Even although our family therapist has a lot of good things going for her, she also seems to have a bias against large families. She keeps asking why we had so many kids, and yesterday she stated that it is almost impossible to love this many kids and I sure shouldn't do any of my hobbies anymore because the kids need my time and energy too much.
Strike 1: yes, I can love and take care of that many kids, and there are a lot of advantages of a large family if only the abundance of sibling relationships and the amount of fun and love that there is, even if therapy necessarily focuses more on the problems in their relationships. It doesn't mean there are not many good moments too.
Strike 2: the dad and Zac have been complaining about my hobbies even although I spent considerable less time on my hobbies than dad does at the computer playing World of Warcraft. But god forbid mom should have a life at all!
Whatever, I will ignore the hobbies advice and the large family bias, since she also has good input regarding ways to deal with the kids. I am just annoyed right now that when Baby Bear puts four puppets in a house to play, two older kids and two younger kids, she writes down 'Ah, I see! Kids taking care of kids!' and how she keep trying to claim that Ysa had the mother role in the family and she is so angry now because she isn't the mother anymore. Huh?!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Bowling...
Last week, Bryan's case manager Peter took Bryan bowling. Bryan told me 'I won! Easily! Peter is not a very good bowler!'
Given Bryan's athletic skills it is hard to imagine that Peter did his uttermost best to beat Bryan ^^ Or maybe Peter really is a lousy bowler.
Given Bryan's athletic skills it is hard to imagine that Peter did his uttermost best to beat Bryan ^^ Or maybe Peter really is a lousy bowler.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
She Has Left
Lots of issues, and tears and despair, but Penny decided to go with him to the local art gallery where they do a fun class on Saturday. After AVA she will come back home.
Summary 'I don't want going to daddy because Zac is there. Zac always is mean to me and daddy tells him not to, but he doesn't listen and keeps doing it over and over and papa says Zac has to make his own decisions, so he can't tell Zac not to play computer.' 'And anyway, the only reason I go to papa is because I get to play computer because I NEVER get to play computer at home because I have to school ALL THE TIME and I don't want to go to school anymore I want to be HOMESCHOOLED, just like the kids in Baby Blues. They get to be homeschooled, why can't I?!?!'
I see.
Summary 'I don't want going to daddy because Zac is there. Zac always is mean to me and daddy tells him not to, but he doesn't listen and keeps doing it over and over and papa says Zac has to make his own decisions, so he can't tell Zac not to play computer.' 'And anyway, the only reason I go to papa is because I get to play computer because I NEVER get to play computer at home because I have to school ALL THE TIME and I don't want to go to school anymore I want to be HOMESCHOOLED, just like the kids in Baby Blues. They get to be homeschooled, why can't I?!?!'
I see.
More Details on Last Weekend
Last Saturday Zac kept calling Penny a bitch and EVERYONE was mean to her. Not only is she not going anymore, but X told her 'You can't come over anymore if you behave like this', which she, unsurprisingly, heard as 'You can't come over anymore.' Which is just fine with Penny, she is totally done with visiting him.
Kind of a bummer to send such a message to your 10yo daughter. Today she is refusing to go, and even although I encouraged her yesterday, I am going to let her stay home today if he can't convince her, since I think therapist involvement would not be bad before the next visit. Both for Penny and for him, since I have a family therapist meeting with X and me on Thursday and this seems perfect to bring up.
As an aside on last weekend, Bryan and Baby Bear were going to visit him last Sunday, and had been looking forward to their special visit. But he told them 'No, you can't come anymore because Penny acted up and I am sick now.' Lovely, just lovely.
Kind of a bummer to send such a message to your 10yo daughter. Today she is refusing to go, and even although I encouraged her yesterday, I am going to let her stay home today if he can't convince her, since I think therapist involvement would not be bad before the next visit. Both for Penny and for him, since I have a family therapist meeting with X and me on Thursday and this seems perfect to bring up.
