One month into school and Penny is back to 'I am not going to school. School is too hard. EVERYTHING is too hard!'
We had a major meltdown last night, including at least an hour of crying crying crying.
I am glad I get this opportunity to use my mindfulness...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Locus of Control
Much to write but I have only a few minutes to introduce a new to me term.
Dr Plato asked X to bring Vincent to the last meeting and he talked to Vincent about locus of control, as in 'who or what determines what happens to you?' This was in the context of learning to drive as a specific example but it is obviously a much more general concept. Vincent explained why he didn't drive as much as he wanted to without taking any responsibility for his part in the equation.
Gotta run but I found a wikipedia article on Locus of Control and an online test to rate where one's own locus of control is located.
Dr Plato asked X to bring Vincent to the last meeting and he talked to Vincent about locus of control, as in 'who or what determines what happens to you?' This was in the context of learning to drive as a specific example but it is obviously a much more general concept. Vincent explained why he didn't drive as much as he wanted to without taking any responsibility for his part in the equation.
Gotta run but I found a wikipedia article on Locus of Control and an online test to rate where one's own locus of control is located.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Session Notes III
Dr Plato 'Is there any possibility Vincent might change her behavior when you talk to him about this?'
X 'Well, maybe, I don't know. Vincent's natural reaction to people making him do something is to push back. He would perceive it as me trying to assert control over him.'
Dr Plato 'So you can't say anything because you are afraid of his reaction?'
X 'I don't know.'
Dr Plato 'You are saying that he will deny, get angry, reject your words because he thinks you are trying to control him. That surely limits what you can say to him.'
X 'Maybe somebody else has to say it to him. Because he is getting good at tuning me out. I am usually not there.'
Dr Plato 'You are there more than anybody else.'
X 'Well, between working and trying to get groceries...'
Dr Plato 'What does Vincent do when you go grocery shopping?'
X 'He is sitting on his butt playing computer. Or sleeping.'
Dr Plato 'What is holding you back from expressing your opinion? It is your fear that he is going to be upset with you.'
X 'Well, I can push him, but I cannot really help him along.'
Dr Plato 'It would be much better to acknowledge your fear. If you don't, you have zero chance of solving this problem. Your stress will increase drop by drop and one day it will explode. It could explode inwards, and you would become ill. You were very close to that last year at that end of the school year. Or it could explode outwards. You will have a shouting match with Vincent, maybe even throw him out of your house.'
'If you adopt these strategies, not acknowledging your fears, not acting because you are afraid of the consequences, you are using the same model as the kids. You are not taking on anything that might cause you stress.'
X 'Well, maybe, I don't know. Vincent's natural reaction to people making him do something is to push back. He would perceive it as me trying to assert control over him.'
Dr Plato 'So you can't say anything because you are afraid of his reaction?'
X 'I don't know.'
Dr Plato 'You are saying that he will deny, get angry, reject your words because he thinks you are trying to control him. That surely limits what you can say to him.'
X 'Maybe somebody else has to say it to him. Because he is getting good at tuning me out. I am usually not there.'
Dr Plato 'You are there more than anybody else.'
X 'Well, between working and trying to get groceries...'
Dr Plato 'What does Vincent do when you go grocery shopping?'
X 'He is sitting on his butt playing computer. Or sleeping.'
Dr Plato 'What is holding you back from expressing your opinion? It is your fear that he is going to be upset with you.'
X 'Well, I can push him, but I cannot really help him along.'
Dr Plato 'It would be much better to acknowledge your fear. If you don't, you have zero chance of solving this problem. Your stress will increase drop by drop and one day it will explode. It could explode inwards, and you would become ill. You were very close to that last year at that end of the school year. Or it could explode outwards. You will have a shouting match with Vincent, maybe even throw him out of your house.'
'If you adopt these strategies, not acknowledging your fears, not acting because you are afraid of the consequences, you are using the same model as the kids. You are not taking on anything that might cause you stress.'
Friday, September 17, 2010
Session Notes II
Dr Plato 'What about Vincent?'
X 'Ha, he is doing great! He is making great progress in video games and in driving I guess.'
Dr Plato 'I see. How is the driving coming along?'
X 'He needs a lot of practice and I can't really do that much.'
Dr Plato 'That is regrettable. Earlier this year, I was hoping that Zac would emulate Vincent. But now it seems like the reverse is happening. Vincent is emulating Zac. Any idea why?'
X 'No, I don't know.' (A standard Zac response to anything he doesn't want to think about.)
Dr Plato 'Have you considered asking him? And telling him what you are observing?'
