that very much. He asked Victor for help but Victor said 'That doesn't feel right to me' Then he asked me for help pushing Zack and I also said 'That doesn't feel right to me' :p
So he let go and Zack went right back to bed. By then the school bus showed up, so I volunteered the ex to tell the school bus driver he showed up for nothing :p Usually I call them, but this time it had taken more time than usual.
Good things:
- The ex FINALLY witnessed how impossible it is to get Zack to school. I am not sure whether he had any idea about the severity of the refusal.
- This proved that even physically getting him out of bed by stronger person does not make Zack go to school. Not sure why that is good, but at least it made me feel like less of a failure for not being able to carry 120 lbs of unwilling teenager to the bus ^^
- The ex could feel the suckiness of telling schoolbus driver 'Not today'. Usually I am able to avoid it by calling in time, but sometimes the bus driver makes a useless run (Zack is only one being picked up at this time of day)
Today Zack's therapist did depression screening, and he shows up depressed again, so will have to figure out what to do for that. I think I'll use it as a good way to go to the gym again, both for his exercise and my exercise and a 'just Zack and me' moment.
Next three days are exams. I will do my darndest best to get him to school. Send good vibes!
Luckily my ex was here to get pick up another kid. I was like ok, let HIM try for a change (this is the very first time ever that he even TRIED to get Zack out of bed for school). I told him 'You are in luck, Zack doesn't want to get to school, why don't you try?'. So he tried and tried and tried. Talking didn't work. He eventually even managed to get him downstairs, by physically pulling his arm. I did not like that very much. He asked Victor for help but Victor said 'That doesn't feel right to me' Then he asked me for help pushing Zack and I also said 'That doesn't feel right to me' :p
So he let go and Zack went right back to bed. By then the school bus showed up, so I volunteered the ex to tell the school bus driver he showed up for nothing :p Usually I call them, but this time it had taken more time than usual.
Good things:
- The ex FINALLY witnessed how impossible it is to get Zack to school. I am not sure whether he had any idea about the severity of the refusal.
- This proved that even physically getting him out of bed by stronger person does not make Zack go to school. Not sure why that is good, but at least it made me feel like less of a failure for not being able to carry 120 lbs of unwilling teenager to the bus ^^
- The ex could feel the suckiness of telling schoolbus driver 'Not today'. Usually I am able to avoid it by calling in time, but sometimes the bus driver makes a useless run (Zack is only one being picked up at this time of day)
Today Zack's therapist did depression screening, and he shows up depressed again, so will have to figure out what to do for that. I think I'll use it as a good way to go to the gym again, both for his exercise and my exercise and a 'just Zack and me' moment.
Next three days are exams. I will do my darndest best to get him to school. Send good vibes!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Penny
Penny has been having more physical aggression issues again lately, so at her therapy we decided on 'no spanking, no physical violence' goal again. Three days of no aggression will get her a prize.
No idea how the kids started spanking each other, Penny says it got initiated by the older girls. I know I don't spank, but their father occasionally has spanked them in the past. No idea whether it started from there, or whether it is just one of those child prank like things. Last incident , Penny was trying to get Bryan to kick her, so she could spank him, and during spanking tape a 'Kick me!' piece of paper to his butt. Um...
There is so much wrong about that, I can't even start :p
One flashback *I* have about the spanking issue. When their father still lived here, and he was mad at Penny for something, he threatened to spank her. She turned towards him, put her hands on her hips, and defiantly replies 'Well, you have spanked me before, and I survived it, I will just survive it again!' That is my girl!
No idea how the kids started spanking each other, Penny says it got initiated by the older girls. I know I don't spank, but their father occasionally has spanked them in the past. No idea whether it started from there, or whether it is just one of those child prank like things. Last incident , Penny was trying to get Bryan to kick her, so she could spank him, and during spanking tape a 'Kick me!' piece of paper to his butt. Um...
There is so much wrong about that, I can't even start :p
One flashback *I* have about the spanking issue. When their father still lived here, and he was mad at Penny for something, he threatened to spank her. She turned towards him, put her hands on her hips, and defiantly replies 'Well, you have spanked me before, and I survived it, I will just survive it again!' That is my girl!