As an aside on last weekend, Bryan and Baby Bear were going to visit him last Sunday, and had been looking forward to their special visit. But he told them 'No, you can't come anymore because Penny acted up and I am sick now.' Lovely, just lovely.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Interesting Insight or the Law of Shifting One's Normal a Little Bit Every Day
Yesterday we had the Penny incident, which was a big freak out, but not particularly stressful or that noteworthy in my current life.
Today I was talking to Penny's therapist and she convinced me otherwise. This was not small potatoes. She said 'I bet you were really upset afterwards and stressed out. It would have been ok to call emergency services and run this by them and talk about it after the fact, even if you can't call during incidents like this.' When she said I must have been really upset I did realize that no, I was not upset at all, this felt like a minor blip on in my life, nothing big. When she said it could have been appropriate to call the police, I realized that yet again I was suffering from a 'Normal' which has shifted over time to an 'Not so normal after all'.
When Zac was younger, he had many sensory issues, and many explosive issues, and we all were used to his idiosyncracies and used to living with them, accomodating them, trying not to bother him, trying not to make him explode. Every day we accomodated him a bit more. Every day we broke another egg to add to the egg shells to walk on. Every day we shifted our normal just a tiny bit.
Until things got so out of whack that hospitalization was his only option. And I did take a step back and looked at all the egg shells on the floor in horror and realized that we had added to them day by day, shell by shell and not really noticed till they covered the whole floor. Our normal had shifted significantly.
When I was married to my ex, he had somewhat of a temper. Slowly he started yelling more and more. But things were ok as long as we stayed out of his way. We could just go out and do things away from the house. We had good moments in between the bad ones, so it would be negative to only look at his explosions, right?
He started destroying chairs and laundry baskets. He was throwing boots, emptying garbage cans, yelling more and more. But as long as we did nothing to upset him, it was only single incidents and of course our normal was just normal. Apart from his temper, but that only happened when we annoyed him. Or when the laundry was behind. Or when there were was too much clutter on the kitchen table. Of course that would annoy him. It would annoy everyone who worked so hard all week and just needed to relax now.
Every day our normal shifted a tiny bit. Every day we put more egg shells on the floor and tried not to step on them. Every day we adjusted just a bit more to a life where we constantly had to be careful not to trigger him.
Until he started saying things like 'Why don't you kill your kids?!' and his incidents got more and more frequent and more and more scary. Until Zac went to school crying and with a panic attack because his dad was so out of control when I wanted to donate videos to the thrift store. Until I realized that our normal had been pushed over lines it should not be pushed over for anyone.
That was when my eyes opened to the reality and when we got separated.
And again I find myself in a 'shifting normals' situation where Penny's incident felt like almost nothing , but outside input made me realize that oh, maybe it was significant after all. And maybe a new visit to the police station to talk about possible calls from our home is in order. And maybe I should look at my normal and try to see it with outsider eyes instead of with 'boring old; same over and over; no big deal' eyes.
- She is only 10 years old, so even although she was attacking people, it was not impossible to prevent her from harming them;
- She always explodes big, but once she finally calms down, she actually IS calm and can talk about what happened and process it;
- It really is small potatoes compared to Zac's past incidents.
Today I was talking to Penny's therapist and she convinced me otherwise. This was not small potatoes. She said 'I bet you were really upset afterwards and stressed out. It would have been ok to call emergency services and run this by them and talk about it after the fact, even if you can't call during incidents like this.' When she said I must have been really upset I did realize that no, I was not upset at all, this felt like a minor blip on in my life, nothing big. When she said it could have been appropriate to call the police, I realized that yet again I was suffering from a 'Normal' which has shifted over time to an 'Not so normal after all'.
When Zac was younger, he had many sensory issues, and many explosive issues, and we all were used to his idiosyncracies and used to living with them, accomodating them, trying not to bother him, trying not to make him explode. Every day we accomodated him a bit more. Every day we broke another egg to add to the egg shells to walk on. Every day we shifted our normal just a tiny bit.
