Today's Zac Meeting (looooooooooong)

Today's Zac meeting was interesting to say the least. The school psychologist asked whether Zac was willing to start in a regular class again this semester. Zac replied that he didn't think that was a good idea. The psychologist noted that his attendance has been up and down and that any setback at school translates to yet another school refusal period.

The vice principal proposed to go the GED and school-to-work program route, since the current school program clearly isn't working. They talked for a while about pre-GED testing and the Vocational Rehab program and about what kind of things are expected in a work situation.
- follow directions
- punctuality
- be presentable
- nice clothing
- good hygiene

During an earlier meeting Zac had said he would be willing to volunteer, although today he first stated he preferred to volunteer for politicians. When they told him that that wasn't an option for school supported volunteering, he agreed that volunteering at the thrift store or at a local community center might work too.

Dr Plato offered that Zac doesn't like to be evaluated, and asked Zac whether he was ready for the evaluations and commitments he would need to endure for a job. Zac said 'I don't know.' Plato warned that Zac gets disappointed easily and could give up.

I noticed that dr Plato mostly listened during the main meeting, didn't have a lot of input beyond some tempering words here.

But after the main meeting was over and most people were leaving, dr Plato asked Zac, me, Zac's dad and the psychologist to stay behind so he could talk with us.

Dr Plato started out with asking X how Zac's mood has been lately.
X told him that it was great for the last two weeks, and Zac had put himself on a sleep schedule which was better than any one else in his house. (My cynic note to myself: Yeah, that is why Zac made it to school only one day out of the four days of that first week :p)

The school psychologist said that things like book reports really paralyze Zac, because he doesn't know how to do a book report. Dr Plato perked up. 'Ah! here is where you can see how he is being poisoned by not knowing how to do a book report. He doesn't know and he does not have an antidote for not knowing. All of us encounter the poison of not knowing. But most of us have developed antidotes for it.' He went around the room and asked what people used for antidotes.

The school psychologist said that he wrote down things on paper and when he was anxious, he would recite poetry in his head (like The Cremation of Sam McGee)
X said that he made lists.

I said that I talked to friends and divided tasks into baby steps. Dr Plato grabbed onto that one by rephrasing it into asking for help. He compared my antidote of asking for help with Zac's antidote of anguish and anxiety.

He turned to X and stated that Zac and him should find a way to help Zac develop hardiness at home and ways to help him feel more powerful, less helpless.
Panic is not an effective antidote to deal with problems / not knowing.
Zac by now was starting to get fidgety and said he wanted to leave, hid his face, started being whiny and stated he would just burn down the building. Dr Plato challenged him right into his face and said him 'Leaving this meeting is your problem, now solve it. Show us your problem solving abilities.'

Zac said he could just get up and leave but X had the car so that doesn't work. He got more and more worked up and stated that he was just fucking worthless and would kill himself. Dr Plato was not impressed and used it as a way of showing that Zac desperately needed to learn better coping skills. He feels Zac has gotten really good at performing something that looks like anxiety, but it really is defiance. He is good at portraying himself as way more wounded than he actually is. He has learned the language of anxiety, but the way he managed to calm himself down during today's meeting when his threats and whining didn't work shows that he can control it.

Zac's avoidance response is so fast and so intense that he often does get away with it. Dr Plato told X that he should not allow Zac escape his problems. That Zac still lacks the ability to ask for help. That even people with low intellect who have learned to ask for help function on a higher level than Zac does now.

Dr Plato does not expect a high level of success from this new GED / school to work program. I agree. But at this point I am not sure what would be a successful program, and X has taken on the responsibility, so I'll let the two of them figure out how to teach Zac to problem solve, to ask for help and to not use escape as the best solution for any setbacks. Good luck to them.

Frankly I think the school just wants him out of there and hopes that the GED will accomplish just that. I don't know that the school has been extremely helpful or useful during the last years, so it is time to let go of dreams, accept reality and hope for the best. At least if he has a GED he might be able to use that as a stepping stool if he matures enough to develop better coping and problem solving skills.