X 'No.'
Dr Plato 'What do you think would happen if you told him?'
X 'Um... I don't know.'
Dr Plato 'Come on, think deeper. What would happen? What could happen?'
X 'He would deny it.'
Dr Plato 'Is that all? Keep thinking. Anything else which could be happening?'
X 'I guess he could get angry.'
A long silence followed, broken by dr Plato 'Really? There are only two choices? He would deny it or get angry? These are the only options?'
X 'Yeah...'
X 'Ha, he is doing great! He is making great progress in video games and in driving I guess.'
Dr Plato 'I see. How is the driving coming along?'
X 'He needs a lot of practice and I can't really do that much.'
Dr Plato 'That is regrettable. Earlier this year, I was hoping that Zac would emulate Vincent. But now it seems like the reverse is happening. Vincent is emulating Zac. Any idea why?'
X 'No, I don't know.' (A standard Zac response to anything he doesn't want to think about.)
Dr Plato 'Have you considered asking him? And telling him what you are observing?'
X 'No.'
Dr Plato 'What do you think would happen if you told him?'
X 'Um... I don't know.'
Dr Plato 'Come on, think deeper. What would happen? What could happen?'
X 'He would deny it.'
Dr Plato 'Is that all? Keep thinking. Anything else which could be happening?'
X 'I guess he could get angry.'
A long silence followed, broken by dr Plato 'Really? There are only two choices? He would deny it or get angry? These are the only options?'
X 'Yeah...'
Session Notes I
Dr Plato 'How are things going?'
X, pondering for a while 'OK, I guess. Zac is going to school pretty regularly. But he has problems adjusting to life in general.'
Dr Plato 'Could you explain that some more?'
X 'He keeps himself separated from the rest of the world.'
Dr Plato 'Why do you think that is?'
X 'It stresses him out to interact with other people.'
Dr Plato 'Is he productive at school?'
X 'I think so.' adding the disclaimer 'But I don't think they put much pressure on him for high productivity.' (No kidding!)
Dr Plato 'What does Zac himself think about his productivity at school?'
X 'I don't know, I don't talk about school to him.' (Zac is extremely resistant to saying anything about school, he sees it as interrogating and a way of driving him crazy so he will commit suicide. So I can understand why X has not been talking about it at all.)
Dr Plato 'It is important that he considers himself to be making progress. When people think they are making progress, they keep going. If they don't believe they are making progress, they will quit, even while they are making huge progress.'
X, pondering for a while 'OK, I guess. Zac is going to school pretty regularly. But he has problems adjusting to life in general.'
Dr Plato 'Could you explain that some more?'
X 'He keeps himself separated from the rest of the world.'
Dr Plato 'Why do you think that is?'
X 'It stresses him out to interact with other people.'
Dr Plato 'Is he productive at school?'
X 'I think so.' adding the disclaimer 'But I don't think they put much pressure on him for high productivity.' (No kidding!)
Dr Plato 'What does Zac himself think about his productivity at school?'
X 'I don't know, I don't talk about school to him.' (Zac is extremely resistant to saying anything about school, he sees it as interrogating and a way of driving him crazy so he will commit suicide. So I can understand why X has not been talking about it at all.)
Dr Plato 'It is important that he considers himself to be making progress. When people think they are making progress, they keep going. If they don't believe they are making progress, they will quit, even while they are making huge progress.'
Fear and Anxiety
Dr Plato tidbits.
What is the difference between fear and anxiety?
Fear is the autonomic nervous system kicking in when there is an actual threat. For example when a snake enters the room, many people would experience fear and a 'fight or flight' reflex so they can deal with the threat. Their heart rates goes up, they make adrenaline and their adrenal gland starts producing cortisol.
Anxiety is the same reaction during the ABSENCE of the actual fear object. This is often, but not always, caused by a memory of a fearful incident.
Dr Plato feels that Zac's body (and some of my other children's) has been conditioned to act like fear is present, even when it isn't. It is in his nervous system.
This seems to fit what I observe with him and the other children. I am learning a lot about the nervous system from these sessions. I am happy dr Plato is taking time to teach us. It fits my belief that when one is ready to learn, a teacher will appear.
What is the difference between fear and anxiety?
Fear is the autonomic nervous system kicking in when there is an actual threat. For example when a snake enters the room, many people would experience fear and a 'fight or flight' reflex so they can deal with the threat. Their heart rates goes up, they make adrenaline and their adrenal gland starts producing cortisol.