Bryan
Bryan had another bad 'I want to kill myself!' episode on Saturday night. He was upset that he couldn't make hot chocolate RIGHT NOW (Ysette was using the stove and I told him to wait ten minutes). So he was going to kill himself, and he was hitting himself on the head with different objects. First a toy hammer (plastic, thank god), then a 1.5 gallons bottle of bottles water. Gah. The trying to hurt himself makes those episodes more scary and stressful than if he 'only' would say it.
I am soooooooooo tired of people wanting to kill themselves around me :p
He had another 'i want to kill myself' on Wednesday morning because he didn't want to go to the Science Museum. This felt more like a transition than a frustration / anger thing. He didn't act or tell us how, just told me he would kill himself if he had to go to the museum. He wanted to stay home and play computer.
He went and had a great time. I was home and was too exhausted to do much useful things, even if I did some.
Today he had therapy, and she tried to figure out why the 'I want to kill myself' comes up and she asked him how other people in the family deal with frustration / anger. Here are his answers
Interesting assessments. I'll have to figure out whether Victor hitting was recent or not, at least Victor is easy to talk to and reason with if needed. I think it has not happened any time recently, but I want to make sure.
She recommended that Bryan gets a psychiatric evaluation with the psychiatrist. Gah. I don't think he needs medication, I sooooooooooooooo do not want another of the kids to have meds if I can avoid it. For now I am going to assume that he just mimics suicidal ideation behaviour he has seen at home, but I have to admit that the fact that he is making plans (his own ideas) is kinda worrisome. Parenting is not for sissies!
I am soooooooooo tired of people wanting to kill themselves around me :p
He had another 'i want to kill myself' on Wednesday morning because he didn't want to go to the Science Museum. This felt more like a transition than a frustration / anger thing. He didn't act or tell us how, just told me he would kill himself if he had to go to the museum. He wanted to stay home and play computer.
He went and had a great time. I was home and was too exhausted to do much useful things, even if I did some.
Today he had therapy, and she tried to figure out why the 'I want to kill myself' comes up and she asked him how other people in the family deal with frustration / anger. Here are his answers
- Victor hits , but almost never gets angry;
- Zack doesn't get angry either (see, we DO have improvement over last year, when Zack kept going around wanting to kill Bryan and us all);
- Ysette talks in a very mean voice, and lectures;
- Violet never gets frustrated / angry;
- Penny hits and screams;
- Baby Bear cries and slams the door and runs to Victor and Zack.
Interesting assessments. I'll have to figure out whether Victor hitting was recent or not, at least Victor is easy to talk to and reason with if needed. I think it has not happened any time recently, but I want to make sure.
She recommended that Bryan gets a psychiatric evaluation with the psychiatrist. Gah. I don't think he needs medication, I sooooooooooooooo do not want another of the kids to have meds if I can avoid it. For now I am going to assume that he just mimics suicidal ideation behaviour he has seen at home, but I have to admit that the fact that he is making plans (his own ideas) is kinda worrisome. Parenting is not for sissies!
Violet
Violet missed school once this week. She went to bed later than usual on Monday (Bryan made a cake) but didn't communicate much beyond grunts after the first refusal to get up.
Her therapist did point out to me that for Violet it usually is tiredness, nothing more, so that is encouraging. Sometimes it is easy to be holding a hammer and everything suddenly looks like a nail.
Her case manager at school is going to set up a reward system for her. If she makes it to school every day of the week, she gets time to read or hang out in library on Friday afternoon. It is one of those life skills that one still has to make it to work/ school even if one goes to bed late the night before.
Her therapist did point out to me that for Violet it usually is tiredness, nothing more, so that is encouraging. Sometimes it is easy to be holding a hammer and everything suddenly looks like a nail.
Her case manager at school is going to set up a reward system for her. If she makes it to school every day of the week, she gets time to read or hang out in library on Friday afternoon. It is one of those life skills that one still has to make it to work/ school even if one goes to bed late the night before.