Until things got so out of whack that hospitalization was his only option. And I did take a step back and looked at all the egg shells on the floor in horror and realized that we had added to them day by day, shell by shell and not really noticed till they covered the whole floor. Our normal had shifted significantly.
When I was married to my ex, he had somewhat of a temper. Slowly he started yelling more and more. But things were ok as long as we stayed out of his way. We could just go out and do things away from the house. We had good moments in between the bad ones, so it would be negative to only look at his explosions, right?
He started destroying chairs and laundry baskets. He was throwing boots, emptying garbage cans, yelling more and more. But as long as we did nothing to upset him, it was only single incidents and of course our normal was just normal. Apart from his temper, but that only happened when we annoyed him. Or when the laundry was behind. Or when there were was too much clutter on the kitchen table. Of course that would annoy him. It would annoy everyone who worked so hard all week and just needed to relax now.
Every day our normal shifted a tiny bit. Every day we put more egg shells on the floor and tried not to step on them. Every day we adjusted just a bit more to a life where we constantly had to be careful not to trigger him.
Until he started saying things like 'Why don't you kill your kids?!' and his incidents got more and more frequent and more and more scary. Until Zac went to school crying and with a panic attack because his dad was so out of control when I wanted to donate videos to the thrift store. Until I realized that our normal had been pushed over lines it should not be pushed over for anyone.
That was when my eyes opened to the reality and when we got separated.
And again I find myself in a 'shifting normals' situation where Penny's incident felt like almost nothing , but outside input made me realize that oh, maybe it was significant after all. And maybe a new visit to the police station to talk about possible calls from our home is in order. And maybe I should look at my normal and try to see it with outsider eyes instead of with 'boring old; same over and over; no big deal' eyes.
Penny
Yesterday Penny got REALLY upset which started with me asking the kids
to help me shovel the driveway. She put her face up to Bryan's face and SCREAMED as loudly as she could, slammed doors.
She often does calm down after a bit, so Bryan, Baby Bear and I went outside to start shoveling, and after a while she came out but was still in a bad mood. She claimed her coat was wet and she couldn't shovel. When I proposed to either use another coat or wear a sweater under her coat (she was wearing a tanktop) she disappeared inside again. She came outside and started yelling that she couldn't zip up her coat and she needed help and I clearly hated her and she couldn't hear me and more of that. I told her that she could come down the driveway where I was shoveling and I would help her, and after a lot of screaming she did, where she proceeded to YELL, SCREAM in my face, and throw herself on the driveway, claiming that I clearly hated her and I wasn't helping her and I was just saying horrible things to her and I was trying to kill her. I was talking to her and said I loved
her but this was not acceptable behavior and I would help her once she could calm down. She never did and kept screaming and kicking the ground.
By that time Violet had come out too and helped shovel while Penny was having her temper tantrum. After a while we were done shoveling and went back inside, where Penny proceeded to be upset. Ysa was not helping by mimicking her, and she got so mad about that that she started hitting her. I sat in between them to prevent things, but Penny kept escalating and was hitting, kicking and even biting Ysa. I had to restrain her, and even then she still managed to kick Baby Bear, and throw things at Ysa (mostly clothing items, although I intervened when she tried to throw a brown paper bag with a tin can inside. The socks and scarves and everything else I let her throw. She threatened to kill Ysa several times. She threatened to kill Baby Bear. She threatened to kill me. She claimed I was killing her.
I offered her her corner, or to go to my room with me and some food, but she kept refusing and she kept refusing to promise to not attack people. I talked about her using her skills but she was beyond any coping skills and just was erupting. At some point she grudgingly said 'I will not attack them if they just stay out of my way!' but I felt conditional safety was not enough with her in this mood. 'In her way' could be interpreted quite broadly in her state of mind. I felt at a loss what to do, beyond being there, preventing her from hurting others (she tried to bite me, but never was successful) and talking calmly and offering food and solitude, and after a while she did calm down some what and we did end up in my room with food and she totally calmed down. She claimed she never had problems like that before she started school, but I did not agree with that ^^
I would have wanted to call emergency services, but I had no way to keep her and the other kids safe while talking on the phone and once the episode was over I didn't feel I needed them anymore. I could have called the police but that felt like an overreaction. I will talk to her therapist how to handle these situations when she is out of control like this and impossible to calm down. When we did talk about things, she said she was hurting Ysa because she was being a poopyhead but Baby Bear she was hurting just because she was there.
to help me shovel the driveway. She put her face up to Bryan's face and SCREAMED as loudly as she could, slammed doors.