Anxiety is the same reaction during the ABSENCE of the actual fear object. This is often, but not always, caused by a memory of a fearful incident.
Dr Plato feels that Zac's body (and some of my other children's) has been conditioned to act like fear is present, even when it isn't. It is in his nervous system.
This seems to fit what I observe with him and the other children. I am learning a lot about the nervous system from these sessions. I am happy dr Plato is taking time to teach us. It fits my belief that when one is ready to learn, a teacher will appear.
Zac Update
Zac is doing well at his level. He goes to school a few hours a day (not too much because he can't handle that). He has been going every day so far, the 9am bus, so that is encouraging. I think he does advisory with some other kids, but after that he spends two more 50 minutes periods in the Resource Room so that he does not have to interact.
He still hates having the younger children over to visit their dad and his standard whine is 'Make them go awayyyyyyyy' when they are over, which is not always appreciated by his siblings.
He continues to be mean to Bryan and Penny, but loves Baby Bear and sometimes takes her on a walk to a nearby gas station. I am thrilled that that gets him out of the house.
One big huge good thing is that he is volunteering at the local library. Today my friend saw him there and said he was doing well. It is nice to have community contacts to keep me updated ^^. I have no idea what he is doing, I am sure I'll hear more about it over the next few weeks. I am just happy he is doing anything out of his comfort zone. We proposed the volunteering at least a year ago, so it is encouraging that he was willing to do it.
He still hates having the younger children over to visit their dad and his standard whine is 'Make them go awayyyyyyyy' when they are over, which is not always appreciated by his siblings.
He continues to be mean to Bryan and Penny, but loves Baby Bear and sometimes takes her on a walk to a nearby gas station. I am thrilled that that gets him out of the house.
One big huge good thing is that he is volunteering at the local library. Today my friend saw him there and said he was doing well. It is nice to have community contacts to keep me updated ^^. I have no idea what he is doing, I am sure I'll hear more about it over the next few weeks. I am just happy he is doing anything out of his comfort zone. We proposed the volunteering at least a year ago, so it is encouraging that he was willing to do it.
Vincent Update
Vincent is still very addicted to World of Warcraft, so is happy to live with someone who is willing to enable him. He quit his job in January or February, claims he wants to go to college but isn't actually making any steps in that direction ('I can be admitted to any college I apply for anyway') and wants to get his driver's license but isn't making many efforts to call my friend who is teaching him. For now he has put his whole life on hold till he has a driver's license and a car. I don't think he realizes how expensive a car is but I guess he will find out.
He claims he is not going to work at all till he is finished with college, so let's hope he gets a good scholarship and other financial aid. At least he did get his GED back in February so that is one baby step out of the way.
One good thing is that he is learning to cook some simple dishes and even has baked bread once ('Why didn't it rise mama, they were like bricks!'). It is not much but hey, learning to cook is a good skill.
Another good thing is that he goes out for walks occasionally, although he is always reading a book while walking, because imagine one would actually have to be bored without a book for a whole walk...
Frankly he does more parenting when the younger children are over than X does. Many times I hear 'Papa had to go to bed, because he was really tired, he needs to sleep a lot, you know!' while Vincent picks up some of the parenting slack that creates. He also does the dishes quite often according to him. Another good skill ^^
My hope is that he will wake up some time during the next few years and get off his butt and interact with the world. I have been talking to him about traveling, volunteering, anything he could do, but so far he isn't ready to listen yet. I am optimistic about him though, for now I am assuming he is not ready to step out in the world yet and is taking time off, not seeing it as a permanent condition.
He claims he is not going to work at all till he is finished with college, so let's hope he gets a good scholarship and other financial aid. At least he did get his GED back in February so that is one baby step out of the way.
One good thing is that he is learning to cook some simple dishes and even has baked bread once ('Why didn't it rise mama, they were like bricks!'). It is not much but hey, learning to cook is a good skill.
Another good thing is that he goes out for walks occasionally, although he is always reading a book while walking, because imagine one would actually have to be bored without a book for a whole walk...
Frankly he does more parenting when the younger children are over than X does. Many times I hear 'Papa had to go to bed, because he was really tired, he needs to sleep a lot, you know!' while Vincent picks up some of the parenting slack that creates. He also does the dishes quite often according to him. Another good skill ^^
My hope is that he will wake up some time during the next few years and get off his butt and interact with the world. I have been talking to him about traveling, volunteering, anything he could do, but so far he isn't ready to listen yet. I am optimistic about him though, for now I am assuming he is not ready to step out in the world yet and is taking time off, not seeing it as a permanent condition.