Zac's Week
Phew, I think we are over the worst of the Zack crisis for now. Monday was bad. Monday night was bad when Gopher sent him email, telling him that he was in danger of failing every subject for the first semester thanks to his absences. He was all 'I fucked up so badly. I always fuck up everything' He also curled up in fetal position (popular position in my house :p) and explained that school wasn't safe with all those school shootings.
I talked about everyone fucking up things at time, but that the first step to fix it is to actually show up at school. He told me he would not be going. I said why don't you first sleep and then we'll talk about it.
Next morning, I needed to do some convincing, but HE WENT TO SCHOOL! To make sure we kept cosmic balance, Violet stayed home though, but her troubles are less severe. In the afternoon, when I asked Zack how school went, his reply was 'fine' OK, fine... Good enough I guess. Just a tad amusing after all the angst and dramatics.
I am not sure what convinced him, Victor said he thought Zac really wanted to do a dungeon run for World of Warcrafts, and he isn't allowed computer play if he doesn't go to school. Well, whatever works.
I am still wondering about Zack's medication, but his issues feel less like a crisis at the moment. And he went to school all the rest of the week! Wow! Next week is different with exams, will be interesting. Hope he will make it and then we'll start the new schedule. Next week, he also will start weekly classes at the community college.
Send good school vibes!
I talked about everyone fucking up things at time, but that the first step to fix it is to actually show up at school. He told me he would not be going. I said why don't you first sleep and then we'll talk about it.
Next morning, I needed to do some convincing, but HE WENT TO SCHOOL! To make sure we kept cosmic balance, Violet stayed home though, but her troubles are less severe. In the afternoon, when I asked Zack how school went, his reply was 'fine' OK, fine... Good enough I guess. Just a tad amusing after all the angst and dramatics.
I am not sure what convinced him, Victor said he thought Zac really wanted to do a dungeon run for World of Warcrafts, and he isn't allowed computer play if he doesn't go to school. Well, whatever works.
I am still wondering about Zack's medication, but his issues feel less like a crisis at the moment. And he went to school all the rest of the week! Wow! Next week is different with exams, will be interesting. Hope he will make it and then we'll start the new schedule. Next week, he also will start weekly classes at the community college.
Send good school vibes!
Monday, January 5, 2009
No Go for Zac
Today was first day back to school for Zack. I woke him up, and he was wholly uncooperative. He was sitting up for a while, and I could talk to him.Some snippets:
Me, making sure to radiate positive energy 'Zac, it is time to get up.'
Him, depressed voice 'Everything at school will go wrong anyway.'
Me 'Give me three examples of things which you think will go wrong.'
Him 'Some idiot will write a bomb treat on the bath room wall.' 'School is a dangerous place, people die in schools, you know.' 'And the copying! I cannot deal with the copying! The copying will kill me!' (accompanied by him curling up in ball and covering himself with a blanket)
After digging him out a few times we get the old favorite 'We are all going to die anyway!' later followed by 'Everyone at school wants me to die.' When I point out that nobody at school wants him to die, he counters with a triumphant 'Well, NO ONE at school will jump in front of me when someone shoots a bullet at me!'
I talked about hanging in there for just one week, like we had talked about in the meeting, and I went into the whole 'you want to go to college' thing, but there was no buy in AT ALL today. He ended up curling up in ball again, and pulling blankets over his head and was not responsive anymore.
I don't know, I will call the therapy center and talk to the people there.
Same old, same frustrations, same illogical reasonings and thoughts.
Me, making sure to radiate positive energy 'Zac, it is time to get up.'
Him, depressed voice 'Everything at school will go wrong anyway.'
Me 'Give me three examples of things which you think will go wrong.'
Him 'Some idiot will write a bomb treat on the bath room wall.' 'School is a dangerous place, people die in schools, you know.' 'And the copying! I cannot deal with the copying! The copying will kill me!' (accompanied by him curling up in ball and covering himself with a blanket)
After digging him out a few times we get the old favorite 'We are all going to die anyway!' later followed by 'Everyone at school wants me to die.' When I point out that nobody at school wants him to die, he counters with a triumphant 'Well, NO ONE at school will jump in front of me when someone shoots a bullet at me!'