'Stop and Think!' Bag

Baby Bear came home with her very own special 'Stop and Think' bag after her case manager outing. It is both a reminder for her to stop and think before she starts getting physical towards people. And it has some stuff for her to DO when she gets mad. So far she has a stress ball and a tiny magic 8 ball in it. Let's hope it will work for her. I have a bruise on my leg from when she bit me a few days ago, ouch!

Zac School Stuff

Zac still has truancy issues, making it a few days last week, and only one day the week before. The days that he doesn't make it it usually is because he is scared of going to school. He'd rather stay home and play video games all day. Since that is much safer...

Tomorrow we have a meeting with dr Plato at school. Will be interesting to hear his input.

Drama Queen in Training

We spend quite a lot of time in the thrift store as we were doing a few days ago. I was helping the older girls find some clothing for their concert, while Baby Bear went through the toys and art supplies and found something she desperately wanted. NOW! Her whole happiness was dependent on owning this one very special item.

I told her no, and she was annoyed at me and mad and asked a few more times before she decided to dramatize the moment a bit more. 'If I don't get this, I am going to die!!!!!!!!' Not quite convinced, I answered 'That seems unlikely.' Upping the threat, she claimed 'I am going to die the day before my birthday! No! The day before Bryan's birthday! NO! I will die the day before YOUR birthday!' Having a hard time not laughing out loud I told her that that would make me very sad. I could feel the amusement of the shoppers around me who were watching this tiny girl having a big temper tantrum.

End result was a girl being carried out of the store kicking and screaming after she bit me in the leg. Wow. Can't wait for her to turn into a teenager and get her dramatics fine tuned even more :p

I Am NEVER EVER EVER Going to Daddy's House Again!

Saturday night Penny came home from a visit very upset.
'Baby Bear kept pulling my hair and she wouldn't stop and she hurt me and daddy did NOTHING about it and I am NEVER going there again!'

From what I understood from Baby Bear and Penny is that they got into a fight, and Baby Bear was upset with Penny and started pulling her hair, and things detoriated. Penny said 'Daddy tried to make her stop doing it, but gave up after a few times. I don't want to go there anymore! Baby Bear will hurt me again!'

Today Penny told me that Vincent tried to help and even lectured daddy that he shouldn't let Baby Bear get away with it. 'But daddy didn't seem to care! He never shows his emotions, only when he yells.' Interesting how Vincent more and more seems to be taking over the role of grownup in that household.

The Optimistic Child

During our last 'big meeting', dr Plato recommended a book named 'The Optimistic Child' by Martin E. Seligman. It took me a while, but (after finding it in my own darned basement of all places) I finally started reading it. I am only at the beginning chapters of the book but I like what I have read so far.

The book talks about 'a proven program to safeguard children against depression and build lifelong resilience'. I found a pretty good summary / review of the book here.

I am looking forward to reading the book and putting into practice all the new techniques I will be learning. I am a very optimistic person. In a way I seem to have thought that my kids would pick this up by osmosis, just by modeling optimistic behavior and good problem solving techniques. Especially since I always have been the primary caregiver and the ex's pessimism was mostly withdrawal, so how could they be influenced by that???? Nice when the world is clear and black and white like that.

Only, as always it isn't. Yes, I am optimistic, but no, my kids are NOT picking it up by osmosis as much as I would have liked them to. Actually they seem to have picked up WAY more pessimism from the ex than they have picked up optimism from me. Which is not fair of course, but we all know how totally non productive the 'not fair!' whining is as opposed to the 'this is where we are, what are the issues, how can we move into the direction we want to?' thinking.

So I am reading this book and hopefully will be able to use it to teach my kids optimism in a more concrete way than I have been doing so far.