Meditation
Dr Plato is really focusing on breathing and meditation for the children. He taught us more breathing and talked more about the positive changes which happen in the brain when people do meditate.
There is a lot of research out there to show the mental benefits of meditation Very interesting stuff.
I told him about Penny wanting a book on her head when we were doing the breathing exercises. He felt that was cool that she did that, it would help her keep her head in the exact right position (posture) for meditation. Her body told her what she needed and she listened to her body.
More later, need to make lunch for a sick kid.
There is a lot of research out there to show the mental benefits of meditation Very interesting stuff.
I told him about Penny wanting a book on her head when we were doing the breathing exercises. He felt that was cool that she did that, it would help her keep her head in the exact right position (posture) for meditation. Her body told her what she needed and she listened to her body.
More later, need to make lunch for a sick kid.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Summer Homework Hell
Penny had summer homework to be finished over the summer vacation. What an idiotic and stupid idea. I just emailed her case manager to give her a heads up on the resulting anxiety issues.
The &%#&%(*&^^$#!@# summer homework led to TONS of anxiety over the summer and seems to still be rearing its ugly head. I am seriously wondering whether this summer homework thing was a good idea at all, it was and is extremely stressful for Penny and has not led to any clear benefits for her. I understand that the school doesn't want students to 'lose competencies' but I don't think this was the way to go or whether it would be less stressful to just do some review during the first weeks, which they seem to do anyway.
Penny didn't finish it all and now is stressing about finishing it, so much that she often doesn't even get started on it.
Yesterday she first spent the afternoon in the library with a friend and did about an hour of homework there. At night after dinner she still had to do homework (not sure whether that was summer or not, she wasn't very clear on it) and got started just fine making a book but it took her at least another hour to make that book. During that period she had a big fight with Ysa because Ysa wanted to practice chorus homework and Penny yelled that the only place she could make her book was at the piano and there were many raised voices and hurt feelings on both sides.
Anyway, this all culminated in a door slamming event, at least half an hour of Penny uncontrollably crying about homework, life, school and everything and refusal to take any of her night time meds (gah, I was soooooooooooooooo ready for her to go to sleep!)
Eventually I did get her calmed down, she finished the rest of her homework and went off to bed (way too late by now).
We'll see what her case manager replies.
The &%#&%(*&^^$#!@# summer homework led to TONS of anxiety over the summer and seems to still be rearing its ugly head. I am seriously wondering whether this summer homework thing was a good idea at all, it was and is extremely stressful for Penny and has not led to any clear benefits for her. I understand that the school doesn't want students to 'lose competencies' but I don't think this was the way to go or whether it would be less stressful to just do some review during the first weeks, which they seem to do anyway.
Penny didn't finish it all and now is stressing about finishing it, so much that she often doesn't even get started on it.
Yesterday she first spent the afternoon in the library with a friend and did about an hour of homework there. At night after dinner she still had to do homework (not sure whether that was summer or not, she wasn't very clear on it) and got started just fine making a book but it took her at least another hour to make that book. During that period she had a big fight with Ysa because Ysa wanted to practice chorus homework and Penny yelled that the only place she could make her book was at the piano and there were many raised voices and hurt feelings on both sides.
Anyway, this all culminated in a door slamming event, at least half an hour of Penny uncontrollably crying about homework, life, school and everything and refusal to take any of her night time meds (gah, I was soooooooooooooooo ready for her to go to sleep!)
Eventually I did get her calmed down, she finished the rest of her homework and went off to bed (way too late by now).
We'll see what her case manager replies.
Back To School
After a superbusy but good vacation, everyone is back to school giving me a very much needed break during some days. Most of them seem to be adjusting well, although Penny is having homework issues already which I will tackle in a different post.
We had our first meeting with dr Plato and he started teaching a mindfulness exercise which is just awesome since I have been trying to meditate anyway. Funny how things work out that way. Last night I used the breathing exercise to help Penny calm down and it worked for her, wow.
I am reading 'Parenting the Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance' and I have had some good insights thanks to it. I am only halfway through, but I like it so far. I know it will come in handy dealing with the various kid's anxiety issues.
We had our first meeting with dr Plato and he started teaching a mindfulness exercise which is just awesome since I have been trying to meditate anyway. Funny how things work out that way. Last night I used the breathing exercise to help Penny calm down and it worked for her, wow.
I am reading 'Parenting the Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance' and I have had some good insights thanks to it. I am only halfway through, but I like it so far. I know it will come in handy dealing with the various kid's anxiety issues.
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