I talked about hanging in there for just one week, like we had talked about in the meeting, and I went into the whole 'you want to go to college' thing, but there was no buy in AT ALL today. He ended up curling up in ball again, and pulling blankets over his head and was not responsive anymore.
I don't know, I will call the therapy center and talk to the people there.
Same old, same frustrations, same illogical reasonings and thoughts.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A New Day
Today is a new day, and I realized that sitting on my butt and waiting for someone to support me in my role of supporting everyone else in the family is not going to happen. I am the primary responsible person for me, so after I write this email, I will walk away from my computer and take the dog out for a nice hike in our snow covered woods.
I think a lot of the Bryan stuff is feeling much safer than he did before. He used to Totally Withdraw during temper tantrums, just laying there, not responding to anything. People would ask me whether he had a seizure. Now that the atmosphere in the house is safer, he feels free to speak up, he just needs to learn the socially acceptable words to speak up. And so do I. Whining is not getting me anywhere,
but taking charge of myself is. The dog will be my guide back into daily exercise, since it has been too easy to blame my life for not doing enough physical stuff.
Gah, I sound rambling, but I feel positive, and just wanted to share.
Life is good. Go and spread some love today!
I think a lot of the Bryan stuff is feeling much safer than he did before. He used to Totally Withdraw during temper tantrums, just laying there, not responding to anything. People would ask me whether he had a seizure. Now that the atmosphere in the house is safer, he feels free to speak up, he just needs to learn the socially acceptable words to speak up. And so do I. Whining is not getting me anywhere,
but taking charge of myself is. The dog will be my guide back into daily exercise, since it has been too easy to blame my life for not doing enough physical stuff.
Gah, I sound rambling, but I feel positive, and just wanted to share.
Life is good. Go and spread some love today!
Don't Forget the Positives
Tonight, my house has 10 kids, and there is so much positive energy. They are making up plays, dressing up, playing with fire (don't ask),and having a great time. A year ago, I couldn't have done this. We have made a ton of progress. The big picture is good, just need to figure out all the details and get them right. Piece of cake!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Bryan
I don't think I ever mentioned, but Bryan (7) started therapy too a few months ago. He had a suicidal ideation incident on New Year's Eve. It all ended well, but it was quite stressful, and I am still kinda out of sorts from it.
New Year's Eve, early evening, I decide to take a break before making donuts. I grab a book, a cup of tea and head upstairs, installing myself in my bedroom. About ten minutes later, first kid finds me (Penny), slowly all five younger ones come in. I am slightly amused by the way my break isn't quite happening, but enjoy having them all here and talk and hang out.
My bedroom was a mess, mattresses and blankets everywhere, because Bryan had his friend sleep over the night before. No problem, but made it hard to walk in the bedroom, so I had mentally tagged this area as 'needs pickup desperately' Wasn't particularly urgent on New Year's Eve though.
Kids hang out, and at some point, Bryan starts using cat toys and mattresses and blankets as a slide off my bed, and I am a bit worried about either him getting hurt, someone on the floor getting hurt, or the cat toy getting broken.This is one of those 'cat condo' toys, but a small one. Not to mention that those mattresses (crib mattresses) are not in the best condition anyway, and I didn't want him to use them as slide for that reason either. I tell him to stop, but he is not listening and continues to do it.
Figuring that this time is as good as any, I decide to start cleaning up mattresses and blankets from the floor to make the floor visible and walkable again. I start cleaning up, get the mattresses in and start folding blankets, Bryan is not happy I am cleaning up, but doesn't seem super upset either.
He start entering the closet and wanting to take out blankets. I say 'No Bryan, don't mess up my closet!' and he immediatly escalates into 'You hate me! No one loves me, I just want to kill myself!' He flings himself on the floor and pulls another blanket over himself. I sit down with him and say many things like 'Bryan, I love you. We do not want you to die, we would miss you too much.' and many others. I take him in my arms and he gets even more upset starts screaming REALLY loud, kicking, flailing, very very upset. I am sitting on floor, holding my arms around him, just riding it out till he hopefully calms down, telling him that we love him in between his screaming. He retorts with 'No, you HATE me!'