OCD Funny

Yesterday I was visiting a friend and we were doing quite a lot of cooking with timers needed. First she used the microwave timer and then used another timer for the second dish. An hour later, when I did my share of the cooking I found myself making sure I used these two timers in exactly that order, because I am soooooooooo used to people caring about stuff like that. I was amused at myself and shared my thinking with her. She hadn't even noticed my thoughtfulness, glad I pointed it out to her :D

Today's Therapist Meeting

Today Yet Another meeting of all the kids therapists.
Zac is still not doing well. His dad 'He did very well for the first two days after the vacation and then his anxieties got worse again. This morning he refused to get out of bed, and was afraid he would get hurt at school.'
Family therapist (FT) 'Does he have any anti anxiety medication?'
His dad 'Yes, but he does not want to take it. He is scared of it.'

My sarcastic reaction (not out loud) 'Yeah, if the choices are taking anti anxiety med and going to school, or sleeping in as long as you want and then play as much computer as you want, I can see why he doesn't want to take them.'

Penny's therapist is still getting to know her, since her 'old' therapist left the practice. She says Penny is very motivated, fun to work with, and very creative. For now they are working on figuring out how long she can go without hitting and / or screaming so they have a baseline and then can set reasonable goals based on that. The therapist then would reward her for 'two days without hitting' and similar goals and slowly increase on these. It is a system which in the past has worked well for Penny. I don't think she has made one day without screaming yet.

They also have touched on all the scary things she has seen in the last few years, between Zac and dad, and Bryan's issues, and Ysa's explosions. Penny agreed there were scary things, but she does not like to talk about them. For now they are sorting things into 'easy to talk about', medium to hard to talk about' and 'really hard to talk about' and will do a little bit every session.

Baby Bear still issues with hitting her siblings. Her dad explained that it is because Penny is so bossy and aggressive and because Zac gets upset because 'The little ones are so present and noisy and they interfere with EVERYTHING!' (is that Zac talking or dad talking? :p)

Bryan's therapist is out of the office, so couldn't make it to the meeting. His dad wanted to raise an issue about Bryan though. He stated that the teacher at school didn't see what I was seeing at home, and how Bryan was just fine when they did art at the art gallery.

He gave us are two theories:
1. At home he behaves worse than at school.
2. I, as his mother, have problems judging Bryan's behavior and things really aren't that bad, and how can they fix him at school if it is all problems because of his home environment????

He also has called the school and wants to talk to the school psychologist about the discrepancy between mine and the teacher's results. The funny thing is that he himself had a questionnaire to fill out too, but did not fill out most of it, which made it impossible to rate it and use it in any of the comparisons.

I have thought about it and it feels that if he can 'prove' that Bryan's problems all are because of the 'bad home environment and not so good judgement by the mother' that Bryan doesn't really have any issues. But who knows. It is a surprising development, but for now I am considering it a 'Whatever.'

Bryan has been diagnosed with PTSD by his therapist, so it is hard to claim that I just made that up.

Quote of the Day

Penny 'Vincent is a much better daddy than daddy is!'

She has interesting insights into the situation.
She also explained to me that daddy doesn't have any furniture in his apartment, just boxes, but that is Vincent and Zac's fault since they moved in. Followed by 'Hmmm, I guess it's his own fault because he let Vincent and Zac move in.'

I just listen and go 'hmmm' at appropriate places.

Stress and Humor

Baby Bear came back from her case manager outing and told me that they had talked about stresses. 'She says that laughing and using humor is a good way to deal with stresses.'

Cool, I like her case manager already ^^
It is definitely one of my coping strategies, and pretty effective too.

Ysa Update

Interesting observation: Ysa was doing much better during the school holidays (almost two weeks around xmas / new year) than she was while school is going on. Which makes me think that school indeed is a considerable source of stress for her. She makes high grades, got on the honor roll, but it seems to eat all her energy, and I am afraid she might be depressed. When she is not in school, she spends 98 % of the time in her room, reading or sleeping (or eating junkfood and leaving the plates / cups / empty chips packages in there, but that's another story)

During the vacation she seemed less withdrawn, joined in more family activities and exhibited less aggression. Now that vacation is over, we are back to her 'normal' which is aggressive, sullen, and withdrawn.