She often does calm down after a bit, so Bryan, Baby Bear and I went outside to start shoveling, and after a while she came out but was still in a bad mood. She claimed her coat was wet and she couldn't shovel. When I proposed to either use another coat or wear a sweater under her coat (she was wearing a tanktop) she disappeared inside again. She came outside and started yelling that she couldn't zip up her coat and she needed help and I clearly hated her and she couldn't hear me and more of that. I told her that she could come down the driveway where I was shoveling and I would help her, and after a lot of screaming she did, where she proceeded to YELL, SCREAM in my face, and throw herself on the driveway, claiming that I clearly hated her and I wasn't helping her and I was just saying horrible things to her and I was trying to kill her. I was talking to her and said I loved
her but this was not acceptable behavior and I would help her once she could calm down. She never did and kept screaming and kicking the ground.
By that time Violet had come out too and helped shovel while Penny was having her temper tantrum. After a while we were done shoveling and went back inside, where Penny proceeded to be upset. Ysa was not helping by mimicking her, and she got so mad about that that she started hitting her. I sat in between them to prevent things, but Penny kept escalating and was hitting, kicking and even biting Ysa. I had to restrain her, and even then she still managed to kick Baby Bear, and throw things at Ysa (mostly clothing items, although I intervened when she tried to throw a brown paper bag with a tin can inside. The socks and scarves and everything else I let her throw. She threatened to kill Ysa several times. She threatened to kill Baby Bear. She threatened to kill me. She claimed I was killing her.
I offered her her corner, or to go to my room with me and some food, but she kept refusing and she kept refusing to promise to not attack people. I talked about her using her skills but she was beyond any coping skills and just was erupting. At some point she grudgingly said 'I will not attack them if they just stay out of my way!' but I felt conditional safety was not enough with her in this mood. 'In her way' could be interpreted quite broadly in her state of mind. I felt at a loss what to do, beyond being there, preventing her from hurting others (she tried to bite me, but never was successful) and talking calmly and offering food and solitude, and after a while she did calm down some what and we did end up in my room with food and she totally calmed down. She claimed she never had problems like that before she started school, but I did not agree with that ^^
I would have wanted to call emergency services, but I had no way to keep her and the other kids safe while talking on the phone and once the episode was over I didn't feel I needed them anymore. I could have called the police but that felt like an overreaction. I will talk to her therapist how to handle these situations when she is out of control like this and impossible to calm down. When we did talk about things, she said she was hurting Ysa because she was being a poopyhead but Baby Bear she was hurting just because she was there.
Monday, February 15, 2010
I am NEVER EVER EVER ...
Penny after her Saturday visit: 'I am NEVER EVER EVER EVER! going to daddy's house again!'
Hmmm, I think I have heard this before ^^
I haven't heard the specifics yet, because I usually just let her rant and rave and discharge just after it happens and talk about it more in depth the next day. Only the next day was Valentine's Day, so we were busy doing stuff for that.
The bits I did get 'EVERYBODY was teasing me! Zac was calling me a bitch!' From the others 'Penny screamed so loud that the neighbors came over to ask about it.' It sounds like she didn't want to leave and that is what started the fun, although it looks like it escalated a bit...
I wonder what happened, but in a way I am happy that now he can't say anymore 'Penny never has ANY problems at my house! '
He left Bryan with Zac while he took Baby Bear to a birthday party (to which Bryan also was invited, but he'd rather play computer games at X's house). Bryan said 'it was ok, since Vincent was there' but then later told me that Vincent was asleep all the time. Gah.