He starts trying to put blanket in his mouth to choke himself. He says 'I will eat this blanket till I die.' He also just tries to bury himself in blanket, saying he will die. He tells me that if he can't kill himself, he will just kill me. I remember all the times when Zac was like this, 1.5 years ago, and remember the many many hours I spent in the emergency room with him. I think about how sucky it would be to spend this new years eve in the emergency room, together with all the local drunks, and have the kids celebrate NYE without me and Bryan. I take a deep breath and focus on the task at hand, keeping every one safe. I briefly long for a life in which I could start oliebollen and actually make them without yet another crisis.
He breaks out of my arms and runs to the bath room, telling us 'I am going to shut myself in the bath room, stick my head in the toilet, and flush, so that I will drown!' I am unable to stop him (I wasn't holding him very tightly, just my arms around him, but not doing tight safety hold), so I send Penny downstairs to get something to open bath room door while I talk to him through door. I hear sounds, including flushing, but he talks and moves after the flushing, so I sigh with relief and wait for Penny. By the time Penny is back, he has opened the door again and is back to screaming and kicking and using blankets to try to stuff in his mouth. Penny brings him some chocolate kitty animal crackers to cheer him up, but he is totally uninterested in those.
I ask him whether he really wants to kill himself, or whether this is his way of saying that he is upset with me. He just screams. And keeps talking about killing himself. I explain to him about safety and keeping him safe and keeping every one safe. I explain to him about suicide watch and how it is no fun at all, tying back in to last year's Zac hospitalizations. Penny, Violet, Yvette, and Maria are still there and listening. too. I think it is not a bad thing that they get the lecture too, although it makes me sad that Maria gets to hear it at 4yo. She is growing up way too fast, I want to protect her from some of life's realities, but it is not happening.
I am very close to calling our Emergency Services, and talking to them , but I know that I do not want to go to the ER unless it is unavoidable. I feel capable to judge for myself, I have too much experience :p I also know that I am hoping to avoid hospitalization, but I feel that we came dangerously close that night.
Eventually he calms down enough and stops talking about wanting to kill himself and I try to get promise that he won't hurt himself, but I never get promise. He really wants me to start making donuts though, and during all this he said things like 'If you really loved me you would give me donuts RIGHT now!' so we finally move down to kitchen. I make donuts, and he doesn't talk about killing himself anymore.
Rest of New Year's Eve is enjoyable and uneventful.
Today he had his therapy and I tell her about new year's eve. Interesting things:
- he claims he wasn't really upset with me, but he was upset about something Penny did earlier that day. He didn't remember what Penny did to make him upset though.
- therapist asks him whether I would have said 'Don't mess up the closet' if one of his siblings would have gone in, like Maria. He says 'Yes, she would have, but Maria would have cried and ran out and gone to Vincent and Zac to complain about mama' True, she would pause to dramatically slam the door too.
- he claims I held him really tightly, which I truly did not do. I am very aware of not hurting the kids, especially given all the stress they have gone through with people exploding at them. Gah.
I am still a bit out of sorts from this New Years Eve event. And as always, there is the dichotomy of having a great celebration, and keeping everyone happy and be positive on top of dealing with suicidal ideation. It is so hard to know when it is 'just words' and when it is more. I feel a bit overwhelmed.
New Year's Eve, early evening, I decide to take a break before making donuts. I grab a book, a cup of tea and head upstairs, installing myself in my bedroom. About ten minutes later, first kid finds me (Penny), slowly all five younger ones come in. I am slightly amused by the way my break isn't quite happening, but enjoy having them all here and talk and hang out.
My bedroom was a mess, mattresses and blankets everywhere, because Bryan had his friend sleep over the night before. No problem, but made it hard to walk in the bedroom, so I had mentally tagged this area as 'needs pickup desperately' Wasn't particularly urgent on New Year's Eve though.
Kids hang out, and at some point, Bryan starts using cat toys and mattresses and blankets as a slide off my bed, and I am a bit worried about either him getting hurt, someone on the floor getting hurt, or the cat toy getting broken.This is one of those 'cat condo' toys, but a small one. Not to mention that those mattresses (crib mattresses) are not in the best condition anyway, and I didn't want him to use them as slide for that reason either. I tell him to stop, but he is not listening and continues to do it.