Yesterday she was hitting me again, and today when I told the therapist, she told me to call the police when Ysa hits me. I am still not particularly happy with that solution, but I can also see why she recommended it. It is assault and Ysa is at an age that she should be aware of that. It just is hard to call the police on a child. Gah. Ysa was there when the therapist told me to call the police, so I am hoping that that will be enough of a deterrent to help her make other choices, although who knows.

We set up an appointment for a meds evaluation. Everything at the moment seems to be pointing to depression. Ysa stated 'I am NOT going to take meds, you will have to FORCE THEM DOWN my throat!' Later she changed it to 'I will turn religious and taking meds will be against my religion and which religion is it again when people will not take any meds??'

Case Management

Today Baby Bear and Penny both got to go out with their case manager for the first time ever. The case manager takes them out in the community and supports the skills they work on in therapy. It seems way more fun than the boring therapy, Penny went to Panera, a bakery / sandwich place, came home with happy stories about Pandora. She clearly remembers more about Greek mythology than about the names of restaurants.

Anyway, another baby step taken in support of the kids.

Penny School Meeting

Catching up, one meeting at a time ^^

In December, we met to discuss the results of Penny's testing. She does not qualify for an IEP, but she could qualify for a 504 (which is a different way of accomodating her issues) based on her anxiety disorder. For now we are holding off on that, but the teacher and the school case manager are monitoring her classroom behavior.

One day she had a total freak out because of phys ed, when 'basket balls were coming at her from ALL DIRECTIONS!' The good news is that she was able to hold in her breakdown till she was in the case manager's office.

She also is displaying a lot of the 'whatif!!!??!' and perfectionistic behavior, asking 43 questions per minute to make sure she DID get what the teacher wants her to do.

There is going to be an anxiety group for fifth graders in which she will participate, which hopefully will help her by teaching her strategies and by realizing she is not the only one who has anxieties.

She could qualify for homework modification (under 504) if the homework is causing her lots of anxiety and she ends up spending 3 hours of freaking out on a assigment which reasonably should only take her 20 minutes at the most.

Summary: no educational disability, but possibly accomodations needed because of her anxiety disorder.

Today Bryan Therapy

Bryan 'When I ask for ice cream at daddy's house, he always says I can't have it because he doesn't have any money. And then he yells at me. And then Zac joins in and daddy gets madder and things get badder and I run into daddy's bedroom and lock the door. When I am in daddy's bedroom he can't yell at me as much, because he has to be quiet for the neighbors. But then I get scared of the monsters and I unlock the door again, because I am scared.'

'Daddy never says anything to Zac when he says bad things to me, Vincent always takes care of it.'

'Daddy lets me play Halo at his house, because Zac says that he should let me play it, even if mama says I should not, since daddy is the grownup and should make his own decisions.'

I don't even know how to comment, so for now just documenting.

Keeping the Therapy Center in Business

Five kids with their own therapist.
Four of these kids have case management now (Zac has had it for the last 2.5 years, Penny and Baby Bear are starting on Thursday and we are still figuring out when to start Bryan).
In addition, we have a family therapist and a psychiatrist.
I feel like I spent half my week at the center, although the case managers will actually pick up / drop off the kids at home, so that will be helpful.

So Many Problems of my Own....

Last Zac school meeting, Dr Plato summarized Zac's situation by turning to Zac's father and saying 'Now that he lives with you, your support will be very important for Zac's success.' His father was taken by surprise and replied 'Well, that is a problem. I have so many problems of my own already, I don't think I can add Zac's life to that!!'

Um.. well, then you shouldn't have filed for custody, geez. I am very much realizing that this is a 'be careful what you ask for, because it will be given to you' situation for him.

I was mostly surprised that the ex did admit to his own problems in one of these meetings, usually his contributions are limited to 'Zac is doing so well!'