Hmmm, I think I have heard this before ^^
I haven't heard the specifics yet, because I usually just let her rant and rave and discharge just after it happens and talk about it more in depth the next day. Only the next day was Valentine's Day, so we were busy doing stuff for that.
The bits I did get 'EVERYBODY was teasing me! Zac was calling me a bitch!' From the others 'Penny screamed so loud that the neighbors came over to ask about it.' It sounds like she didn't want to leave and that is what started the fun, although it looks like it escalated a bit...
I wonder what happened, but in a way I am happy that now he can't say anymore 'Penny never has ANY problems at my house! '
He left Bryan with Zac while he took Baby Bear to a birthday party (to which Bryan also was invited, but he'd rather play computer games at X's house). Bryan said 'it was ok, since Vincent was there' but then later told me that Vincent was asleep all the time. Gah.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Haha
Guess who missed the school bus again this morning?
Yup, Ysa.
She came back into the house, annoyed 'I missed the school bus, I will just call daddy!'
Picks up the phone 'Daddy? Could you please drive me to school? I missed the bus and mama is too lazy to drive me! And she said she will call the police on me if I don't go to school!' (which is interesting, since I have not said that, but I think her assistant principal might have mentioned it to her when she came in so late on Monday) After a moment of silence, she added 'Thank you, daddy!' in a very sweet voice.
There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and 'You are stupid for using the police as a taxi service if YOU could just drive me to school instead!'
I did talk to the girls case manager about the 'miss school bus / daddy = savior' issue, and Zac's case manager will talk to X about it. I am not holding my breath for X getting it though, and I can see where it is much better for X to be the good cop, so he can feed into his 'I am a great father and she is a horrible mother' view of the world. I have filed it all in my 'Whatever' bin.
Yup, Ysa.
She came back into the house, annoyed 'I missed the school bus, I will just call daddy!'
Picks up the phone 'Daddy? Could you please drive me to school? I missed the bus and mama is too lazy to drive me! And she said she will call the police on me if I don't go to school!' (which is interesting, since I have not said that, but I think her assistant principal might have mentioned it to her when she came in so late on Monday) After a moment of silence, she added 'Thank you, daddy!' in a very sweet voice.
There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and 'You are stupid for using the police as a taxi service if YOU could just drive me to school instead!'
I did talk to the girls case manager about the 'miss school bus / daddy = savior' issue, and Zac's case manager will talk to X about it. I am not holding my breath for X getting it though, and I can see where it is much better for X to be the good cop, so he can feed into his 'I am a great father and she is a horrible mother' view of the world. I have filed it all in my 'Whatever' bin.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Ysa
Yes, I am behind in updating everything, today is Ysa catchup day.
Late January, she had her meds eval, and the psychiatrist felt strongly that she was just angry, spitting mad angry and didn't need meds. She even questioned whether therapy was helpful at all right now, since Ysa clearly isn't in a space yet that she is willing to talk, making it harder to benefit from therapy. The general feeling is that therapy makes her even more angry.
In consultation with her therapist we decided to stop therapy for now, but have immediate consequences for
1. Threatening to kill oneself : ambulance gets called
2. Hurting others : police gets called.
She has been doing well so far, I think she is realizing that we were not joking and this is what is going to happen and she has been able to change that part of her behavior. She is participating in a school play too, and I feel that that is helping her in addition to the new 'rules'. We'll see.
Getting up has been an issue lately, she missed the school bus last Thursday and Friday (which in our house means 'take the public bus to school'). She does NOT like that and always calls her dad 'Daddy? Please drive me to school because mom is too lazy!' Whatever ^^ Naturally, he drops everything and drives her.
Yesterday was more fun though. She did her usual missing the bus routine, but I had a dentist appointment with Baby Bear and told her she could come to that and walk to school from there. (about 5 or 10 minutes from the dentist). She must not have heard the walking part, because when we arrived at the dentist she asked 'WHY DIDN"T YOU DROP ME OFF AT SCHOOL????!'. I told her we had an appointment and no time to drop her off, but she could walk and she got mad, but started walking. At least, that's what it looked like.