Figuring that this time is as good as any, I decide to start cleaning up mattresses and blankets from the floor to make the floor visible and walkable again. I start cleaning up, get the mattresses in and start folding blankets, Bryan is not happy I am cleaning up, but doesn't seem super upset either.
He start entering the closet and wanting to take out blankets. I say 'No Bryan, don't mess up my closet!' and he immediatly escalates into 'You hate me! No one loves me, I just want to kill myself!' He flings himself on the floor and pulls another blanket over himself. I sit down with him and say many things like 'Bryan, I love you. We do not want you to die, we would miss you too much.' and many others. I take him in my arms and he gets even more upset starts screaming REALLY loud, kicking, flailing, very very upset. I am sitting on floor, holding my arms around him, just riding it out till he hopefully calms down, telling him that we love him in between his screaming. He retorts with 'No, you HATE me!'
He starts trying to put blanket in his mouth to choke himself. He says 'I will eat this blanket till I die.' He also just tries to bury himself in blanket, saying he will die. He tells me that if he can't kill himself, he will just kill me. I remember all the times when Zac was like this, 1.5 years ago, and remember the many many hours I spent in the emergency room with him. I think about how sucky it would be to spend this new years eve in the emergency room, together with all the local drunks, and have the kids celebrate NYE without me and Bryan. I take a deep breath and focus on the task at hand, keeping every one safe. I briefly long for a life in which I could start oliebollen and actually make them without yet another crisis.
He breaks out of my arms and runs to the bath room, telling us 'I am going to shut myself in the bath room, stick my head in the toilet, and flush, so that I will drown!' I am unable to stop him (I wasn't holding him very tightly, just my arms around him, but not doing tight safety hold), so I send Penny downstairs to get something to open bath room door while I talk to him through door. I hear sounds, including flushing, but he talks and moves after the flushing, so I sigh with relief and wait for Penny. By the time Penny is back, he has opened the door again and is back to screaming and kicking and using blankets to try to stuff in his mouth. Penny brings him some chocolate kitty animal crackers to cheer him up, but he is totally uninterested in those.
I ask him whether he really wants to kill himself, or whether this is his way of saying that he is upset with me. He just screams. And keeps talking about killing himself. I explain to him about safety and keeping him safe and keeping every one safe. I explain to him about suicide watch and how it is no fun at all, tying back in to last year's Zac hospitalizations. Penny, Violet, Yvette, and Maria are still there and listening. too. I think it is not a bad thing that they get the lecture too, although it makes me sad that Maria gets to hear it at 4yo. She is growing up way too fast, I want to protect her from some of life's realities, but it is not happening.
I am very close to calling our Emergency Services, and talking to them , but I know that I do not want to go to the ER unless it is unavoidable. I feel capable to judge for myself, I have too much experience :p I also know that I am hoping to avoid hospitalization, but I feel that we came dangerously close that night.
Eventually he calms down enough and stops talking about wanting to kill himself and I try to get promise that he won't hurt himself, but I never get promise. He really wants me to start making donuts though, and during all this he said things like 'If you really loved me you would give me donuts RIGHT now!' so we finally move down to kitchen. I make donuts, and he doesn't talk about killing himself anymore.
Rest of New Year's Eve is enjoyable and uneventful.
Today he had his therapy and I tell her about new year's eve. Interesting things:
- he claims he wasn't really upset with me, but he was upset about something Penny did earlier that day. He didn't remember what Penny did to make him upset though.
- therapist asks him whether I would have said 'Don't mess up the closet' if one of his siblings would have gone in, like Maria. He says 'Yes, she would have, but Maria would have cried and ran out and gone to Vincent and Zac to complain about mama' True, she would pause to dramatically slam the door too.
- he claims I held him really tightly, which I truly did not do. I am very aware of not hurting the kids, especially given all the stress they have gone through with people exploding at them. Gah.
I am still a bit out of sorts from this New Years Eve event. And as always, there is the dichotomy of having a great celebration, and keeping everyone happy and be positive on top of dealing with suicidal ideation. It is so hard to know when it is 'just words' and when it is more. I feel a bit overwhelmed.
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