Forty five minutes later we come out of the dentist and guess who is sitting in the car? 'I didn't feel like walking. I can just skip a bunch of classes, I'll call daddy when we come home.'
Um...
no.
I drove her to school and she crossed her arms over her chest and said 'I AM NOT COMING OUT!' I said 'ok', took Baby Bear and we went into the school. I smiled at the secretary and stated 'We have a small problem. Ysa doesn't want to come to school and is in the car refusing to get out, is there anyone who could talk to her?' She got the assistant principal who had a very nice demeanor and said 'Call me any time if she refuses to come to school, I can come to your house with the police to get her if needed.'
He walked to the car, opened the door, and very matter of factly and calmly stated 'Ysa, it is your job to be in school. Let's go.' She got out, followed him and went into the school.
Today she did make it to the bus in time.
Late January, she had her meds eval, and the psychiatrist felt strongly that she was just angry, spitting mad angry and didn't need meds. She even questioned whether therapy was helpful at all right now, since Ysa clearly isn't in a space yet that she is willing to talk, making it harder to benefit from therapy. The general feeling is that therapy makes her even more angry.
In consultation with her therapist we decided to stop therapy for now, but have immediate consequences for
1. Threatening to kill oneself : ambulance gets called
2. Hurting others : police gets called.
She has been doing well so far, I think she is realizing that we were not joking and this is what is going to happen and she has been able to change that part of her behavior. She is participating in a school play too, and I feel that that is helping her in addition to the new 'rules'. We'll see.
Getting up has been an issue lately, she missed the school bus last Thursday and Friday (which in our house means 'take the public bus to school'). She does NOT like that and always calls her dad 'Daddy? Please drive me to school because mom is too lazy!' Whatever ^^ Naturally, he drops everything and drives her.
Yesterday was more fun though. She did her usual missing the bus routine, but I had a dentist appointment with Baby Bear and told her she could come to that and walk to school from there. (about 5 or 10 minutes from the dentist). She must not have heard the walking part, because when we arrived at the dentist she asked 'WHY DIDN"T YOU DROP ME OFF AT SCHOOL????!'. I told her we had an appointment and no time to drop her off, but she could walk and she got mad, but started walking. At least, that's what it looked like.
Forty five minutes later we come out of the dentist and guess who is sitting in the car? 'I didn't feel like walking. I can just skip a bunch of classes, I'll call daddy when we come home.'
Um...
no.
I drove her to school and she crossed her arms over her chest and said 'I AM NOT COMING OUT!' I said 'ok', took Baby Bear and we went into the school. I smiled at the secretary and stated 'We have a small problem. Ysa doesn't want to come to school and is in the car refusing to get out, is there anyone who could talk to her?' She got the assistant principal who had a very nice demeanor and said 'Call me any time if she refuses to come to school, I can come to your house with the police to get her if needed.'
He walked to the car, opened the door, and very matter of factly and calmly stated 'Ysa, it is your job to be in school. Let's go.' She got out, followed him and went into the school.
Today she did make it to the bus in time.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A More Advanced Family
Bryan's therapist asked him why he said things like 'I am going to kill myself' at home but not at school. He said that it would scare the kids at school, but it doesn't scare his siblings, because we are 'a more advanced family.' The therapist asked what made us an advanced family. Bryan replied 'Well, me and my siblings know more swears and more about sex than the kids at school.'
Geez, thanks Bryan, for putting our family in such a good light... He said that Vincent and Zac have taught him a lot about sex by talking about sex when he was in the room, not specifically to him, but he says he learned a lot by listening to them.
Geez, thanks Bryan, for putting our family in such a good light... He said that Vincent and Zac have taught him a lot about sex by talking about sex when he was in the room, not specifically to him, but he says he learned a lot by listening to them.
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